MONEY FOR NOTHING

Taranaki Daily News, 13 October 1934, Page 23 (Supplement)

MONEY FOR NOTHING

By

P. G. Wodehouse

CHAPTER 4 (continued).

Some years before the date of the events narrated in this story, at the time when there was 'all that trouble between the aristocratic householders of Jfliverside Row and the humbler dwellers in Budd Street (arising, if you remember, from the practice of the latter of washing their more intimate articles of underclothing and hanging them to dry in back gardens ihto which their exclusive neighbours were compelled to gaze every time they looked out of the window), the vicar of the parish, the Rev. Alistair Pond-Pond, always a happy phrase-maker wound up his address at the annual village sports of Rudge with an impressive appeal to the good feeling of those concerned. “We must not,” said the Rev. Alistair, “consider ourselves as belonging to this section of Rudge-in-the-Vale or to that section of Rudge-in-the-Vale. Let us get together. Let us recollect that we are all fellow-members of one united community.. Rudge must be looked on as a whole. And what , a whole it is!" With the conculding words pf this peroration Pat Wyvern, by the time she had been homq a little under- a week, found herself in ■ hearty agreement. Walking with her father along the High Street on the sixth morning, she had to confess herself disappointed with Rudge.

There are times in everyone’s experience when Life after running merrily for a while through pleasant places!, seems'suddenly to strike a dull and depressing patch of road; and this ' was what was happening, now to Pat. The sense, which had come to her so.strongly in the lobby of the Lincoln Hotel in Curzon Street, : of being in a world unworthy of her—a world cold and unsympathetic and full pf an ’nferior grade af human, being, had' deepened. Her home-coming, she had now definitely decided, was xiot a success. / ‘

Elderly men with a grievance are seldom entertaining companions for the young, and five days of the undiluted society of Colonel Wyvern had left Pat with the feeling that, much as she loved her father, she wished he would sometimes change the subject of his. conversation. Had she been present in person, she could not have had a fuller grasp of the facts of that dynamite outrage than she now possessed.

But this was not all. After Mr. Carmody’s thug-like behaviour on that fatal day, she was given to . understand, the Hall and its grounds': were, as much forbidden territory to her-as the. piazza of the town-house of the Capulets would have been-to a young' Montague. And, though,...being .. a modem girl, she did not as, a rule respond with any great alacrity- to parental mandates;. • shehad her share' of clan-loyalty arid realised that she musteonform ,to ••-trio-rules of game. ; ■ Accordingly, ..she had. riot. been:, within half a mile of the Hall since her , arrival; and, having accustomed for fourteen years to ‘treat the • "place' and its grounds as.her private porperty, found Rudge, with a deadline drawn . across the boundaries of Mr. Carmody’s’ park, a poor sort of a place. Unlovable character though Mr. Carmody was in many respects,' she had always been fond of him, and she missed seeing him. She also missed seeing Hugo. And, as for John, not seeing him .was. the ..heaviest blow of all.

From the days of her childhood, John had always been. her stand-by. Men might come, and men might go, but John went on forever. He had never been too old, like Mr. Carmody, or too Lazy, like Hugo, to give- her all thetime and attention she required, and she did think that, even though there was this absurd feud going on, he might have had the enterprise to make an opportunity of meeting her. As day followed day, her resentment grew, until now she had reached the Stage when she. was telling herself that this was iyhat,from a. knowledge of his character she might have expected. John—she had to face it—was ', a jellyfish.’ Arid if a man is a jellyfish, he will' behave like . a jellyfish; and it is at times of crisis that his jelly fishiness, wjll be most noticable. . It ’ conscience ' that had brought Pat to ! trie High' Street • this morning. Her father had welcomed her with such a pathetic eagemdss 'and had been so plainly pleased to see her back that she was ashamed of herself for not feeling happier. And it was in a spirit of remorse that now, though she would have preferred to stay in the garden with a

book, she had come with him to watch him buy another bottle of Brophy’s Paramount Elixir from Chas. Bywater, Chemist. Brophy, it should be mentioned, had proved a sensational success. His Elixir .vas making the local gnats feel perfect fools. They would bite Colonel Wyvern on the face and stand back, all ready to laugh, and he would just smear Brophy on himself and be as good as new. It was simply sickening, if you were a gnat; but fine, of course, if you were Clonel Wyvern; and that just man, always ready to give praise where praise was due, said as much to Chas By water. “That stuff,” said Colonel Wyvern, “is good. I wish I’d heard of it before. Give me another bottle.” Mr, Bywater was delighted—not merely at this rush pf trade, zfout because, good kindly soul, he enjoyed'ameliorating the lot of others. “I thought you would find it capital, Colonel. I get a great many requests for it. I sold a bottle vesterday to -Mr. Carmody senior.” Colonel Wyvern’s sunniness vanished as if someone had turned it off with a tap. “Don’t talk to me about Mr. Carmody,” he said gruffly. “Quite,” said Chas Bywater. Pat bridged a painful silence. “Is Mr. Carmody back then?” she asked. “I heard he was at some sort of health place.” “Healthward Ho, miss, just outnide Lowick.” “He ought to be in prison,” said Colonel Wyvern. Mr. Bywater stopped himself in the nick of time from saying “Quite,” which would have been a deviation from his firm policy of never taking sides between customers. . “He returned the day before yesterday, miss, and was immediately bitten' on the nose by a mosquito.” “Thank God!" said Colonel Wyvern. “But I sold him one of the three-and-sixpenny size of the Elixir,” said Chas. Bywater, with quiet pride, “and a single application completely eased the pain.” Colonel Wyvern said he was sorry to hear it, and there is no doubt that conversation would once more have become difficult had there not at this moment made itself heard from the other side of the door a loud and penetrating sniff. A fatherly smile lit up Chas. ByWater’s face.

“That’s Mr. John’s dog,” he said, reaching for the cough drops. Pat opened the door and the statement was proved correct. With a short Wooffle, partly of annoyance at having been .kept waiting and partly of happy anticipation, Emily entered; and, seating herself 'by the counter, gazed expectantly at the chemist. \ “Hallo, Emily,” said Pat

Emily gave her a brief look in which there was no pleased recognition, but only the annoyance of a dog interrupted during an important conference. She then returned her gaze to Mr. Bywater. “What do you. say, doggie?” said Mr. Bywater, more paternal than ever, poising a cough-drop. “Oh, Hell! Snap into it!” replied Emily curtly, impatient at this foolery. “Hear her speak for this cough lozenge?” said Mr. By water. “Almost human!”

ColoheT Wyvern, whom he had addressed, did not seem to share his lively satisfaction. He muttered to himself. He regarded Emily sourly, and his right foot twitched a little.

"Just like a ■ human being, isn’t she miss?” said Chas? Bywater, damped but persevering. “Quite,” said Pat absently. Mr. Bywater, startled by this infringe • ment of copyright, dropped the. coughlozenge, and : Emily snapped it up. Pat, still distrait, was watching the door. She was surprised to find that her breath was ■ coming rather quickly and' that her heart had begun to beat with more than its usual rapidity. She was amazed at herself. Just because John Carroll would shortly appear. in that doorway, must she stand fluttering .for all the world as though poor old Johnnie, an admitted jellyfish, were something that really mattered? It was too silly, and she tried to bully herself into composure. She failed. Her heart, she was compelled I to realise, was now simply racing. A step sounded outside, a shadow fell on the sunlit pavement, and Dolly Molloy walked into the shop. (To be continued).