WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 23, Issue 5, 19 January 1912, Page 3

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Persons who pick up a living— Minoru First-class securities —Handcuffs and .ime locks. The snake’s tail, like a serial tale', is cob< tinupd in their necks. Even in the dizzy waltz it is love tbai makes the whirled go round. " Do you wish to settle for that milk to day?" "No; you can chalk it down. I{ will settle itself.” Paradoxical as it may seem, debtors have to be " stirred up” before they will settle. ■ , Why does a man’s hair turn grey befort his moustache? Because it is about 20 years older. Algy (to sportsmen) ; ” Which of yon had the most sport out shooting to-day?” Hunter: ” The rabbits." ” That is a nice way to begin the week,” as the man said when he was going to be hanged on Monday morning. .. A prirtM facie case—When a clerk is accused of being behind time there is something wrong on the face of it. A baker has invented a new kind of yeast that makes his bread so light that a pound loaf weighs twelve ounces. t A philosopher who had married a vulgar girl used to call her " brown sugar," because, be said, she was sweet, but unrefined.

Quizz (fishing for sympathy): "Do you suffer from neuralgia ?’’ Fizz (emphatically): Always when I have it." " Are you aParis-ite ?” asked the cholera bacillus, ” No,” replied the consumption bacillus; ” I’m a Germ-un." " I wonder what makes my eyes so weak,” said Robinson to Smith. "Why, they are in a.weak place,” said the other. "To live long,” says Cicero, “ it is necessary to live slowly.” T'elegraph messenger boys keep this saying pasted in their hats. Mr. Bullion (to his collector): “ How were you received at Neverpay ?" Sticker: "Very cordially; I was asked to call again.” " Do you believe in cures effected by the laying on of hands?” "I do. There is nothing like spanking to make a child behave itself.” ,v. Tommy : " Paw, what was the name of that Greek god that was lame ?" Mr. Figg: "I believe I have forgotten. Leraraesee, It wasn’t Olympus, was it ?” An old salt, when asked how far north he had been, replied that he had been so far north that "the cows when milked beside a red-hot stove gave ice cream.” The custom of throwing an old slipper after a newly-wedded pair is of ancient descent, and is believed to have had its origin in the idea that marriage is a slippery kind of business. A farmer said: " One thing I don’t lih& about city (oiks —they be either so stuck up that ye can’t reach ’em with a haystack pole, or so blamed friendly that they forget to pay their board.” " Does your wife play whist ?” asked one gentleman of another at a party, " No, but she plays a strong hand at poker,” answered the gentleman, significantly ruboing the back of his head. vAn Irishman contentedly laid his head updh'a large stone jar for a pillow and replied to one who inquired if it,was not rather hard—" Not at all, my jewel, for I lave stuffed it with hay.”^ ” That’s a very handsome picture,’’ he observed politely to the artist. " What do you call it?" "That is a study fromstiA life.” "What is the name of it?” Tramp at Work.” -to--a.., .• wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer, riaid; " Can you supply me with a yard ol pork?" "Pat," said ,the dealer to his assistant,. " give this gentleman three pigs’ feel I" •« .I^*-

