FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3595, 6 February 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

To the man with a will, a way is never wanting. The man who won’t b • advised can’t be helped. Of Iwo evils choose not the least, but. neither. A man without courage is a knife without an edge. —Sarcasm should be kept as ar.»;our, not used as a sword. —He who takes a wife should lake care or he wili take care. —lf <i? J rovidence shuts the door the wise man does not get through the window. Sunny : “Cfieer up ! Where there’s rain there are flowers.” Mopey: “Yes, I know ; but where there are flowers there are tombstones.” Reade: - “There are wrinkles in that busy merchant’s faee.” Naylor: “'lhey are probably trade marks.” Julia: “Would you marry a man who was your inferior?” ‘Moana : “If I marry at all.” Arc'Bie: “It’s wonderful, old man, what love will enable a .chap to see in a girl that he never saw before." Reggie: “No doubt; but it’s equally wonderful what it won’t let him see that he’ll see later on.” Ruth: “For goodness’ sake, Susie, whose socks are you darning?” Susie: ‘They belong to Tommy Small. When I refused him I said I’d oe a sister to him, and he took me at my word.” —“I think,” said the merchant, “I'll have to dismiss your friend Barnes. I never saw anyone so lazy. “Slow in everything, is he?” “Not everything. He gets tired very quickly.” “Just think of it! That fellow came in and actually stole the clock right off the mantelpiece.” “And your dog was in the very room?” “Yes, but that doesn t count. Fido is only a watch dog, you know.” —Mr Isaacs: “What, are you giving Rae as a marriage settlement, Mrs Oohen?” Mrs Cohen: “Why, Mr Isaacs? Are you falling in love with her?” Mr Isaacs: ‘No fear! I don't set my house on fire till I’ve seen the insurance policies.” Grigsby called me a liar yesterday, and I told him that for twopence I’d whip him.” “Did he give you the money?” “No; he had nothing but a stamp ,and I never take stamps.” She: ‘‘Harold. I wish you wouldn t be quite so scornful of all hair that isn t golden!" He: “Don’t you like my letters, dear?” She: “Of course I do. But some cf the girls I show them to haven t golden hair.” Mamma: “Now. T'rddie, wouldn c you like to be a banker like Uncle Peter when you grow up?” Teddie: “Well, mumrrue. couldn’t I bo a banker without being like Uncle Peter?” Belton: “Some people are always jumping at conclusions.’ Milton: “Yes; but others are only more leisurely in their manner of making mistakes.” “No. Harry, I am sorry; but 1 am sure tnal we could not bo happy together. You know I alwavs want my own way m everything.” “But, my dear girl, you could go cn wanting it, you know, after we .were married.” Wife: “I see that in Sumatra a wife can be bought for twelve shillings. Isn’t at perfectly awful?’ Hutby: “Oh. I don t know ; t s pposo prices are high, there, just the same a- in other countries.” Dora: “You know Gertie’s got a new hat.” Ncra : “Is it becoming?” Dora: “Well, it just matches her face.” Nora: Oh is it as plain as all that?” The profiteer was buying hooks. “Here’s cue you should have. sir. said thfe assistant. “Boswell's, ‘ Life of Johnson.” The profiteer drew himself up. lam not interested in lire careers cf coloured pugilists.” he said. >- ;■ ••pa i. will vou buy me a drum: > 1 a little lid of his father. “But, / v tai\ I’m afr-rd vou’ll disturb me with it!" •h. tic. 1 won’t.” ?aid the little 'fellow* 'Tit rlv play when you're asleep.” , y dear 'ld ladv. in London. for the ’fir.l Vi -e in her life, saw a glaring sign cn the front of a high building which read : “iho ‘-mlh Manufacturing Company. “Dawks a mer-v she remarked to her nephew, ‘Tve heard of Smiths all ray life, hut I never knew where they made ’em.” Well. d.ur. I shall have to do the cooking now. Cook left without warning this afternoon." “Net exactly without warning. She told me this lnornino that I hid better bring some indigestion pills home wiih me to-night, but I didn’t quite understand what she meantl” t —After counsel had treated some witnesses to a very severe cross-examination the opposing counsel rose to his feet,. and said: “Now, Mr X., I intend to handle your witnesses without gloves! ’ “ That is more than I would like to do with yours!” retorted his opponent, Dyer: “I hear poor Sparker was killed on his very first flight.” Fryer: “Yes. It was verv sad. You know Sparker was always a law-abiding chap. I\ ell, the other night the moon went behind a cloud, and, without stopping to think where he was. he just stepped out to light the lamps. ’ Nervous Young Man : “Have ypu—ergot any cradles?” Salesman:, “Yes, Sir.” Young Man (becoming still more nervous): "In cases where—where —when it wasn't just—just what you expected, you know, and—and—and you have to buy cradles, you know, is it customary to buy two cradles or—or one cradle big enough for both of ’em?” —“You did!” he stormed. “I did not!” she denied. “You did!” he repeated., “1 did not!" she flung back. “Well.” said hubby, “one of us is a very capable bar. But there is something which prevents me from saying which one.” “Modesty, I presume-,” retorted his wife. And he gave up, beaten. For an hour the teacher had talked about the parts played by carbohydrates, proteids. and fats in the upkeep of the human body. At the end of the lesson the usual test questions were put. “Can any girl tell me.” she asked, “the three foods required to keep the body in health?” There was silence until one small girl held up her hand and replied: “Please, miss, yer breakfast, yer dinner, and yer tea,” Major Blank, in his dugout, wrote a message and handed it to a coloured runner. “Read this carefully,” he said, “and then deliver it to Captain Parks, Company O. If anything happens, destroy the message, and deliver it verbally to Captain Parks.” Ten minutes later the major looked up to see the runner still there. “What: are you doing here?” he shouted. “When I give an order I want it’obeyed at ortce !” “Lawd, Major,” replied the frightened map, “I can’t reaid readip’, let alone read writin’ l”