FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3414, 20 August 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Landlady: "What part of the chicken do you prefer?" Boarder: "A little of the - moat, please." Lawyer; " Did the defendant go home in the interim?" Witness: "No, sir. He went homo in a taxi." Fletcher: ".Do you treat your cook as one of, the family?" Andrewes: "Good gracious, no. I wouldn't dare!" ing." "There are worse things than that. ,Mme left me without any spoons." Wilson: "What did that pretty shopgirl say when you stole a kiss?" Johnson: "She said, 'Will that be all to-day?'*' _ Green: "I saw a play the other night with only twd actors in it." White: "That's nothing! I have seen plays without any .actors at all in them!" : - . > John: "I heard you congratulating Mr Scribbler on his short stories. What on earth do you find to admire about, them?" Bill: "Their shortness." -. "Do you suppose that these kinema »Ctors really gst the enormous salaries they iro supposed to draw?" "Not all of them. Borne of them ar© married, you see." Mrs Houlihan: " Phwat a fool Oi was! Oi never saw yez -till the day before me uriforchnit marriage." Houlihan:" "Faith, Oi wish ye hadn't seen me till the day after." '•' My wife has never once answered mo back or wanted-her own way." "How on earth did you manage to get a wife like that?" "Easily done. I never married 1" "Thanks for the five pounds, old chap, but what is* this little grey book you've given me?" " I always give that with a loan —it tells you how to strengthen the memory." —" His attentions to you have been marked, hava they not?" said the young woman's experienced friend. " Oh, yes. Ho has never taken the price tag off any of his presents." First Landlady: "I manage to keep my boarders longer than you do." Second Landlady: " Oh, I don't know! You keep them so thin that they look longer than they really are!" / —" Would you marry a man for his money?" "No," replisd Miss Cayenne. " A man with money just now is likely to have his disposition spoiled by worry over the income tax." - '—-" I say, old man, was Smithson in the .club at lunch-time to-day?" "Yes." "Was Robinson with him?" ,"He was/' "Awfully sorry to bother you, but was I by any chanoe with them?" The sensitiveness women feel about mentioning their age is not at all modern. A great many women are mentioned in the Old Testament, but there is but one —Sarah, Abraham's vyife —whose age is on record. ,—Two miners went on a fishing expedition. But they were novices at the game. "Hoo are ye gettin' on, Jock?" asked on©. "Och, simply rotten!" was the reply. "I don't believe my bloomin' worm's trying?" "And why have you never married?" asked Miss Single. "Are you a womanhater?" "Oh, my, no!" replied Mr-Slip. 'You see, I hated to make about a thousand girls unhappy just to make one of them happy." •' -r-" Ethel!" the sweet girl's father called gently from upstairs. "Yes, father! What is it?" she answered, through the midnight stillness. "Just tell your young man to be careful and not trip over tho morning milk when he sroes!" —" Ever been on Government work before?" the manager asked the job-seeker. "Very nearly, sir," was the reply. "What do you mean by very nearly T' "Well, you see. sir, trjere wasn't quite .enough evidence to convict me." " '.-»'*• —"I thought you said, you knew something about cooking," said the mistress. "I did say so," admitted Mary Jane. "Well, how do you make hash?" "You don't make it. It simply accumulates." Lady: "Why don't you go to work? Don't you know that<,a rolling stone gathers no moss?" Tramp: "Madam, not to evade your question at all; but merely to obtain information, _ may I ask what practical utility moss is to a man in my condition?" "Experts tell us that, roughly speaking, one marriage in three results in divorce," began the chap with the fund of useless irritation. "Yes," the other one chimed in, "and it's th© roughly speaking part that causes most of the trouble." The teacher was trying to explain-the dangers of overwork to one of th© smallei pupils "Now, Tommy," she oursued, "if your father were busy all day and said he would have' to go back to th© office at night, what would he be doing?" "That'.- • what ma would want to know!" ■—A London bus conductor called out as he was carrying several troopers from Australia, " Hyde Park corner. Who wants Hyde Park?" He was interrupted by the ... quiet voice of an Australian soldier .•What's tho price?" inquired the Anzac "I'll 'avo it off you if it's soin<* cheap!" She was struggling with English; he. ■y&Q Irish sergeant, with French. He had .'-just rendered her a slight favour. " Mercy. : bow coop," it sounded like to him. "Sure," •he retorted, courteously, "an' yp didn't havo to say coop to me, mademezell. I know ■ ywuzz chicken the minute I laid me eyes on ye." Mistress: "Have you made all arrangements for your niatrriage, Bridget?" Bridget: "Well, not quite, mum. I've got to buy a troso, an' rent a house, an' get my husband a job, an' buy him a good suit o' clothes, an' get some reg'lar washin' work to do. An' when that's done I name the hapny day." A Scottish minister had boon away on a vacation, and on his return asked tha sexton how all had gone in his absence. "Very well, indeed," was the cheering response "They do say that maist meenisters leave someone worse than themselves to fill the pulpit when they go away, but .you never do that, sir." Clergyman, (intent on administering a gentle reproof to bridcre playing parishioner): "I am afraid much valuable tinrw is wasted on playing enrds." Brideplaying Parishioner: "I quite agrco with you. The time taken by some Dlavers in shuffling, dealing, or deciding what card to play is simply exasperating."