SHAUN'S

Southland Times, Issue 20014, 30 October 1926, Page 13

SHAUN'S

PATCH'’

Pump, brothers, pump with care, Pump this water for the ratepayaire; Pump more pumps on the job all day, Pump, for the ratepayaire must pay. • • • • When any young thing marries an old man for his money, she hopes he loves her well enough to die for her. • • • • If Prohibition succeeds the Drys will be hilarious and the bootleggers will be low in spirit. • • • • The Prophet may have no honour in his own country; but the Critic certainly has no friends in his. • • • • People will succeed in swimming the English Channel at intervals until the sharks get annoyed. ANANIASGRAMS. Once there was a batsman who was given out l.b.w. and agreed with the decision. • • • « Isn’t it a peculiar thing that a good liar is usually called an “awful liar?” TOMBSTONE JINGLES. O Stranger pause beside this spot And shed the tribute of a tear, For cut off in its fullest growth An aldermanic mo. lies here. If Mars does communicate with this earth let us hope a new cause of cancer is given. * • • • Some of the New Zealand League TeAm declined' to play and watched the Maori fifteen’s game. Illeagueall, surely! • • • • They should be careful with the Gazette. For instance in affixing the name of the King’s Minister to a notice it says:— K. S. Williams, Minister of Public Works, God Save the King. A WEAK LIFE. ' Thomas Gunn Bought gold-claim shares on Mon, His dues On insurances he paid on Tues., And said He’d start in to save on Wed. 111, worse, Made his will on Thurs., To die Laid him down on Fri., That cat, His wife, wed again on Sat., That done She forgot all about on Sun., Thomas Gunn. • * • • The man who persists in drinking alone may be called a host in himself. • • • • Silence: A non-golfing bridge fiend seated beside one who knows nothing of the game but plays golf. ••• • • The man who writes a valueless cheque is really drawing on his imagination. • • • • When damages are awarded in a breach of promise suit it is usually worth the price. .•• • • An orthodox fellow called Ruthven Who died, reached the gateway of Huthven, But Peter said: “Wait You can’t pass this gate Till you have been properly shruthven. • • • • At the next Olympic Games there should be a contest for Dictators. We have a fine collection of them now and their numbers are steadily increasing. • • • • Usually the man who talks about going back to Nature is the fellow who does most damage to a seven-course dinner. THE RED DEFEAT. Curl your moustaches and prepare for the next war.—Advice given to graduate officers for the Soviet Army. I met a veteran from the war, Despondent, wounded, feeling sore, And asked how did fortune run And who the final battle won. He looked at me with kindling eye: “Our soldiers, sir, knew how to dye, Our flag, for soldiers strong and brave, It has, of course, a permanent wave. “We launched our armies in the field, Determined they would never yield, With fifes, and curling tongs and drum, And filled to back teeth with bay rum. “With bayonet charge and heavy gun We kept the foe upon the run; Red was the banner that we bore. And black our hate—'twas rouge et noir. Our moral we kept ever high, And bright our belladonna’d eye; Lex talionis! We kept it pure With many corps to manicure. “With courage and with strategy We made half of the foeman flee— The armies like the snow did melt When they our soldiers’ powder smelt. “We chased them here and chased them there, And beat them hollow ev’rywhere, But Dame Fortune, spite our thanks. Rose and deserted from our ranks.” “And did you lose the war?” I said, “Though half the enemy were dead? What was it turned away the tide Of victory and felled your pride?” Tears with the soldier’s words did blend, Gave his moustache a downward bend: “Ah, sir, our luck was very hard— We lost the whole of our pomade.” MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, October 23—Resolved to stay abed this day and to read that I may make up time lost through untoward activities in my household, but my daughter to enter informing me I must rise and be about some kindling wood. On my explaining with much detail that the cultivation of the mind being of far greater moment than the separation of matter in the form of timber, it were well for her to refrain from interpolations in my studies. Thereupon she to flounce out in high dud-

