FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3384, 22 January 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Publicity is an alarm clock that frequently ewaKens a man s conscience. —'■ 1 want a. good motto lor my book Mi sea travels." " Why not try 'Sic transit.' " —lt is easy to take a well-balanced view of life it your bank account happens to bothat way. —He (soulfully): "There are a thousand stars to night looking down upon you. ' She: '• Is my hat on straight?" Fussy Subaltern: "Why didn t you salute as I passed?" Old Contemptible: "Sorry, sir, 1 didn't not:ce you till you squeaked!" „ . . . _.„ Diner: '' What do you call this stutt: Waiter: " Mock turtle soup, sir." Diner: " Well, tell the chef he has carried the mockery too far." ' ' . Sarah: " She says she s going to travel hundieds of miles on her honeymoon." Jane: "That's easy for 'er; 'er chap runs a merry-go-round." Judge: '"What's your occupation?" Vagrant: "Oh, nothin" much, ycr Honor; jest c rculcting 'round." . T udge: " Retired from circulation for thirty days." Mrs Green: "My 'usband is a real dear; 'e's a fretworker." Mrs Grey: ' Ow nice!" Mrs Green: "Yes, 'e goes to work on Morday, an' frets about it the rest o' the week.'

' again; there's a rude girl there, don't you know." " What did she say?" "Why, she looked at my moustache, and asked me it I would have it sponged off or rubbed in."

Wilks: "How do you like army life: Quite a number of new turns for a fellow to get used to, I suppose." Johnson: " You're right. .At night you turn in, and iust as you are about to turn over somebody turns up and says, ' Turn out.'" , Sub-editor: "Why do you persist in coming bexe? I tell you we don't buy fiction." Author: "Oh, I don't wish to sell any of my stories. lam writing a short serial, entitled 'The Ugliest Man on Earth,' and came in merely to obtain local colour." * —lt was three a.m. when he slipped indoors, and his wife was not asleep. '•' You know, dear, that Brown is getting married. Well, there has been a presentation at the olub and the usual lark " he began. ",Yes," she hissed, "not to mention the swallow."

The sweet young thing was asking questions. "What are those ships?" she inquired. " Them's men-of-war." replied the old salt. "Oh! and what are the little ones just in front?" " Them'fT-just tugs." 'Oh, yes, of course; tugs-of-war. I've heard of them."

• —Jack: "I've a bill for a frock that you bought somo months ago. Which one was that?" Doris: " That was the one I wore the night you proposed." Jack: "H'm! Pretty strong when a man has to pay for the bait and hook that helped to catch him 1"

_ —" THey say old Bucks died of consumption," said Mi-i Flynn to a neighbour. "Oh 1 Nevei knew they had consumption in the family." "That doesn't matter," said Mrs Flynn. "My sister's 'usband died of gastric fever, and there was no gas in the house—they always used paraffin 1" —" And the name is to be?" asked the minister as he approached the baptismal font with the baby in his arms. "John Jellicoe Douglas Haig Lloyd George Bonar Law Smhvhers.'' " Dear me!" said the minister, turning to the sexton. " A little more water, Mr Jones, if you please!" Jim (timidly):. "Molly, did ye ev.er think of marryin'?" Molly (demurely): " Sure now, the subject has niver entered me thoughts." Jim (about to turn away) : "It's sorry I am." Molly (softly): "Wan - minit. Jim. Ye've set me a-thinkin.'" —' Any of you got a very old uniform?" asked the sergeant. A private, scenting a , new, one, proudly displayed his frayed edges and stains. "It isn't fit for much, is it?" commented the sergeant. "Parade at twothirty for a coal fatigue." Little Freddy had just been put in a khaki suit with long trousers. " Mamma," ho asked, "am I a man now like papa?" " I suppose so," she replied. " Well, then," ho continued, ' I guess I'll take sixpence out of my bank and go down to the barber shop and get shaved. —" Speaking of bad falls," remarked Jones, " I fell out of a window once, and the sensation was simply awful. ' I really think that I thought of every mean act I had over committed." "Humph!" growled Thompson. "You must have fallen an awful distance."

"What's his chief characteristic?'* asked the policeman of the old lady, who was toying-to describe the 'man who had robbed har. " A large Roman nose," said the lady. " Oh,' replied the constable. "Then it's no use trying to look for him. A nose like that never lurns up." —r " Where did you find the prisoner, constable?" asked the magistrate. "In Trafalgar square, sir," was the reply. " And what made you think he was intoxicated?" " Well, sir. he was throwing his walkingstick into the basin of the fountain and try ing to entice ono of the stone lions to go and fetch it out again." The kinema director was havingtrouble in getting one of the scenes right. The girl was supposed to resist an attempt to kiss her, but the rehearsal was far from satisfactory. "Think now," said the director, coaching her, " haven't you ever tried to stop a young man from kissing you?" "No," was the girl's frank reply. Phrenologist: "This largo bump running across the- back of your head shows that you are inclined to be curious to the point of recklessness." Client: "You are right. I got that by sticking my head into a liftshaft to see if the lift was coming tip. and it was coming down. My curiosity was more than satisfied."

"What is your opinion of this new cure? Do you think walking through the grass will make a person healthy?" asked boarding-house lady at the table. " Well, it seems to have made this beef pretty tough," replied the boarder, trying hard to cut his steak.