THE CONTRIBUTOR

Southern Cross, Volume 26, Issue 38, 4 January 1919, Page 5

THE CONTRIBUTOR

DEAR AIR EDITOR, — Quid Father Time has taken another swath out av the big crop that lies ready to his hand, an’ here we are eager for another year av what ? [Well, Bishop Julius ses throuble, wars, an’ rumours av wars—not on the battlelield so much as in social, religious, an’ industrial life. Well, we can’t be certain, an’ annyway it ’ud not be much good. We can only deal wid things whin they come, like Dr. Abernethy, whin an Irishman called in great haste on the famous doctor, shtatm’ that, “Be jabers! My boy Tim has swallowed a mouse.” “Then, he jabers,” ses Abernethy, “tell your boy Tim to swallow 7 a cat.” * * * “That was a big contract, Denis,” ses Katie. “It was,” ses I, “but the editor av' the Gross has axed me to tackle a bigger wan shtill. Here’s a note from him to say that he’s got a letther from an ould contributor, but he ses he cudn’t publish it widout blushin’, “but Denis,” ses he, “ivirywan knows you’re a hard case an’ .won’t shtick at thritles, so I’ve passed on the enclosed to you.” Well, here’s the epistle, an’ it’s as full av nice things nicely put, as an egg’s full av meat. Mind, I don’t belave wan half av thim are deserved, but it’s the kind heart that prompted thim, so here we are widout further palaver:— IN APPRECIATION OF “THE SOUTHERN CROSS.” Dear Mr Editor, —As a very old subscriber to “The Southern Gross” —in fact, since its birth- —I think at the commencement of a New’*Year is just the time to write a few words in appreciation of y&iur efforts to educate, inform, enlighten, and amuse the public generally, and your subscribers especially. But before proceeding further, 1 would iirst of all wish you, and all your staff, especially “Denis,” A Happy and Prosperous New Year. It is not given to every one to command success. Personally, I consider whatever measure of success you have commanded, you have richly deserved it. You have catered for the public in a most generous and liberal manner. Whilst, many other newspapers—in fact, the great majority of them—have increased the price, and reduced the size, you have done neither. But every Saturday morning', without fail, your subscribers have been supplied with the good old “Southern Gross” for one penny—full weight, full measure, of important, useful, interesting, and humorous items of news. £ # 3c Mr Editor, 1 wonder how many of your readers have any idea of the wonderful value they are getting-for one penny? We will take the current number, and see what a penny invested in the “Southern Gross” purchases for ms. We have sixteen pages of printed matter, each, page has 15 x 9 inches, or, in the whole paper, about CO yards long, one inch wide, of valuable information of various kinds. A considerable portion of the paper is devoted to the advertisements of the leading business firms in the town, and forms a useful guide to the purchaser or the seller, ,as to where they can buy or sell to the very best advantage. There is the column of Health Notes; a careful study of these notes will assist us in the maintenance of clean bodies and clean minds. The poets’ corner always furnishes Shoiee selected poems. There are gardening notes that are reliable and of real value. Market reports with •current quotations of prices for all

DENIS DISCOURSES.