First fisher (on the right bank of the river): " I say man, ha'e ye got a bite yet ?" Second fisher (on the left bank, exactly' opposite, rubbing 1 lis leg): " Aye, I ha’e got a bite, but it wis frae the shepherd's dog." Old boy: 11 Young man, don’t try to fly ico high at first. Always begin at the Dottom and work up." Flippant youth: That’s all right if you want to climb a ladder; but what if you want to dig awell ?" An annoying aucident.—Sanso:" I want to buy one of those unbreakable lamp chimneys you have advertised.” Clerk : ’’ lam very terry, sir, but we accidentally got onr whole stock smashed this afternoon." • At a cricket match in the South of England the field was remarkably bad, and, several easy catches having been missed, one player remarked to another: "There’s an epidemic about, but it’s not catching.^,’ " Whi.w 1" sighed the umbrella ; “ how 1 suffer I lam worn to a skeleton, and have had four of my ribs broken in a week.” " Nonsense I" retorted the hat. •* You suffer! Why, every night of my life i* spent upon the rack."^;» , isj« . Judge: "Officer, this witness says that you stood by and saw the whole affair, and never once made an effort to quell the disturbance. Why was that ?’’ Officer: ’’ May it plaze your Honour they niver wance called for the pelace." A correspondent asks. " What time of year do the days begin to shorten ?" When you have a note in bank. A bill in bank is the great annihilator of time. The days are crowded together in thin layers, and the nights are like a smear from a blacking brush. " A man paid las. for a barrel of apples, fie sold half of; them for ios., and the rest of them decayed on his hands. How mufch did he lose?" asked the teacher. "He didn't lose nothin’,” bawled out a farmer's boy in the class; "he worked 'em up into cider." "Yoon luggage," said the hotel clerk, suspiciously, ’’ has come apart. May I ask what that queer thing is•?’* "This," said r the guest, "is a new patent fire-escape. I always carry it, so in case of fire I can let myself down from the hotel window." • " I see,” said the clerk, thoughtfully. " Our terms for guests with fire-escapes are invariably cash in advance." “ Now, Tom," said his sister, as they were coming home from a New Year’s eve party, “ I want yen to begin the new year with the resolve to get out of debt. Yoa must give up some of your expensive habits —now, won't you promise-to give up at least one?" "Oh, I guess so," said Tom "What shall it be?" said she. resolved to strike while the iron was hot. "Buying theatre tickets for you.” Where a woman, in allusion to her headgear, speaks of her toque, her Tam o' Shanier, her felt, her chip, her straw, het crinoline, her Rembrandt, her Gainsborough, her Wagner, her sailor, her coalscuttle, her chocolate, her crushed-strawberry, her cardinal, her velvet, her silk, her pongee, her waterproof, her flap, her cap, her turban, her tnrn-np, her turn-down, her morning, her afternoon, her marketing, her visiting, her church, her country, her seaside, her travelling, her riding, her boating, her tennis —here are some 40 different kinds, and there are some 40 more—a man. though married-and-a’ for yean, makes use of but two geaeriSitoM’—they «» “bonnet” and <k,hsU."

* REAL PRESENCE OF MIND. There were, half-a-dozen old fellows sitting on a bench at a seaside resort talking upon ,various subjects) and finally they began to tell stories as to the wonderful teats ol presence of mind they had witnessed. One old gentleman told of the building of a mill where a number of upright posts had to bo put into about six feet ofwater, with; the ends resting on the bottom. In loweringone of these posts the end became entangled in the coit tail of a man in a boat, who wao steadying it, and took-hinx to the bottom 1 but before he could get.nnentangled he wa« pinned fast under, nearly’six feet of water. "With wonderful presence of mind," saiol the storyteller, *,* he slipped out of his coat, and came us. His coat remained under the post" A lean, lank fellow, who had been listening, came up, saying: ‘ ‘ That’s a remarkable incident, but nothing to what I saw here in the bay about thirty years ago." "What was it? Tell us 1” exclaimed; the party, all at once. “Well, you see the end of the pier over there? I was out there in a boat with a frienfi. We had started out for a fish, and had taken our guns with us to shoot ducks, if any should turn up, which was a common thing in those days. Well, we hadn't there long before I, in some way, dropped my .. der-horn overboard, and it sank in • ' thirty tret of water. There it lay on the bottom in plain sight. My friend said ho' would dive for it. I tried to persuade him not to, but he was determined. I noticed The didn't take oft his powder-horn, and bej fore Leonid' ca’Lattention to it he was in the water. I waited about twenty minutes.” “Twenty iminutes I” they all exclaimed. ” That’s the exact time, my friends. I held my watch in my hand and timed him. After twenty minutes I began to get a little nervous, and looked over the side of the i > boat; and> what do you think I saw ?” ”1 suppose your, friend lay on the bottom —drowned," ventured one. “No, you are, wrong.. Here Is where ho showed his presence of mind and dirty, thieving disposition. There he sat at the bottom, pouring the powder out of my hor into bis own, and whistling 1 That is what I consider a remarkable instance of a man’s presence of mind," - No reply was made by any of his listeners, but each one quietly, got up, looking suspiciously at the storyteller, and left him alone, master of the situation.

