WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 23, 22 March 1918, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

SETTLING HIM. In a small town between Wellington, N.Z., and Plymouth, the woman took a “conscientious objector’’ in hand with some originality of method. He was a young man, a farmer, and engaged to be married to a daughter of a parson resident roar one of the Maori settlements. A deputation of ladies waited upon the “objector” and informed him —politely, of course—that he must decide by ten o’clock that night to enlist. If he did not do so the troubles of Pharaoh would not be in it. He refused to listen to the ladies, who at once setout to the location of his intended bride. They succeeded in obtaining her consent to give the young farmer the go-by unless he enlisted. They brought the young lady to him, and she laid down, in fine, flat-line language, the duty he owed hie Empire, “If you don’t go, our affair is all off,’ she said, “If you 1 enlist. I’ll marry you the day you dou ' the khaki.” That fetched him.

BLOW PROGRESS. A regiment of regulars were making a long, dusty march atro«a ih» r 'll- - prairie-land of Montana. It a hot, blistering day, and the men. longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the nest town. At Last a rancher rode pact. “Say, friend,’’ called out one of the men, “how far is it to tiw next town ?" “Oh, a matter of two miles cvr so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. “How far to the next town?’’ the men asked him, eagerly. “Oh, a good two miles, ’’

A weary half-hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey ! How far’s the next town?’* “Not far,” was the encouraging answer. “Only about two miles.” “Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant., “thank goodncee we're holding our own, .anyhow !”

swer. Only about two nuies. “Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant., “thank goodness we're holding our own, .anyhow !” WILY WIGGLES. For the third time thecommerdal traveller, possessed with an energj that' nothing could suppress, called upon Farmer Wiggles with his samples, of the patent food for calves, which had won for his firm a worldwide reputation. “Aw can’t see no difference in them calves of mine yet,” said the farmer ; “but I'll take another free sample.” The commercial, not discouraged, left him a third sample, and returned again a fortnight later for an expected order, “The calves are in a mighty bad way,” said Farmer Wiggles. “Aw don’t think they’ll live the day out." “Did you give them the food regularly ?” asked the traveller, with a long face. “O’ coorse Aw did ! But they gol plump, so Aw sold ’em to t’ butcher. Aw ain’t got no calves now, so don’i need any more o’ t’ patent food, Good morning +o ’ee, air !”

HIT THE MARK, The pretty school teacher he.d asked her class for the best original definition of “Wife,” and the hoy in the corner promptly responded, “A rib!” She looked at him reproachfully, and nodded to the hoy with dreamy eyes, ! who seemed anxious to say something. “Man’s guiding star and guardian angel !’•’ be said, in response to the nod. “A helpmeet!” pub in a little flaxen-haired girl. “One who soothes man in adversity.” suggested a demure little girl. ' “And spends his money he’s flush,” added the incorrigible hoy in the corner. There was a lull, and the pretty dark-haired girl said, slowly, “A wife is the envy of spinsters.” “One who makes a man hustle,” was the next suggestion. “And keeps him from making a fool of himself,” put in another girl. “Someone for a man t< find fault with when things go j wrong,” said a sorrowful little maidI en. “Stop there,” said the pretty ! school teacher ; “that’s tne best de- ! finition,”

THAT DID IT. rils aunt was rich and elderly. 81m had called, unexpectedly, when he wsm out, and his wife was trying to entertain her by such methods aa she thought to be best conducive to their future welfare. The old lady had recently added a gramophone to her establishment, and when she,heard that early that morning her loving nephew had made for her a record of her favourite cornet solo, she was delighted, “How nice of him !’’ she said. “Can I hear it ?’’

‘‘Well,” said her niece, "we haven’t tried it yet, but still, I’ll put it on.” It was a pronounced success, and the old lady was charmed. But her feelings changed when, after the solo was finished, _the instrument brought out with fatal clearness

"Phew ! It that’s not good for an extra hundred in the old girl’s will, I’m a Dutchman !"

New Lodger (sarcastically) : "Is this all the soap there is in the room ?” Landlady (decidedly) : "Yes. sirall I can allow you.” New Lodger; ‘‘Well, I'll take I l *' l more rooms, I’ve got to wash my face in the morning.”

Parmer Brown : "Look her* neuter, the war map you sold m», at* L correct!” Shopkeeper ; "P.eAlly ! tV w do y U know that 7" Farmer Brow* "Mr v oy <-■ =- written home, ws* *■>.»•> h T ’c jiist goieg to Recoivfrfr. v « but I’m hanged if I can find U * marked o* the caan J" .