classes of merchandise; shipping information, mail notices, railway notices, church notices, extracts from books of popular authors both in prose and poetry. Any intelligent person reading' these extracts in a careful manner would certainly receive much 'benefit from their perusal. Household hints and recipes are for the benefit, of the thrifty housewife; social gossip; notes from country correspondents about their crops, their comings and goings; births, deaths, and marriages, and other social functions. We also are reminded of the good old days of Long Ago by the reminiscences contained in the .splendid letters of the old pioneer's, and then week by week several columns of an interesting serial story. & t*s And last but not by any means least —I really think I should have given this item first place—there are the “Discourses” of the never-failing philosophical humorist —genial, amusing, and instructive Denis O’Shea, who, with his good better half, Katie, and his two clever offspring, the charming Bodalia and up-to-date Corney, supplies (week by week, hail, rain, or sunshine) the best specifics for curing melancholia and down-heartedness. A regular dose of “Denis” will relieve mental fatigue, and taken in a oommonsense way will banish the blues, .frowns, sulks, crass cantankerousness, and will raise to perfection smiles, jollity, pleasant manners, and good looks. For pleasant manners create good looks and beautiful tempers. * * * Sir, I should say the social atmosphere of the foundry where Denis is engaged must be one. of genial goodfellowship with such a one as prompter and guide, and in the evening, too, when the day’s work is done and Angus drops in for a smoke and a chat. How delightful ’tis to see the Scotch and Irish full of glee. If I could, I would like to be present some time. If you could only arrange it. sir, we might have a bit of supper if Katie would be kind enough to give us a room and do the cooking. We would, I feel sure, get some spuds from Howard Castle, Waihoaka, and a piece of “the gintlcman that pays the rint.” I think I could bring some leeks. And Angus could bring the tea, and friend Howard could regale us on the fiddle with “The Minstrel Boy,” “The Banks o’ Loch Lomond,” The Maid of Langollen,” and “Tire Wind that Shakes the Barley.” Again wishing prosperity to your paper and a Happy New Year to all.—Yours sincerely, SPARKS FROM THE ANVIL. * * * Well. Mr Editor, afther readin’ the above, I felt I was a benefactor av the iirsht wathcr. “Sure,” ses Ito Katie, “I feel as if I was Sheldon’s gin pills," Doan’s backache cure, Williams’ pink pills, Warner's Safe Cure, an’ Thomson's mineral wathers rolled into wan. But me pride was short-lived, Mr Editor, for Katie thought that afther such, a testimonial she was entitled to a month’s holiday. Bedalia demanded a new hat an’ Corney a new suit, an’ so I said I’d think it over. “Well, leave it at that,” ses Katie, “but I hope ye’ll keep yer word, an’ that yer ‘ shout ’ won’t be like Biddy’s clock. It was a shmall village in Ireland. Poor Biddy Murphy had fallen on evil times an’ was sore put to it to find the wherewithal to bury poor Mickey daeint. The village wag, wan Tony McGuirk, was a man av great kindness, an’ he losht no time in settin’ afoot a scheme whereby he hoped to raise a fund for poor shtricken Biddy.

“He canvassed far an’ wide in that dishtrict for entrance fees for a raffle av Biddy Murphy’s clock. It was a fine clock enough, he towld the neighbours —the most valuable in all the counthryside—they cud accept, his solemn‘personal undertakin’ for that. The subscriptions poured in apace, to the intinse satisfaction av Tony the Hustler. Tickets were five shillin’a a time, an’ the raffle was to be hild upon a mornin’ decided upon by his rivirince the parish priest. An’ sure enough, whin the time came for the raffle to be hild, Tony an’ his rivirince an’ a select committee foregathered to see fair play. Lots were drawn, an’ thin the winner, an’ Tony, an’ his rivirince, an’ wan av the committee sallied forth to Biddy’s house. ‘Mornin’, Biddy,’ ses the flushed an’ happy winner. ‘ We’ve ifeen afther dhrawin’ lots for yer clock. An’ it’s the proud an’ happy winner I am myself of the clock.’ * =1: * “ ‘Me clock, is it?’ ses' the perplexed Biddy, coinin’ to the door an’ wipin’ her hands on her apron, for she had been washin’. ‘ Look here, Mr Rafferty, d’ye want to see me clock? Gome here now,’ ses she , leadin’ the winner an’ pointin’ to the parish church. ‘ Ever since Murphy t-uk me into that" church an’ give me his name, now 20 years ago, rest his sowl! that’s been me only clock- —up there on the tower av that same church. An’ if ye say ye’ve won it in a raffle, "ye’re wilcome to it, for the throuble it’ll take yez to git it away P Denis Rafferty joined in the lmrsht av laughter that followed this exposure av the little scheme as heartily as his rivirince an’ Tony hirnsilf, the arch-plotter. An’ that’s how Biddy Murphy was able to bury her poor husband in fine shtyle, an’ to howkl a wake that is the talk av the dishtrict to this blessed day.” * * « Ivirywan is facin’ 1919 wid a certain amount av joy—well, all excipt somewan up at the head av Lake Wakatipu. I don’t know whether it’s livin’ under the shadow av the cloud-piercin’ peaks, or what, hut he takes a tirribly gloomy view av tilings, an’ especially av New

Zealand l politics. He dosn’t care if Mr Massey an’ Sir Joseph nivir return, an’ thin he adds—“We have not now one man in Parliament worthy the name of statesman, they are just political opportunists pure and simple, watching for any cry raised loud enough by any section of faddists which is likely to catch votes, and immediately seizing it t.o try and keep or work into power. Not one man apparently-have we with the constructive ability or courage to bring forward any real reform, and lead the people. No, only men always wailing for the lead of the mob. :'S * “Richard Seddon and John McKenzie were led by no such faddists in their Old-age Pensions Labour Legislation, and Land Legislation. Alas, they have gradually, these last few years, managed to almost nullify all the great work that the late John McKenzie with a life labour accomplished in land reform, and have now got back nearly to the old pernicious system where the wealthy can .aggregate land to their own sweet will.” * * * “ ’Tis a dismal way av lukin’ at

