FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3523, 20 September 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Nervous bridegroom (at hotel): ‘'Eh—0h ! I’d like a room with a wife, for myself and bath !” —Customer (with week's board): ‘‘Do you think that old razor will do it?' (Barber: rt will, sir—if the handle don’t break !” . Winnie: “Ah! Jimmie was the light pi my eye !”_ Minnie: "What happened to him?” “He was put out by my father.” t . Walters: "Why is a man's wife called ‘his better half?’” Jones; “Because it takes a better half to sec the worse side of a man.” —Young: “I think a pretty sixteen-year-old girl is the most interesting thing in tne world- .” Brill: ‘‘She is—until she j starts talking.” | —Elsie: “Charlie says I’m so cold. You don t tsunk I’m cold, do you?” Frank: “You couldn’t be. You’re so wrapped up in ycurseif.” —She: “You used to say that Mary wu3 such a sweet, pensive little girl.” * Ho: "Well, she soon got over that; you might say that she became ex-pensive.” Mr A.: “Who’s the woman you juas bowed to?” Mrs A. : “Our next door neighbour.” “But she didn’t return vour bow.” “She never returns anything.” Reggie: “So she refused you?” Willie: “Well, that was the idea that I got.” “Did she actually say Wo?’ ” “(No, she didn’t.' All she said was 'Ha, ha, ha!'” T lWbci': “You’re very bald on top, ■sir.” Customer (irritably) : “What if 1 am? You needn’t talk so much. And come to that, what about that squint of yours?” “I want to get something for rnv hus-

band. lie’s a golfer.” “Why not get. him a new club?” suggested the salesman. “Dear me, no. He belongs to three clubs already.” —Wife: “Mrs Snapper’s husband suffered terribly before he died.” The Brute: “How long had they been married?” Wife: “Six months.” The Brute: “I don’t call that suffering much !” —Hannnond: “Can you lend me a pound?” Smart: “I will when I comes back from Brighton.” Hammond: “When are you coming back?” Smart: “Between ] ourselves, I’m not going.” Bu n ter: “(Neither my brother nor I was able to get to sleep last night; he had the toothache, and I, you know, am in love. Hunter: “And who feel asleep first in the end?” “Oh, mv brother!” ' —Professor: “Sedentary work tends to lessen the endurance.” Bright Student; In other words, the more one sits the less one can stand.” “Exactly; and if one lies a good deal one’s standing is lost completely. ” . Nlrs Kerr (to Bob, who is sharpening m.s knife) ; “Be careful with that. I can’t see what you want the nasty thing for!” Bob: “Oh, father says we must cut down expenses, and you said baby is an expense, and so .” —The little boy met the expected visitor half-way down (lie garden path. “Are Mrs Robinson?” he asked, anxiously, j dear, was tlio reply. “Arc you glad to see me?” “Rather! Mother’s sure to cut the cake now.” Teacher: “Can any boy tell me what comes m like a lion and goes out like a lamb? Billy (aged nine): “please, sir I know.” Teacher: “Well, Billy, what’is it?’ Billy (triumphantly): “The landlord, when father pays the rent.” —An author read his play to a select audience. lie noticed that one of the critics had gone to sleep. The author woke him and asked how any man could !? lve his . opinion of a play if he slept through it. “Sleep is ail opinion,” said tile critic. r red was being sent to a boardingschool. "Now,” said his father, “when

you write do not send me "pages and pemes describing all the pupils, where they come from, and what class they arc in, because £ really shall not have time to read it all ” A few weeks later his father received the fo,lowing letter : ‘Dear Father —S 0 S £,s.d.. K.S.V.P.- Fred.” " ” 1 —Mrs Mumps: “My husband’s brutality is so insidious. Ho keeps telling me how nicely Mrs Crump dresses, and von know slie cloesn t spend twenty Hounds a year on her clothes.” Mrs Chumps: “And I suppose he expects you to spend no more?’’ li.at x it: blit. I told him I’d economise by taking six inches off my skirt, and the barejdea made him give me ten pounds.” i wo golfers sliced their drives into the rough and went in search of their respective halls. They searched for a loim time without success, a dear old lady watchjng liuun with kindly and sympathetic ores At last, after the search had proceeded for halt anil hour, she spoke to them "[ hope 1 in not interrupting, gentlemen ” she s. sweetly, “but would it be cheating it I Told you vvhcie they are? ’ —“The wretch,” cried the girl, “kissed nie. Surely, ’ they exclaimed, exchan"ing glances of alarm, “you must be mistaken. Sue shivered affrightedlv. “No ” she said, "J cannot Le mistaken Tlie microscope revealed the characterise microbes. ime had had her doubts in t. beginning, but a bacteriological examination bad proved beyond the possibility : of argument that she had been kissed ; dham,” said Mrs Peokem, sternly ’■ ■did you ever stop to think that someone nmd.t tf .eal me while you were away"” . V ' responded the poor husband, with I d far-away look I was a little alarmed when a horse thief was. nmmlii.,, , n i.

W ;on a horse thief was, prowling though theiso parts last week at,- . up ha,ij^lilily. “A horse Glfio" eh. Ves, f heard that iie carried off two or three nags from the district ” \ n ; then .Vcken, made a bee line for the club. A bookmaker took a friend to Easrbonrno f„ r il,n; .wek-aml. ami they spent thrnr holiday fuming. ]„ order to add spice to the sport, they arranged that each should pay the other one pound for evcrV f" ' ot lor “‘-light. At the end of the da.v they compared notes. The ~,,,1 maker had eaugt five soles, and was j, aid me pounds. H.s friend bad ennufij a plaice, and demanded one pound. ~ r?iir th F shook lii.s head. “Why no, a-ked Ins friend. “My dear fellow “ i|, e lonkmaker pointed out, “it’s only five shillings for a, place !” A .mathematical tutor at one of the universities _ was m the habit of boaniim t.iar ,m neither knew nor cared to know anything about poets or -poetry and ~,n sidored it all “a lot of unpractical mid’ .\ brother tutor, anxious to convert him cave him the famous "Charge of (he I i hit Brigade” to read. The mathematician look it up and began to read aloud thus- “ Half a league, half a league, half a league Then he banged the book down, exclaiming impatiently: “Well if the fool meant a league and a half why on earth didn’t he say so?”