FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3522, 13 September 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Wife: “'Really, John, what do men know about women’s clothes?” Husband (bitterly): '“The price.” -Mrs Mould (the amateur gardener): “'Oh, Horatio, do come and look ! This darling little rose-bush has cut its first bud !" Thomson: ‘“What’s the best speech you’re heard on the industrial situation?” Hudson : “'More work and less talk. Enough said.” liilly. “Shall I have to give up my club when we are married, love?” Lulu: ‘‘Oh, I’ll have a little club at home lor you, dear.” He: “I suppose it would be improper for me to kiss you on such a short acquaintance.” She: “Yes, but it’s quite early in the evening yet.” ‘‘Been outer work long, Bill?” ‘Weeks an’ weeks?” “ ’ArJ luck!” “ ’Tis ’ard iuck, when a bloke is willing to strike and e can’t get a job.” Hewitt: “Our servant lighted the fire with petrol the other morning.” Jewett: “Did you discharge her?” Jtievvitt: “W’e haven't found her yet.” Robber: “Come, shell out.” Rural Minister (sadly): “If I had such energetic fellows as you to pass the plate round, I might have something to give you.” Fanny: “Why do people always apply the name of ‘she’ to a city?” George: “I don’t know. Why is it?” Fanny: “Because every city has outskirts.” * —Mother: “Elsie, you must not slam your doll down in her cradle like that. U is just as easy to lay her down quietly.” Elsie: ‘lt isn’t- when you’re mad.” Rodger (to new acquaintance): “I won dor if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?” Cooler: “I can easily find out by asking her —she is my wife.” Mother: Clara, I can't tell you how shocked 1 was to see you kiss taut- scamp Jack Manley.” Daughter: “Why, mamma, you told me to set my face against him.” Miss Brown (to Jones, who has claimed the first dance): “You’re quite an early bird, Mr Jones!” Jones (making an attempt to be gallant): “Ah! By Jove, yes! And I’ve caught the worm, too!” —Mr Biggleswade: “My dear, how on earth did you ever choose such an awkward, slattenly, ignorant creature as that servant girl?” Mrs Biggleswade: “My love, I didn’t choose her. She chose me.” —“I want to know if you will be my wife?” “What’s your salary?” “Five pounds a week.” “Five pounds! Why. that wouldn’t keep me in handkerchiefs!” “Oh, very well—l'll wait till your cold’s better.” Old Gent (to beggar to whom he has given a penny) : “Now, my man, what shall you do with that coin?” “Well, I hardly know, guv’nor, whether to purchase an annuity or invest in railway stock. Which clo y -u ;: !v sc-V _ —John: “Are you dining anywhere on Thursday?” Dandy (anticipating a cheap dinner): “Thursday ! Let me see. Monday, Tuesday, Wed —no, I’m not dining anywhere on Thursday.” John.: “Won’t you be hungry on Friday, old boy !” Harold: “Why doesn't Great Britain give more practical attention to dyestuffs?” Clarice: “Perhaps we don’t feel the practi cal need of them. \\ ith a good permanent red. white, and blue there’s no special occasion, to worry about finicky variations.” Lisitor: “Your little boy asks you a large number of questions, 1 suppose?” M.P. : “He does, but it’s a relief to go home and listen to him. He always believes I am giving him the correct answers, which is more than I can say for my constituents.” “Suppose, Bobbie, that another boy should strike your right cheek,” asked the teacher, “what woidd you do?” “Give him the other cheek to strike,” said Bobbie. "That’s light,” said the teacher. “Yessum,” said Bobbie, “and if he struck lhat I'd paralyse him.” . Tho Mean Man: “I’m sorry, a previous engagement will present my "attending your charity concert, but T shall be with you in spirit!” Keen Helper: “Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to su? I have tickets for half a crown, one shilling, and niaepence!” Miss Rag: “Oh, we used to be very well off. I've known the time when we had as much as a quarter of a ten of coal in our cellar.” Mrs Higgis: “Well, wo had quite as much, only lny husband would take the big lumps round the corner and pawn them. So I managed with an oilstove !” Dolly, who was the youngest member of a very hard-up family, was informed by her father that she had a new baby sister. “Isn’t that nice?” he asked. But the child had already learned‘hard lessons of domestic economy, and she answered severely: “Well daddy, I s’pose it's all l ight, but' it seems to nm there’s a lot of things we need more.” A couple who did not move in the most exalted social circles were married on the day following the funeral of the first wife of tho groom. The neighbours, shocked at this haste, serenaded the pair. The carnival was o i:s height when the bride appeared at the window. “Ain’t you ashamed.” she body cried, “to come Imre making a disturbance when we had a funeral only yesterday?” The husband of one of his parishioners having died, the minister called to see how the widow was bearing up under her sorrow. His sympathy touched her greatly. The clergyman asked if it had been neces saw to hold a post-mortem examination. “Oh, ves.” replied the widow, “but, move’s the pity, they didn’t bold it until my dear husband was dead, otherwise he might he with mo now.” And she dissolved into tears. "Rat." mid the priest, “ye’re drunk. Now, if ye ever get like (his again I’ll turn ye into a rat. I may not see ye. but I’ll know about it. Ye mind that!” Dome time after Pat wont home and stumbled into the kitchen, where 1 1 is wife was feeding the cat. “Biddy,” he said, “watch me. When ve see me gettin’ little, and the hair growin’ out on me, and me whiskers gettin’ long, for the love of Mike, keep ver eye on the cat.” Even the works of Ratana are not immune from the activities of the humourist. Two friends, one of whom was blind and the other dumb, decided to go to Ratana and see if he could cure their afflictions. With some difficulty they secured an interview, and Ratana, after expressing the necessity of faith, directed the blind man to go to a certain carpenter’s shop and the dumb man to a wheelwright’s. This they accordingly did. The blind man walked in, picked up a hammer and saw, and the dumb man grasped a vtheel and spoke.’’