The Contributor.

Southern Cross, Volume 17, Issue 15, 24 July 1909, Page 5

The Contributor.

Denis Discourses. Dear Mr Editor—lt's the funniest thing in all the wide world to rade the shtuff that's appearm' in the Northern papers about the discoveries round about Orepuki. Wan paper had the hea'din' up—"lntense Excitement in Invercargill," an' for the life av me I can't find annythmg av the kind.' "Well, dad," ses Bedalia, "I met Mr Davie Roche the other dav, an' ye know what a lot av 'fine work he did in the early day's whin the rushes to the Lakes were in full swing. Well, whin he read about the grate doin's at Orepuki he towld me he felt inclined to hitch up his waggon an' take to the road agin, till all at wance he remimbered that there was a railway almosht to the banks av the. Waiau, wid an hotel at the ind av the journey in the shape av West's fine big buildin'."

"Yes," ses Corney, "Davie Roche can shpin some fine yarns about the ould days—begorra, the Merry Widow can't howld a candle to him, an' unlike her, he kapes the money in the place an' doesn't take it all away at the ind av the sayson. Thin there is me frind Mr William Todd. Sure, I made up me mind he'd be excited, if annywan was, over the Longwood discoveries, but whin I met him in the shtreet he was as cool as a cucumber. "I've got beyond that stage now," ses he, "if my idea's had been carried out and prospecting engaged in on a proper system, the whole of the country would have been [mapped out long ago, and its latent resources brought to light. Anyway," ses he, in that ginerous, broad-minded fashion av his, "I hope to peace they will be successful, and that all concerned will make a hundred pounds n, week. They've got my best wishes."

"He's the man for the counthry," ses Katie. If he'd only been made Actin' Premier inshtead av Mr Cal"roll till Sir ,T. "G-. Ward comes back, he'd have things hum an' no raishtake." "Yes," ses I —"he's the mosht hopeful man I know —he nrusht be firsht cousin to the ould chap in Kansas. He was sittin' on the roof av his house afther the floods, an' was gazin' placidly across the rushin' waters. 'Washed all your fowls away ?' axed a man in a boat. 'Yes, but the ducks swam,' smiled the ould man. 'Tore up your peach trees ?* 'Don't, mind it much. They said the crop would be a failure.' 'But the flood ! It is up to your windows !' ' Wal, them windows needed washin', anyway, stranger.' "

"Well," ses I, "I'm sure we're all like Mr Todd, an' hopin' ivirything'll turn out all right. In anny case, the smeltin' works at Orepuki are goin' to be the makin's av.. that place—that is if Mr Wilde, the manager, is allowed to gret time to luk afther the business. They till me that he's busy from mornin' till night answerin' questions put by min that have been out all night fillin' their pockets wid reefs an' black sand. He's the mosht good-natured av min or he'd break down under the shtrain. But thin, ye see, he's like the man in* - the song that goes— So long as a smile's on my lip, And I can indulge in a chuckle, So long as I crank and I quip, To poverty dire I won't truckle. For duns I'm not caring a pin. For wealth I'm not going to, hanker— 'A balance I've got if I grin, Good Temper's the name of my banker. The note in a laugh's worth a lot, A smile that is golden is money ; Safe interest, right on the spot, They'll bring you—it sounds rather funny. A temper unruffled is casli, With sweet dispositions you're wealthy ; So don't of you life make a hash By sulking, my friend, it's not healthy. My cheque-book you'll find in my heart, And ever 'tis ready for signing ; A miser is he.who won't part With cheerfulness, snuffling, and whining ; Good temper is worth £ s. d., Believe me, in spite of all scoffers, So keep it about you, and see You ne'er have a lack in your coffers . "Well," ses Corney, "there's wan man in Orepuki that's not botherin' himsilf about the reefs, an' he's not worryin' Mr Wilde's life out wid samples an' questions. I mane Mr Jaa. Kirkton. Ye see, he's been in the dis-

