FUN AND FANCY

Taranaki Daily News, 18 February 1933, Page 7 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Wife: Poor, Mrs. Blank stutters such a lot. It’s a shame, 1 think. The Brute: Yes; it’s a terrible thing when a woman stutters, for, really, you know, she hasn’t the time to spare.

*.*. * ' * "It was you. I’m sure, I gave some pastry to a week- ago.”“Correct, lady. I thought it’d interest you to know that I’m Still able to. get about in spite of it.” ; . >

He (nervously): “Er-er, Margaret—erer—there’s something been trembling on my lips for the past two months. She; So I see. Why don’t you shave it off?

"My husband brought the crowd to its feet at the Test match,” boasted Mrs. Crow. •

“What,” asked her companion. "Did. he play in it?” “No,” was the answer. "He stood up in front.” ■

"Hurry up, dear.” Blobbs. who was in a hurry to get to work, tried to hasten his wife, who .was sewing a button or. for him.

"You should get a decent tailor,” she snapped. "None of your buttons are sewn on properly. Why, this is the fifth time I’ve sewn this particular button on.”

The little city boy, holidaying on his uncle’s farm, was found sobbing in one of the sheds. “Whatever’s the matter, Billy?” “I never did nothin’,” he whimpered, “yet Uncle telled me a while ago he’d put me on the threshing machine. Mum thrashes me with her hand home, and that hurts enough.” /•

Smith: Right-oh! If I can spare five minutes this evening. I’ll come round and have a look at this marrow of yousjs.

Brown: Five minutes? Hang, it man, you’ve no idea of the size of the thing!

Although - the batsmen were well set the scoring was painfully slow. -At last an irate spectator lost his temper. — “Shake it up!” he yelled. “They’ll be wantin’ this ’ere ground soon for football matches.”

“Isaacstein is going io move to his new bungalow in a day or two.” '

“Oh? And when does the house-warm-ing take place?” «' • “As soon as the fire brigade has its' Annual dance.”'

It was very early one Sunday morning that a neighbour noticed Mick O’Murphy sitting on his verandah. "Why are you up so early, Mick?” he asked.

“Sure, an’ if Oi didn’t get up early on Sunday mornings Oi wouldn’t ’ave a good long day’s rest,” was. O’Murphy’s explanation.

Visitor: I must say Rose is improving in her playing. Rose (indignantly from drawing-room): I'm not playing. I’m just dusting fhe piano. . . - ‘

"Ah,” said the artist. "I am compelled to paint to . keep the wolf from the door.”

"Is that so?” exclaimed the critic, “Are you going to hang the picture outside?"

"Were you annoyed because I sharpened a pencil with your razor?” asked the wife. ' .

“Twice,” replied the patient husband. “After IJiad given up trying to shave, I tried to write with the pencil.”

Shopper: Do you mean to tell me that this new stove will save half my gas bill? Salesman: Most decidedly, sir. Shopper: Very well, give me two and I’ll save the lot.

Customer (hopelessly); I should think I’ve tried twenty different remedies, and yet I don’t seem to get rid of this cold. Chemist: Don’t get despondent, sir-; there are any number of other remedies on the market!

Father: You first met my daughter at the seaside, I believe. She told me how she had attracted you.

Suitor: Did she really, sir? Why, she told me you’d be furious if you found out she’d winked!

"Yes, my dear,” said the old lady, “there’s one thing I’m thankful for, and that, is that my daughter married a gentleman.”

“And how did you know he was a gentleman?” said her frjend. ■ ... ■ “Because I put him to the test,” replied the old lady. “The .first time my daughter brought him homej I gave him a hot drink, and'when he poured.it out into his saucer he didn’t blow on it like any ordinary fellow; he fanned it with his hat. ’ # * . * ' ' Pat had returned from a visit to the United States. “Did you meet with much hospitality in America?” he was . asked. “Sure,” was the. reply, “I was in hispital nearly all the time.” . « <* • Sambo had been back to the land of his ancestors with a hunting expedition, and was telling some friends of his adventures. “When I saw dose lions I turned on my heels and ran,” he said. “That was not very brave of you,” remarked a listener. “Well,” replied Sambp, “I remembered that the earth is round and ran off to attack them in the rear.” '■'« * • . Smith-Brown: Yes, old boy, my doctor allows me only two cigars a day. Jones-Thomson: I say, that’s rotten! Smith-Brown: Oh, no, it’s all right, .because I have a few other doctors .who allow the same number. « * * * Teacher: Late again, Tommy.. How is it that Jimmy, who lives' a mile away, can get here to time /better than you who have only a few yards to come? .Tommy:. Well, you . see, teacher, if Jimmy finds he is late he can run for it, but I cannot because I’m here. • • ■■ „ Doctor: Are you still taking the'morning cold dip? ' ' ; Patient: No, I gave it up to save time. Doctor: Why, it only takes a minute or two. , ■ ■ . . , Patient: I ‘know, but I was always late at the office, because I spent three-quar-ters of an hour in bed hesitating. *** ' * The customer watched the butcher weighing the meat. . “I wish you would not give me such short weight for my money,” she complained. , , '. ■ “And I wish you would not give me such a long wait Tor mine,” returned the tradesman. ’ » * • ■ • ■ . Hector (gloomily): Do you know you are the sixth girl I have proposed to with out avail? , , . Helen: Poor fellow! Take my advice and wear one the next and possibly you’ll be. more successful. * * ■ * . * • An old Irish labourer walked into the studio of an artist one day. and asked for money to obtain some food. . The artist, seeing possibilities for a sketch, said, “I’ll give you two shillings if you let me paint you.” “Sure,” replied the Irishman, .an Us an aisy way to earn money, but it would cost two shillings to get the pamt off. • ' * “What an awfully obstinate; man you are!” said Mrs. McNab to her husband. “Why, what have I done now?” “Well, I’ve had That new cough medicine in the house a month and you haven’t coughed once.”