THE LIGHT COLUMN.

Rangitikei Advocate and Manawatu Argus, Volume XLV, Issue 11960, 11 December 1919, Page 2

THE LIGHT COLUMN.

alleged humour.

Burglar : “Hand over your money and be mighty quick about|it too!” Seaside Hotel Guest: ‘‘You have made a mistake. lam only a guest here. The waiters’ apartments are on tih© floor,”

An old offender was lately intro* duoed to a new county justice as John Simons Jalias Jones, alias Smith. “I’ll try the two women first,” said the thick headed justice. “Bring in Alice Jones!” “Pa, did you fall in love with ma at first sight?” “Yes, my dear. But it was a year or sc after we were married that the doctors discovered that I should have worn glasses much sooner than I did. " Client; “I want to sue for a divorce and an allowance .of £3OO a year.” Lawyer: *‘What is your husband s income?” Client: “It’s about that; I wouldn’t ask for more than a man makes ; I’m not that kind. ’ ’ DOUBLE POINTED. “I say, old man, I don’t know how to take Miss Cuttin’s comment on my singing?” “Wha: did she say?” “She said Caruso’s voice was excellent, but mine was better ‘still!’ ” SOME CLUE. “It’s a big question you’ve asked me, Terence, and it’s time I’d be liking to think it over.” “Sure, ’tis a very big question, Norah! and ’tis myself ’ll; be after waiting as long as you like for the answer. But just tell me one thing, cushla —will it be ‘Yes’ or ‘No’?” THE REASON WHY. Two Irishmen met one day. The firot said : Misther O’Sullivan, will ye stop and have a friendly discussion on the matter of Home Rule?” “It’s sorry I am,” said O'Sullivan, “but it’s not convenient just now.” . “And why not?”»said*the other. “Welli to tell ye the I haven’t got me shtick handy.” THE FOLLOWER. “Well, you got back all right,” said the mistress to Bridget, .who had beer.ton an errand. “Oi did. Mum,” replied Bridget, looking very flushed and pleased, “but Oi was follyed all the way be a young man.” “Indeed,” said the mistress, “and did he attempt to speak to you?” “No, Mum, ” :said t the maid, “but ho kept Looking behind him every miunit to see if Oi was comm.” TO DIE IN A YEAR. The rortuuotoller was sending cold streams of,horror down her victim’s back as she predicted the bad things in store for him in the immediate future. “You will die in a year!” she hissed at last. “This line in your palm tells me so.” “Help!” gasped the victim. “It surely cannot be as bad as that?” “As I said,” continued the seer, “you will die m a year—but in wliat year I cannot say.” CAUGHT’NI CELY. Mother; I ‘l’wish you would go on an errand for me. ” Small Son : “My leg aches awful. ” Mother: “Too bad. I wanted you I to go to old Mrs Stickney’s sweetj shop, and—” j Small Sou ; “Ob, that isn’t far. I I can walk there easy.” | Mother: “Very well: go there ■' and just beside it you will see a i grocer’s shop. Go in and get mo a | bar of soap. ” HIS SYSTEM. “Sergeant,” said the commanding ! officer, “I was looking last evening i for some records concerning the re- ’ ligious services held every Sunday ; morning, but could not find them on 1 the tiles. Where are they?” j “They are filer' under ‘H, ’ sir,” i answered the sergeant in charge t of I the files, j “Why under ‘H’?” SSB | “Because it begins at b&lf past nine, sir. ”