FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3415, 29 August 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

A man will pay a fancy price for anything lie fancies, but he never fancies the price of anything his wife fancies. Teacher: "Willie, do you love your enemies?" Willie: "Yes, miss, when I meet 'em ail at once." Brown: "Back 'to tc*.m I thougnt you were a farmer." Green: "I m.icle the same mistake." Some pretty women may be unconscious of their beauty, but the majority are not oven momentarily forgetful. Woman has been a riddle to man for thousands of years. But "she is the one riddle that he always refuses tc give up. "Man is a tyrant!" declared Mrs Fiubdub. Isn't he, John " "Really, my dear, I hardly " "Is he, or is he not?" "Ho is." Magistrate: "The witness says that you and your wife had some words." Prisoner: "I had some, but didn't get a chance to use them." "You came from a teetotal town, didn't you?" "Teetotal? Why, where I was born they won't even allow the carpenters to use spirit levels." Baxter: "I can't believe more than half Bliggins tells me." Haxter: "lie's improving. Half is a pretty good average for Bliggins." _ —Daughter: "Percy kissed me last night." Mother (indignantly): "That is outrageous! Did you sit on him for it?" Daughter (demurely): 'T did." Uncle: ' T see you do not carry a toolchest on your motor-car, Mabel. What do you do in the case of trouble?" Mabel: "Oh, 1 always have hairpins!" She: "Billy was getting on so nicely, but now there are complications." He: ."That's bad." She: "Yes. His wifo caught him flirting with his nurse." Gaiboy:' "Why did you leave your last place?" Comely Applicant: '*! was caught kissing my employer, sir." Gaiboy: "Er — um—you can start to-morrow morning." Dorothy: "Auntie, I'm studying now about the least common multiple." Aunt Miranda: "That's right, my child. Alwaja go in for whatever is least common." Patient: "I'm troubled with a buzzing noise in my ears all the time." Doctor: "Have you any idea as to the cause of it?" Patient: "Yes; my wife wants a motor car."

"Oh, John!" exclaimed the young mother, happily; "the baby can walk r "Good for him!" returned the cruel father. "Then he can walk the floor with himself at night." First Critic: "I understand you saw Scribbler's new play last night. Who was the hero?"

Second Critic: "I was. I sat through the whole thing." Everybody expected Mr Hohenzollern, the former Emperor of Germany, and King of Prussia, would go to a place with " 11" in it. But they didn't think it would be Holland.

Father (home from, business): "I hope you have been a good boy to-day, Jack?" Jack: "Well, I'm afraid I haven't, daddy." "Indeed! I hope you haven't been very bad?" "No-o! Just comfortable!" Mabel: "I thought Mrs Peters unusually interesting this evening." Clarice: "Why, she talked of nothing but her children and the servants." Mabel: "I know that. But usually she talks only about herself." A stonemason was in the witness-box, describing the way in which he had been assaulted by the defendant. "He walked right into my yard and slammed me up against one of my tombstones," the witness said. "Did he hurt you?" inquired the Court. "Hurt me!" roared the witness. "Why, I've got 'Sacred to the memory of stamped all down my back 1" —1 he manager of a factorv recently engaged a. new man and told the foreman *o instruct him in his duties. A few days afterwards the manager inquired whether the new man was progressing, with his" work. The foreman, who had not agreed very well with the man in question, exolaimed angrily: "Progressing! There's been a lot of progress. I have taught him everything I know, and he is still an igno rant fool."

A well-known comedian was sitting in his drawing room when his servant entered and said: "If you please, sir, there's a man at the front door, and he wants to know if you could give him a pass for his wife and six children to see the performance, as he's out of work." "Who is the man?" "Don't know, sir." "He must be a madman," exclaimed the comedian. "Has he got his faculties about him?" "I—l—l—think so, sir," stammered the maid. "He's got something tied up in a red handkerchief." —ln a crowded omnibus a stout woman vainly endeavoured to get her faro out of the pocket of her cloak, which was tightly buttoned as a precaution against pickpockets. After she had been working in vain for some minutes, a gentleman seated on her right said, "Please allow me to pay your fare." The lady declined with some acerbity, and recommenced her attacks on the pooket. After these had continued for some little time her fellow-passenger said: "You really must let me pay your fare You have already undone my braces three times, and I cannot stand it any longer."