AT THE TEA TABLE.

Rangitikei Advocate and Manawatu Argus, Volume XLV, Issue 12013, 16 March 1920, Page 5

AT THE TEA TABLE.

SOME TOPICAL TALKS. ■ ■ % im n~|]T “I notice, ” said the Scribe, ‘'that the Yankees are talking very taU, as they say. about the Monroe Doctrine, which insists that no European Power shall interfere with the doings of Americans in their own country. But ;who gave them authority over that vast Continent? And how oan they claim authority over the New World?” ‘‘They certainly hold but a small . portion of it,” said the Sage, "‘and’ that they stole from the Red Indians, just as we stole most of our Empire. We also took onr Canadian Dominion from its original owners. The only complaint we can make is that while America claims that no one shall interfere with her she is perpetually poking her nose into affairs with which Britain and the European nations are chiefly concerned. Her latest is to try to insist on the Turks being bundled out of Constantinople, and this does not agree with the policy of Britain which has to guard specially against giving offence to the millions of Mahommedans in India, Egypt and other lands over which she holds dominion. ” ‘ ‘America seems to think that she is going to have some trouble of her own, judging from her anxiety to provide defences for her shores,” said the Cynic. ‘ T see she wants to make Guam an American Heligoland. Where is Guam?” ‘Tt is a small island in the Ladrones Group, north of New Guinea, and east of the Philippines, ” said the Scribe, “ana it already belongs to the United States. Get your atlas, and observe its position in relation to Japan, and you will see the direction of Uncle Sam’s fears.” “It Is of no economic importance, ” said the Critic, “though its name has often been used in connection with shipping. In former days when it was desired to conceal the real destination of a ship it was customary to declare that she was sailing for Guam. ’ ’ . “What do you think of the Northern Territory enquiry?” asked the Politician, “I know we can’t discuss the merits of it till the Judge has reported, but it seems tome that our old friend Gilrnth has merely been doing his duty, and this has not suited either the rowdy or the dirty section of the population. ’ ’ “Some of us here enow Gilrnth well,” said the Sage,'“and we have faith enough in him to believe that he would never lend himself to anything shady, so ijhat we care not what the verdict or the Judge may be.” "If the Northern Territory was peopled by Gilruths, ” said the Cynic, “there would be no reason to fear for its future, nor that ary alien euemy would ever gain possession of it. In other times Gilrnth would have become more than a mere Administrator. In my opinion he is being assailed simply because the turbulent spirits wnom he has held in check have been able to influence the Labour Government which at present holds office in Australia.” “Maxim Gorky, the Russian novelist with the Socialistic tendency, has discovered that it makes little difference to the people whether they are ruled by King Stork or King Log, ’ ’ said the Critic. “It is carious how old .ZEsop’s fables bear on many incidents of life, ” “All the same,” said the Cynic, “if there was mo change there would be no improvement. I would sooner cherish tne rebel than the Vicar of Bray kind of man. Gorky’s disappointment may be nartly duo t® the tact that he could not get into the limelight or play a leading part, ™ “The French Army have beaten the British Army,” said the Scribe. ‘‘Revenge for Waterloo. ! It is true that it was only at football, bat it hurts. I doubt whether the French would have beaten a New Zealand representative team, and I should like to witness a match between the best of France and th« beat of our land. ” “There you go,” said the Critic, ‘ ‘and only the other day you were deploring the prominence given to football. ” “I am quite consistent,’ said the Scribe. “I was only regretting that while football receives so much support other things equally or perhaps more deserving of it obtain too little attention. Moreover in' this case my British pride has received a check, and I want to have foreign inferiority demonstrated once more. ” “So tne ‘Hocks’ are likely to be given for Hindeaburg,” said the Critic. “The Germans still Have the, war lust. The upper elapses have not yet been weaned from Kaiserism. We shall never cease to regret tnat wo became so war-weary that we welcomed an armistice instead of pressing on to Berlin, and marching our victorious army through the streets of the capital of the Fatherland. That was the only fyaf by which we could hope to drive the necessary lesson home. There are some people who cannot be impressed even by a knockout, blow—they need man-handling as well.”

“I think it is only intended to use Hmdenburg as a warming pan for another Hohenzollern, V said the Sage. “That seems to be the aim of the aristocrats. Of course, however, no one can tell what may happen when a military leader gains power. It did not take Nanoleon long to step from dictatorship to empire.” , • “Those nails they used to drive into their wooden military god, ” said the Oynic, ‘ ‘may have symbolised fastening him to the throne.” “fco Oarpsnor, li.G Aciuiiis of the boxing ring, lias bean married,” said the Spinster, “and his contest with Dempsey is to be his last fight.” “Excuse me,” said the Oynic, ■‘but I fail to realise your del action. Do yon really believe that marriage means the end of warfare? If so why was it that an Englishman with fine sarcasm -Instituted what is known as the ‘Dunmow ditch’ which awarded a flitch of bacon to any couple who could prove that for a whole twelve months tney had never quarrelled.” “I did not mean that kind of fighting,” snapped the Spinster. “What I referred to was fighting with-fists.” “I beg your pardon,” said the Oynic, “I thought you might have meant claws and nails. Let me tell you one thing, however, and that is that if Oafpeutier bad not led a perfectly clean and sober lifer ho would never have attained the position he holds as a fighter. Therefore I can heartily congratulate his bride.” : „ E;fA JAYEPBNNE. _