trict over 40 years, an' knows every fut av the ground, an' whin somewan towld him av the grate reef that had been discovered, "Why," ses he, i " that reef was found many years ago, and it keeps on being .discovered every few years—nearly 'as many times as Pat breathes. There had been an epidemic of colds in the town, one physician who had scarcely any sleep for two days called upon a patient, an Irishman, who suffered with pneumonia, and as he leaned over to hear the patient's respiration he called upon Pat to count. The doctor was so fatigued that he fell asleep with his ear on the sick man's chest. It seemed but a minute, when he awoke, to hear Pat still counting—- ' Tin thousand an' sivinty-six, tin thousand an' sivinty-sivin ' " ' - "*■ "Well," ses Bedalia, "1 hope that the rush'll turn out to be permanent, an' not like the girl's sweetheart : Clara—'That man who has just passed was an old flame of mine. Kate—'lndeed ; what happened between you, then ?' Clara —'Oh, he flared up one day and went out.' " «$> "Well," ses Katie, "if there's no excitemint in town over the Orepuki Eldorado, there's anny amount av it over the way Mr Rennie, the inspector's huntin' up the road hogs an' other pa pie that ride on futpaths an' nivir mind the risk av knockin' down the little childer that run out av the gates or round the corners av the shtreets, to say nothin' av unregistered dogs. Some paple are wonderin' whin Mr Rennie shleeps, an' say he's the nearest approach to perpetual motion they ivir heard till about." "Well," ses Katie, "here's some lines that the offenders might study wid advantage : >.. At a moment of stress or of crisis, When troubles encompass mankind. The behaviour most tactful and wise is The product of Presence of Mind ; And although we can hardly be taught to Be vigilant, ready or brave, We may all of us leai'n how we ought to Behave. If your bulldog lays hold of a stranger, You should turn the thing off with Saying "Nonsense ! Your leg's in no danger ! For mv bull is quite cowed by your calf !" Should the victim replv to von thickly, Or to water be decoyed. Then both he and the dog should be quicklyDestroyed . If your motor runs over some chickens, And the villagers gather in groups. You should ask thezri at once why the dickens Those damp tilings aren't kept in their coops. If the owner arrives at this juncture, You must simulate virtuous ire, And accuse him of trying to puncture Yiour tire. If you notice a mud-hole before you, And you want to get on to the path. Be careful—avoid the street Yarrow, Or near the factory of Bath ; You're not even safe in the Kelvin If you happen to come minus your lamp ■; ■ But beware of that dangerous corner— Police "camp."

"Well," ses Corney, Mr Eennie, energetic man that he is, is not the only official that's up wid the lark, for I'm towld that Mr Lantsbery, av North Tnvercargill, has got a big batch av cases av ridin' on the futpaths, an' he'll want a day all to himsilf for hearin' thini. Some paple were ridin' about that much that ye wud have thought that the inshpector was dead, but begorra, "they know betther now—its been a mistake, like the man that died very suddenly, an' an undertaker was called in to do the necessary, but gettin' to the wrong door, he axed, ' Is this where the dead man is ?' whereupon the answer he got was —'No, sor ; but there is a man livin' next door that is dead.' "

"I suppose," ses I, "that some av us think we're too well lukt afther by the law nowadays, but it's nothin' to what it is in Germaoy. . Here's what happened in that counthry. Police fines to the amount av £SOO- - are annually inflicted in Germany. To explain how this large sum is accumulated, the Munich] humorous journal "Jugend" enumerates the misdemeanours committed in a sin-

gle day by a respectable tradesman, coshtin' him £6 7s an' a week's im-

prisonmint. On risin' in the mornin' he opens the window. The window is violently blown back by the wind, brea'kin' the glass, which falls to the shtreet.-—Two shillin's fine. While at breakfasht he fills in the necessary forms to report to the police that he had engaged a maidservant a week previously. For not havin' reported her widin the specified time av three days—Fine ss. On his way to business he runs afther a tram-car. For jumpin' on to the car while in motion —ss. His goods are so effectively displayed in his windows that an obstruction is'caused in the shtreet by the crowd. —Fine 10s. His windowdresser had displayed some articles in such a manner that the merchant's Christian name on the signboard v. as hidden —os fine. At noon he retui ns home by railway an' loses his season ticket—6s fine. He is awakened from an afther-dinner nap by the Governmint inshpector av the Old Age Pensions an' Insurance Department, to whom he has to produce the insurance card a"v his servant. He has affixed all the adhesive shtamps, but has forgotten to cancel thim —10s fine. Thin he receives a visit from a conshtable, who informs him that his child was vaccinated two days afther the regulation time —£1 fine. Cyclin' back to business, he is shtopped by a' constable for havin forgotten his cycle card—3s. He is shtopped again for ridin' too fasht—3s. A third constable shtops him for ridin' through a shtreet not open to cyclists—3s. A fourth shtops him for not soundin' his bell properly—3s. A fifth because he had no brake —3s. A • sixth for havin' removed his feet from the pedals—3s. By a seventh constable he is shtopped for not holdin' the handle bars—3s. He returns home in the evenin' in the twilight, an' is reported for havin' no light—3s. After supper he plays piquet wid his wife, usin' cards which do not bear 'the imported stamp duty—3os fine. Havin' omitted to appear at the drill av the fire brigade—los. He retires to his bed tired out, an' forgees to draw the blind av his bedroom window—one week's imprisonmint. K "Well." ses Katie. "I'll nivir live in Germany. "I nivir cud kape count av all the things I'd not be allowed to do." "Nivir mind, mother," ses Bedalia. "perhaps its jusht as well not to be too well informed, as the little gyrul in school said. She was well up in mosht av her studies, but had an' inveterate dislike for geography, an' it seemed impossible to tache the study to her. Wan day her teacher, made impatient, sent to Eosie's mother a. note request in' her to see that the girl studied her lesson. The nixt day showed no improvemint, however. 'And did your mother read the note, Rosie ?' ses the teacher. ' Yes. ma'am,' was the reply. 'What did she say ?' 'My mother said she din not know geography an' she got married, an' my aunt didn't know geography an' she g'ot married, an' you know geography, an' you didn't get married." DENIS.