Miscellaneous

Te Aroha News, Volume III, Issue 134, 26 December 1885, Page 5

Miscellaneous

An Oregon man recently invented a machine that, being attached to a sleeping , person, will accurately register the dreams of the night. Any man who pnrchases . one of these machines wants to keep the key where his wife cannot find it. They were talking of a politician who, as one of the young gentlemen affirmed, never , opened his mouth without putting his foot in it Tho Chicago girl looked at her pedestals in' an abstracted manner, and was heard to remark, "How ridiculous ! ' " Dose times vas so hard dot it vash im- ~ boasible to make expenshes," said Ike Levy to Moße Schaumburg, both being Texas merchants. • ' I dells you vot you does Levy ef you vants to make monies. I dell you how you can shoost double your investment." "How is den dot?" "Split matchts and sell 'em." " Mr Ingersoll, did you ever try a bottle of my Magic Anti-Fat Remedy ?" asked the proprietor of a patent medicine. " I never did," remarked Colonel Ingersoll, blandly. " You should try a bottle. It does all that I claim for it in my advertisement," " What do you say in your advertisement ?" "That a single bottle will convince the most sceptical," All Europe is shaking with laughter To see the Sultan g<ow daughter And Prince Alexander is aughter Union and peace without slaughter. We doubt if the Inquisition possessed any | combination for torture surpassing a toothache and a new pair of boots. At a circus, a trapeze performance waa in progress. The performers were a man and his wife. The man was holding on the woman, whose feet were supported by the bar. " Ah," said one lady, •• if I were Bhe I should take advantage of the occasion to ask him for a new bonnet."— -" Modern Society." FAT V'S LEAN. " Ah me 1" sighed the lean man, "it I were a fat How happy the world would seem ;" "B'deathr moaned the fat man, ''how happy you thin men— O Lord! if I could be lean!" *, So thus doth the lean man envy the fat man, While the fat man would fain be lean ; Oh, happy am I, not fat man nor lean manOnly betwixt and between. "Are you aware of any mitigating cirjcumstances in your case?" asked a Texas Judge of a negro convicted of borse- [ stealing. " Yes, sab, lots ob 'em. Ef I had time, Jedge, I could talk to you for a week on dat subject " "Jf you know of any mitigating circumstance please state it " " Yes, sah^. I'll tell you ob one right now, sah. How easy would it hab been for me to bring my family inter disgrace and misery, pah, by stealin' dat hoss. But I didn\ sah. I jess remained single I nebber married, i sah. Annudder mitigatin 1 caecumstance am » "Sherif, remove the prisoner." II — *« Detroit Free Pre3B." A contemporary asks: "How phall we irrigate ?" There are various ways in which this can be done. Some walk up to the % bar and take theirs straight j others take it home in a jug and irrigate "on the sly." The subject is one concerning which great minds differ.— "Detroit Free Press. " & There are 3,000 women employed in Australian railway offices. The Australians are a long-headed people. What a woman don't know about trains, how long or how short they should be, etc., etc., is not worth acquiring.— "Tit Bits." One mother in Wiikesbarre, , who discovered that her daughter waa being taught physiology and hygiene, addreßaed, , the following note to her teacher; "Dear Miss : I don't want my daughter, to .be taught about her insides. Tt isn't right, and I don't, like it. Yours truly,, Mrs;.——." The grocer's son, a good dutiful boy, had never been away from home mi?ch, but stuck close to the shop all his life. ;i 33ia, father was going to put up a new.-^npuee, and one day the youth went to see" r Kow the workmen were getting along wjth,,£ie cellar. He came back breathUjes, .white, excited. "Father l" the poor jlad^cried feebly, " father 1 father^! , Our fjrwjuting, fortune is made. . The \ men digging^ne cellar have struck V sugar mine !'f an'd^h^ fell fainting to the floor. J; v ,; . Xf r -We see in Borne x>£she paper* "tb^at^mce Demetrius .TscKawstchawadze f has^|^een arreste*cl ( in Mosc^w/jfq|^win|liing. ' v j||e feel : no particular interest in ,"ttielP,rince,< ancTare '-"-. ,mo^gnM tl h,^dm^h, matter of cunosifcy,^e^e^Uy,'^ould^«J:^;ifo^^. handkerQhie^b^begm end and working along, or? whether hejfiinjir f^ catarcornered, , Imagine x. pqfflft&j&sg 3 ... -intuit '?«%? l 'itti>- i ?Sii4(i\A! > "■■>»^i'Vß*Mr t aa ;«;>S4( nameon;an;umbreUahandlel!Mtiwpnl^ang^