HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume XLIX, Issue 16021, 6 January 1923, Page 11

HUMOR MORE OR LESS.

DANGEIIOUS SUGGESTION.

Boy: Father, do you know that every winter an animal'puts on a new fur coat?

Father: Hush! Not so loud! Your mother's in tho next room!

• * ■ m- ■ • A FISHY STORY

A famous English musician, who has recently died, once found himself at a musical “at-home.- ” In the course of the evening’s tortures, a young lady attempted a very difficult song, which she sang with exaggerated expression and many blunders. Next to the great composer sat an elderly lady, overflowing with gushing ignorance and vivid superlatives. “Oh, sir,’’ she murmured, “do you not adore her singing? Is it not full of soul?’’ “Well, madam,’’ he whispered, with a twinkle in his eye, “for my part, I think there is more of the flounder than the sole about it.” • « • * UNAFRAID. Jimmy: Dearest, I must marry you ’ ’ yhimmy: Have you seen father? Jimmy: Often, honey, but I love j r ou just the same. NOT INVITED. Teddy: I wish I hadn’t licked Jimmy Brown this morning. Mamma: You see how wrong it was, ilou’t you, dear? Teddy: Yes; ’cause I didn’t know till this afternoon that ho was going to give a party. • • * • HAD NASAL EVIDENCE. (She was rather green at the game and they had about reached a hole which was on the top of a little hill. The youth ran up first to see the lie of the balls. “A stymie!” he shouted, “a dead stymie!” The young lady canto' up with a sniff. “Well, do : you know,’ ’ she said, “P thought I smelled something as i was walking up the hill. ” '■ • • • ■ ”• A WHOLESALE RESEMBLANCE. “I never ’lowed I was any -worse than the'average gent,” disgruntedly said Gap Johnson of Rumpus Ridge, “but every time one of the children cuts up, wife yells at him, ‘You’re just like your Paw!’ And there’s fourteen of tiic little cusses, each -with his special brand of devilment.” • • • • “SCOTCH” COACHMAN. Have you heard of the Scottish lady who gave a commission to two of her tenants to secure for her a teetotal coachman? After a time they came tack with an old ‘ ‘ Donal,’, ’’. remarking to the lady, “It beats us to get a teetotal one, but. here’s one that you cannot fill foo’. ” • • ! * I’ • ' • LONG ENOUGH. The candidate for election had prefaced his remarks' with the announcement that lie “would 1 rtot keep thorn long” —but he had proved both longwinded and tedious. “Now, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “we come to the main issue. 1 have lived long enough —” Ho got no further. “You’re quite right there, guv'nor!” came a lusty voice from the back of the hall —and the speech came to an end. AN OPPORTUNE EARTHQUAKE. A well-known lawyer in a New Zealand town was one day arguing a case beforo a jury. He -waxed eloquent as lie referred to the enormous frauds which were being committed upon his client by the other side. In the midst of his' discourse the Cburt was rocked like a cradle by the terrible throes of typ earthquake. Every sound was husHedi The counsel shared in the general apprehension, but quickly, regained his presence of mind. His voice rung loud and clear as he cried, to tho. jury: “You see, gentlemon, the very earth trembles with the enormity of their .frauds,” The terrified jury gave .him the verdict.

DOUBLE-EDGED QUOTATION.

A member 'of the Victorian State Assembly was very much, given to quoting Shakespeare. On any and every occasion ho managed somehow to drag a quotation into his speeches. Once during a’discourse on taxation he, as usual, had recourse to the great dramatist' for something with which to polish off his speech. The well-known lines came from his lips:— “Who steals niy .purse, steals trash; But ho who filches from mb my good name— ’’ , - “Takes that I never had,” burst in a member of the Opposition, before lie could go any further. * 'w * * \■' * •, A HIGH EXPLOSIVE. * The shift-boss had put the new chum at work drying out dynamite. ■ “Now, said, “you’ve got to keep your eye on that thermometer, in tlie heater. If it gets' above 85 you’re liable to hear 'an awful explosion round here. When sho reaches 82 degroes you’ve got ( iust three minutes in which to work, for it' takes exactly three minutes for it to rise to 85,’’ lAn hour later the boss returned to see how the new hand was doing. .“Well, how’s sho going?’’ ho on-

rjuircd. v “Oh, first rate.” , “Do you watch that thermometer?” “My oath I do, and I’m keepin ’ her down.” ' He reached into the heater and pulled out tho thermometer^. • “ ’Struth!”''lie”said. “She’s up to 84. There, that ’ll'fix. her, ” He plunged tho thermometer in a bucket of cold Water and hung it back on the heater. Then lie wondered what the boss was running for. i'v 9 * • ‘/ • ' v , ' LOST IN TRANSIT.. When a woman inquired' at the G.P.O. about a'missing pared she was asked whero it urns coming from. She said that she did not-'know. She said the same when she was asked when she had expected it to arrive. Then he clerk, whd had turned the place upside down in the hunt for the thing, tusked her’how die knew that it was coming at all. “Why, I wont to t a fortune .toller,” she replied indignantly, : “and. she told mo a parcel was coming for me.. So I want to know what you have done with it. .The post office is always losing things.” That parcel is still missing. • • • • THE WtlOEfi./TRUTH, Many years ago, during the hearing of a cattlorfahiing chso 'at’Maitland, an aboriginal rouseaboijt, 1 was. subpoenaed by tho defonce. A well-known Sydney barrister was demonstrating for the benefit of the jury that the witness fully understood tho sanctity of an oath. “. . < and now Jackie,” he continued, “explain to tho jury what will happen if you tell a lie.” ■ Tho witness did ns ho was bid. Rolling his eyes in evident fear, he pointed downward and indicated by many

w ould then take a' hand 'lit the'procecd lugs.

"You will perceive, gentlemen," resumed the barrister, "that the witness is fully seized with the binding consequences of his oath." "And now, Jackie," he added, "tell the jury what will happen if you speak the truth." Tho witness shifted uneasily on his feet, grinned sheepishly," and burst out with : '' Py.■cri.pea,, the.boss Jos 'em case then, alright!" *". '!•