things,” ses Corney, .‘‘but they might be worse. As an oukl identity said to me the other day—“l’m prepared to concede a lot to Labour, but a Labour Cabinet would be a bigger tyranny than ever.” “Yes,” ses Katie, “the Labourites, or rather their leaders, make the mishlake av workin’ for their own inds regardless av the resht av ' the community, an’ selfishness always defeats itsilf in the long run.” * * * “Well,” ses Bedalia, “the late King Edward wanee said we were all Socialists, an’ I’m reminded av that by the report av the Southland Sawmill Workers’ Union. It shtarts aff by callin’ the mimbers comrades. I may be unraysonable, but I've nivir liked that word since the Germans prostituted it by howldin’ up their hands, shoutin’ ‘ Kamerads.’ an’ thin too often turning round an’ treacherously shooting their foes. Av coorse the report is jubilant about the return av three Labour mim- , hers, an’ this is how it does it: —“We congratulate our old comrades Holland, Eraser, and Semple on their victories, and congratulate those who voted for them on their awakening to a full realisation of the great value to the workers of political representation. In the opinion of'your executive the return of our three comrades was tantamount to an expression of the people’s utter want of confidence in the Coalition monstrosity that has so shamefully misgoverned us for so long.” * * * “How do you like that, Katie?” ses I. “Sure,” ses she, “if the paple throw over the Governmint, bad as they may think it, they may find thimsilves worse aff than ivir, an’ feelin’ like the Missourian who walked into a woman’s exchange in St. Louis. A cantankerous middle-aged woman shtepped up an’ axed him what he wanted. ‘Be this the woman’s exchange?’ he inquired. Tt is,’ she snapped. ‘An’ be you the woman?’ he persisted. ‘ I am,’ she replied, in no gentler tones. He lukt thoughtfully, transferred his tobacco from wan cheek to the other, edged towards the door, thin remarked casually, ‘ Well, I reckon I’ll keep Sal!’ ” * « • Lasht week I towid the shtory av ;a lamb that wint raissin’—now it’s a “two” that wint ashtray—a “two” bein’ the other name for a two-gallon keg av beer. The man that bought it invited a lot av frinds to a Christmas dinner, an’ they all turned up, but the 'keg didn’t, havin’ been lift at another bouse by mishtake, an’ it was aftber the holidays before things were put right. “Sure,” ses Katie, “the rightful owner av the keg ought to join the total abshtainers, an’ thin he’d not need to worry at the loss av it.” * * * “Better lave him as he is Katie,” ses I, “or he might follow the example av the man in England. A man who had been drinkin’ too much liquor for his own good, was induced to sign the pledge the other day. His wife was delighted. She tuk the documint an’ said: ‘ Y r ou must let me have it. I will keep it for you.” So the paper was confided to her custody. On the next day the man was drinkin’ as freely as before. ‘How is this?’ axed a frind. ‘You signed the pledge, and now you are drinking whisky again?’ •* It’s all right,’ replied the other in unsteady tones. ‘ I don’t have to keep that pledge. My wife said she’ll keep it for me. That is the kind of a wi/e to have, old chap.’ ”

So peace an’ harmony reigns in the Tramway Departmint wanee more. The min widdrew their shtop-work letter an’ the Departmint reinshtated Mr Fraser. Sure, it all reminds me av the ould ballad—The King of France went up the hill, and then came down again. “Well,” ses Katie. “I noticed that the tramway chaps were angry at Cr. Bain for talkin’ av raisin’ the fares to meet the extra penny an hour for

the min.” “I noticed that,” ses I, “but they shud have lukt at it in the same way as Pat did. Pat: ‘ This is the firsht time anny av these corporations have done annything to benefit the working man.’ Mike: ‘How is that, Pat?’ Pat: ‘lt is this sivin-cint fare. I have been walkin’ to an’ from me work an’ savin’ tin cints, an’ now I can save fourteen cint-s.’ ” * * * Well, Mr Editor, I think I’ve come to the ind av me tether for this year, an’ I can’t do betther than close wkt the followin’ lines by a cheery ould poet, which says what I’d like to say far betther than I can say it: — . A WAY TO A HAPPY NEW YEAR. To leave the old with a burst of song, To recall the right and forgive the wrong; To forget the thing that binds you fast To the vain regrets of the year that’s past; To have the strength to let go your hold On the not-worth-while of the days grown old; To dare to go forth with a purpose true, To the unknown task of the year that’s new; To help your brother along the road To do his work and lift his load; To add your gift to the world’s good cheer, Is to have and to give a glad New Year. DENIS.