j ANECDOTES. A isather witty retort was recently given by a Tipperary cooper when asked what Ireland was like.' With-true Hibernian* wit he said: —" Ireland is a place of punishment, Where the Irish people must suffer for a time before they can go to America.” The Bishop of Liverpool, when he reached his appointment one Sunday by means of a cab, said to the driver, ■" I hope, my , good fellow, you go to church regularly.’,' " Well, I should, sir," replied the roan, " if it for driving the likes of you.” - Erin is not always appreciated by: the British Army. A short time ago the-—■«-Regiment of Dragoons relieved the—-Regi-ment of Lancers on Irish service. The departing and incoming regiments passed, each other on the North Wall, Dublin, (place oi ( embarkation), the band of the incoming •regiment playing " Come back to Erin," that of the one marching but, “ Not for Joe.” Nasmyth, the inventor of the steam hammer,- one day answered an advertisement lot erhployment with a large shipbuilder. One of the partners began chaffing him about his name. He.said, "Ye cannause a hammer, for your nae sraith. as yen ain name tells." Nasmyth replied, " Yer ain name tells a: lea, mair than mine, for, tho’ ye call yersel' Elder, yo’re only a bit laddie. But I'll let ye see my hammer gie ae stroke that will send, a spike farther into the ground than a 1 yer thousand men could do,, though they hammered - for a hundred years.” And he did it. Didn’t Recognise his Own Wife.— Some amusing anecdotes are related of a learned divine who was a veryj absent-minded man. One day he was taking-tea at the house of a friend, and became very much interested in conversation with,the-host. He drank,his tea, and the hostess quietly filled his, cup; tins was repeated three times. Then she modestly said, " Shall I fill ypjurpup, sir?" “Thank you, ma'am," answered he, “ I never drink more than one cup;" This sqmo gentleman had been- a widower.for several years. but after a time he niarrisd a young wife.; One Sabbath morning, after, the service was over, the bride walked up to the altar to accompany her husband home. -He shook hands with her.-very cordially,- and said, “ Your face is very familiar to me, but really I can't call you by name.” Doing Bahnum. —The following- story of Barnum is told by " Professor” Hutchings, the “lightning calculator." Bamum used to go at one time, to a certain New-. York barber, by name Higginson. One day the showman entered the shop in a hurry,! and found his particular chair being filled by a bucolic Irishman. “ I’ll pay for you if you will give me first chance,” saitt Barnum, addressing the son of Erin. It was ai bargain. But next day, when Barnum entered the shop, he was presented with a bill for* 7 dollars 50 cents. TheTrishman had seized the opportunity for a bath,, a hair cut, an elaborate shampoo, whiskers trimmed and curled, boots blacked, etc. Barnum paid the bill. He also sought out the Irishman,, and gave him a season ticket to his museum. The old showman dearly loved a joke,-- even at his own expense., • Equal to the Emergency.— A goodstory is told of the-Duke of Portland and the Duke of Clarence <and-Avondale with - reference to a conversation they had with a street.arab in London. Whilst walking down one' of the principal, thoroughfares in the city, the two dukes came across a first-rate specimen of the regular London, street arab. The 1 Duke of Portland, thinking of seeing a bit. of fun, quickly called theJad to him,.and>said, " My boy, I’ll give you half-a.crown if you’ll go and tip that policeman’s hat off." ; The boy, thinking he was joking,' said he would like to see the,colourof the money first .-The duke instantly, pulled put a half crown-and gave it to, the boy. So the bargain was made. Now came the fun. The lad crept away, and, running as hard as his legs comd carry him after the policeman, jumped up behind-him, .and knocked his hat-off, rolling it into the gutter. As quick as lightning the " bobby" was after him, and in a few seconds the boy was collared. Of 1 course, he was asked whfit he did such; a thing for, etc. ” Those two gents told me to do it/* replied the. lad, now almost. in tears. Off marched the policeman to the “ two gents,” taking with him the lad by the collar. Of course, the duke readily admitted having paid the lad for the trick he had so successfully played. “Your names,” demanded the policeman, in a voice like a lion, “lam the Duke of Portland," said that “ gent/’ “Now, :otne, no nonsense; let’s; have just your proper, names without any bother," returned the constable. After .having convinced the officer of the law that it was correct, he turned to the Duke of Clarence and Avondale,, and asked for his name. Almost precisely the same conversation took place between these two. At last, partly satisfied as to who they really were, the policeman turned to the boy, and said, “And what's your name?” “My name’s the Duke of Westminster, 1 ' replied the lad, “mil mean le stick to my pais."