WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 298, 26 January 1910, Page 8

WIT AND HUMOR.

it j ■V - • | i ''flow are you getting On with your'' l I garden, Weedleeliick? Did your seeds | P | corns up?" * | v '"Dli, yes; they all ca.me up in about ,s two days. My neighbor keeps hens." jc "'I have such an indulgent husband,'" |v said little Mrs. Doll. 11 "Yes, so George says," responded Mrs. ij Spiteful. "Sometime.; indulges a little! I too much, doesn't he?" jl An Irishman, having returned from I Italy, where lie had been with his master, was asked in the kitchen, ''Now, j then, Pat, what is the lava I hear the .'master talking about?" ; c "Only a drop of the crater," was Pat's ' reply. ! The telephone girl had married well, ' anil wa.s staying at a fashionable hot 1 !. ' I "Why didn't you call imc as I instruct- | ed you ?" she asked the maid. i "I did, ma'am," was the reply; "but when I said •scven-thirtv,' you replied, 'Number engaged, ring again'!" |, Magistrate; "Sneaky sort of man? What do you mean, sir?" Witness: "Well, sir, he's the sort of mini that'll never look ye straight in the face until your back's turned." Schoolmistress, endeavoring to impress upon the class the meaning of the word "cuticle": 'Xow, Plly Johnson, te'.l me what it with my which my face and hands are covered." Back came the answer with startling promptitude: "Freckles, miss!" Said a poet to an unfortunate speculator: "Don't you think that the opening lines of Tennyson's little poem, . 'Break, break, break; are plaintive and sad?" | "Yes," was the melancholy reply: "But I think that 'Broke, broke, broke.' : is a good deal sadder." The telephone, it seems to ime, Is name exceeding well; For what folk say to it, you see, The 'Phone doth straightway Tel. - "Look here, Jiggers, I've a bone to pick with you." "I'm with you. There's a restaurant across the wa.v. Make it a mutton hone, for I've quite an appetite." "A beautiful song you have just .sung. Miss Large —beautiful!" "So dad you Irked it." "I only heard the last verse, but it ivas quite enough."' An Edinburgh clergyman snvs: "Even' familv should have a dog. It is like a perpetual baby; it betrays no secrets, •i. never sulks, asks no troublesome questions. never gets into debt, never co,mes down late to breakfast, and i.s always readv for a bit of fun." ;f ' Anxious mother: "Nellie, dear, s " you think that young Hustgins, who has been calling on you twhr a week lor some time, is matrimonially inclined?" Pretty daughter: "Really I don't know what to think, ima.mnia. dear. He has suc.h a knack of keeping one in the | dark." Group of shoeblacks (in chorus): • ;c -'"ine. sir. shine?" Seedy maser (irritably): '"No, con found yon all. no." One of them: "Cut the Fringe oil your trousers same time. sir. ' L-vlv visitor (who is beiny entertained bv To.rn.mv): "And who are you named after, mv little .man?' To.m.-.ny: "Thumo." 1 Li.lv visitor: ''''After vou l ' para. T . s,v--.!>so. Wh»t is his name, dear?" ' T:'iiniiv: "Dunno." Lady visitor: "Nonsense! What do--vonr maimnn call him?" _ Tommy (promptly): "()onk"v.' I A British officer, in is expense list lov '''ivrnnient .service, put down: ) j "TV."tor. twopence." | ollicer was requested to r"poi( to • W">- (and received the followii'2 explanation: " u "l'ile execiitiiiL' public duty refresh.jr are not chargea.ble to the nation.'' !: Tbe ito,lll does, not reoresent re-fr-sbmeuts." replied the officer, "hut a fee to a carrier." j "Vou should have said 'porterage.' ' was ;lien explained to him. ' When the ollicer bad occasion lo take la hansom, remeuihering iusfuci ions, lie j,, ; wrote in his accounts: "Cabbage, two sliililngs."