WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 23, Issue 6, 23 January 1912, Page 3

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Persons who pick up ft living—Miners First-class securities—Handcuffs and time locks. The snake’s tail, like* aerial tale, is continued in their necks. Even in the dizzy waltz it is love that makes the whirled go round. *' Do you wish to settle for that milk to* day?" ‘‘No; you can chalk i‘, down. I« will settle itself."' Paradoxical as it may seem, debtors have to be "stirred up" before they will settle. Why does a man’s hair turn grey befori his moustache?- Because it is about 20 years older. Algy (to sportsmen): "Which of you had the most sport out shooting to-day ?" Hunter: " The rabbits." “ That is a nice way to begirt the week,’ - as the man said , when he was going to be hanged on Monday morning. A prima 'facie case—When a clerk is accused of being behind time there is something wrong on the face of it.

A baker has invented a new kind of yeast that makes his bread so light that a pound loaf weighs twelve ounces. , A philosopher who had married a vulgar girl used to call her “ brown sugar.” because, he said, she was sweet, but unrefined. Quizz (fishing for sympathy): "Do you suffer from neuralgia ?" Fizz (emphatically). " Always when I have it.” " Are you aParis-ite ?” asked the cholera bacillus. "No,” replied the consumption bacillus; " I’m a Germ-un." •* I wonder what makes my eyes so weak,” said Robinson to Smith. "Why, they are in a weak place," said the other. "Tolive long," says Cicero, “ it is necessary to live slowly.” Telegraph messenger boys keep this saying pasted in their hats. Mr. Bullion (to his collector): " How werj you received at Neverpay ?" Sticker: " Very cordially; I was asked to call again.” •• Do you believe in cures effected by the laying on of hands?” “I do. There is nothing like spanking to mako a child behave itself.” Tommy : “ Paw, what was the name of that Greek god that was lame ?” Mr. Figg: “ I believe I have forgotten. Lemme see. It wasn’t Olympus, was it ?” An old salt, when asked how far north he had been, replied that he had been so far north that " the cows when milked faesidb a red-hot stove gave ice cream.” The custom of throwing an old slipper after a newly-wed ded pair is of ancient descent,. and is believed to have had its origin in the idea that marriage is a slippery kind of business. A farmer said : " One thing I don’t like about city folks,— they be either so stuck up that ye can’t reach ’em with a haystack pole, or so blamed friendly that they forget to pay their board.” Does your wife play whist ?” asked one gentleman of another at a paity. "No, but she plays a strong hand at poker," answered the gentleman, significantly rubping the back of his head. \An Irishman' contentedly laid his head upSlfva large stone jar for. a pillow and replied to one who inquired it it was not rather hard—" Not at all, my jewel, for I lave stuffed it with hay." ' " THAT’s*a very handsome picture," he observed politely to the artist. " What do vou call it ?” " That is a study from stiff life." V‘What is the name of it "A Tramp at Work,” &A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer, said: " Can you supply me with a yard of pork?” "Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pigs’ jeetl"

First fisher (on the right bank of the river): “ I say man, ha’e ye got a bite yet ?” Second fisher (on the left bank, exactly opposite, rubbing 111 s leg);Aye, I ha’e got a bete, but it wis frae the shepherd’s dog.” Old boy: “ Young man, don’t try to fly too high at first. Always begin at the Oottom and work up.” Flippant youth: •’ That’s all right if you want to climb a ladder; but what if you want to dig a well ?" An annoying accident.—Sanso: "I want to buy one of those unbreakable lamp chimneys you have advertised." ' Clerk : “ I am very, lorry, sir, but we accidentally got our whole stock smashed this afternoon." At a cricket match in the South of England the field was remarkably bad, and, several easy catches having been missed, one player remarked to another: "There’s an epidemic about, but it’s not catching." " Whew 1" sighed the umbrella how I suffer! lam worn to a skeleton, and have had four of my ribs broken in a week.” "Nonsense!" retorted the hat. "You suffer! Why, every night of my life is spent upon the rack." ; -■ Judge; "Officer, this witness says that you stood by and saw the whole affair, and never once made an effort to quell the disturbance. Why was that ?" Officer: “ May It plaze your Honour they niver, wance called for the pelace." A correspondent asks, " What time of year do the days begin to shorten ?" When you. have a note in bank. A bill in bank is the great annihilator of time. The days are crowded together in thin layers, and the nights are like a smear from a blacking brush. “ A man paid 12s. for a barrel of apples. He sold half of them for tos., and the rest of them decayed on his hands. How much did be lose?” asked the teacher. "He didn’t lose nothin’,” bawled out a farmer’s boy in the class; "he worked ’em up into cider." . “Your luggage," said the hotel clerk, suspiciously, " has come apart. May I ask what that .queer thing is ?" " This," saidthe guest, "is a pew patent fire-escape. I always carry it, 30 ip case of fire 1 can let royseKdown from the hotel window." “J see,"' said the clerk, thoughtfully. ’"On? terms for guests with fire-escapes are'invariably cash in advance." ! " Now, Tom,” said his sister, as they were coming home from a New Year’s eve party, “ I want you to begin the new year with the resolve to get out of debt. You must give up some of your expensive habits —now, won’t you promise to give up at least one?" "Oh, I guess so," said Tom. " What shall it be ?" said she, resolved to strike while the iron was hot. "Buying theatre tickets for you." / Where a woman, in allusion to her headgear, "speaks 0! her toque, her Tam o’ Shunter, her felt, her chip, her straw, her crinoline,iier TRembrandt, her Gainsborough, I her VJe&MC, her sailor, her coalscuttle, her chocolate, her crushed-strawberry, her cardinal, her velvet, her silk, her pongee, her waterproof, her flap, her cap, her turban, her tnrn-OP. her turn-down, her morning, her afternoon, her marketing, her visiting, her church; Mr country, her seaside, her travelling, herridlng, herboaling,.her tennis _bere arh some 40 different kinds, and there are some 40 more-* man, though