geon saying: You are too selfish. This to so work on my feelings that I da rise with such haste I do tangle myself in the sheets and to reach the floor in a posture approximating that of the ancestors the Evolutionists have provided for us, and to hear my daughter say that I am a funny man did in no manner improve my temper. And so to the woodpile, the which I did attack with such vigour that I do raise a stock sufficient to last my spouse, and she most wasteful in the use of kindling, for many weeks. Thereupon to hear her congratulating my daughter on the effects of her advice. in the day to oil my car and in the midst thereof a visit from some fair citizens to discuss subjects connected with Art, as is the fashion when I am unfitted for Such social enterprises. to bed but still atwitter from the shocks of the day. MONDAY, October 25—In the city this day word brought to me that many citizens and some of them of high accompt in the world, do take inspiration from mine efforts and essay the paperhanging at the behest of their wives, and only one house wherein the woman do so assert her equality with the male that she do undertake the business herself. On attempting to discover the name of the lucky possessor of this woman to meet with a blanket of refusal, and to perceive he do keep this a secret lest she be stolen from him. On speaking on this matter with Mrs Shaun she to declare ’twas ever thus that men do sneer at the advance of woman, failing utterly to stop her march and yet ready to take advantage of it for’the gratifying of their own sloth. Adding to this she to say I did do mine own paperhanging only that I did fear to permit her to display her own superiority in this endeavour. TUESDAY, October 26—In the city this day to learn of a strange business, in that a friend on enquiring of a citizen concerning his bantam rooster to be greeted with frowns and much wild language. On enquiring into this matter, the name first deceiving me to the conclusion it were the Mayor, but later to discover mine error, I to learn on a certain day this citizen to be called to a neighbours to catch his bantam rooster the which hath broken bounds. He to declare he will recapture it and to devote three hours on his half-holiday, to the neglect of his garden, on thia task. Before it do proceed far the neighbour to declare she hath made an error in that it is not his rooster, but he positive and to renew the chase. When this done, the citizen in triumph to bear the trophy to his own fowl-ranch and there to discover his own rooster safe in corral and attending to his own affairs. This to be the reason of his tenderness on this subject and the day very hot,

so that I do not in one whit blame him. WEDNESDAY, October 27—Up betimeA and to my news-sheet wherein I to real of further bickerings concerning thb village pump for the waterworks ant such a to do that there hath been a resolve to order the thing without knowledge as to in what manner it may be used. To appear of great interest to the coming engineer in that he will find so much done before be hath arrived. Much said of the visit of Queen Marie of Rumania, but certainly there to be evidence that she hath so pleased the Americas there will be a loan for her country, the which do convince me of the benefits of the monarchic system. News from Russia that the soldiers do be ordered to prepare for war by the twirling of their moustachios, but it were better in such events they do also drape their whiskers in red, since the use of what hath been called the ziff hath been made most popular in that country.

THURSDAY, October 28—Up betimes and to learn in secret of dark forebodings in the city in that there be fears of a plot against the Government. Instanter to the pursuit of this report and by devious methods to arrive upon the explanation of it all. The manner of it to be that one aiderman who hath been suspected of a desire to upset the rule of the Lord Mayor hath gone into disguise and steps taken to hide his true feelings in that heretofore he hath been detected in moments of agitation to curl most viciously a luxuriant moustachio and by the vigour of the twirling it to be possible to measure the warmth of his inward feelings. Now it hath been noted that the growth hath been harvested and not even a stubble left. This to be taken as evidence of a sinister design in that no man henceforth may know how he views matters under discussion. Suggestions made that under a peaceful exterior he to contemplate heavy warfare, and all on their guard in view of these untoward events.

FRIDAY, October 29—This day lay late to study the news and to learn if there hath been any replies to the messages despatched to Mars, but nought received, the which to convince me that on this planet do be fellows of great boorishness who do not meet our advances with meet courtesy. On rising, however, to be met by one expert who having a set of many valves hath certain evidence of a message received from the ether, and in a language such as he hath no ability to read. To test it with all codes and then to bethink me of a certain conversation L did hear at a spiritualistic seance in which a certain Martian incognito did speak with us in his own tongue. On remembering this to attack the strange epistle once more and to unravel it so that it to appear undoubtedly as a communication from the Mars planet. It to read: When may we expect the report from the Special Water Supply Committee and Hath Aiderman Miller agreed with the Lord Mayor on any ' subject since our last communication. These strange interrogations to betoken such an interest in our affairs that I do perceive at once the importance of the city wherein I dwell, though what Auckland may say of this I do not know. My informant to declare the Martian not to await an ansWer as if he did recognise our difficulty in communicating a reply to him. Greatly interested in these matters and to ponder on them till hour and then to fall asleep still thinking on the proper answer to have despatched.