FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3332, 23 January 1918, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

"There is but one good wife in this town !" said a clergyman in the course of his sermon —the congregation looked expectant—"and every married man thinks he's got her," added the minister. Nodd: "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home" to dinner with you?" Todd: '-Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with her about it this morning for nearly half an hour." Landlord: "Here, now, you ncedn t be afraid you will oversleep. And if the alarm clock should by any chance fail to awaken you, just give the little hammer a poke with your linger, then she'll go Mary: "That top-floor boarder moved to-day." Jane: "I didn't see any luggage go out." Mary: "There was none. - I think ho placed his effects in an. envelope and posted 'em to the new address." "Charley, dear," remarked a young wifa to her husband, "I wish you would tasto 'this milk and see if it's perfectly sweet. If it's the least bit sour I mustn t give any of it to dear little Fido! ' "Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?" asked iho little one. "Why, no, of course not, dearie." A deeper shade fell athwart dearie's face as he raised his face to her. "Then, muvvcr, I've swallowed a caterpillar !" The Young Man: "I have known for a long time past that you oared for me. ' The Ladv: "Really? How is that?" lhe Young Man 1 : "From the fact that your people put themselves out of their way to snub me." Mrs Crawford: "Haven't you ever discovered a way to' get money out of your husband?" Mrs Crabshaw: "Oh, yes All I have to do is to threaten to go home to mother, and without a word he hands over the railway fare." "Father," said an inquiring youth, "when a hen sits on an egg for three weeks and it don't hatch, is the egg spoiled?" "As an article of diet, my son, it is henceforth a failure, but for political purposes it ha* its uses." —An old chap applied to an artist for the po3t of model. "Well," said the artist, "what do you sit for?" "Oh, anything, sir," said the model, fingering his beard nervously. ''Anything you like, sir; landscape, if necessary." Mother (in the railway carriage) : "Now, sit still, Johnny, or you'll have to be punished when we get home." Young Hopeful : "Mamma, if you punish me I shall tell the guard my real age, then you will have to nay full fare." "You are willing," said Mrs Williams, '"to lay out pounds and _ pounds every month on cigars and whisky, but you grumble like a bear when I speak about a new frock." "Well," snarled Williams, "can I smoke or drink a frock?" Small Boy: "Ma says they've got a new baby girl at Mr Jones, the grocer's." Small Girl: "My! What a sell. Will they have to keep it?" "Of course, silly. Why?" " 'Cause there's a card in the shop window with 'Boy wanted' on it." —"I remember your wife as-such a dainty and prettv girl, Tumly, and yet they tell mo she has 'turned out a fine cook." "Turned out a fine 'cook!" exclaimed Tumly. "She has turned out half a dozen of them within the three months!" —Mrs Jones: "How do you manage to persuade your husband to buy you euch expensive hats?" Mrs Robinson: "I take him shopping with me, walk him about till he can hardly stand, and then take him to a hat shop. He'll buy anything to get home.". —'Bessie had a new dime to invest in ice-oream soda. "Why don't you give your dime to missions?" said the minister, who was calling. "I thought about that," said Bessie; "but I think I'll buy the icecream and let the druggist give it to the missions."

Friend of the Family (after hearing of the engagement): "So you're losing another daughter, Mr Weloff?" Mr Weloff: ''■■.Yell, I'm not sure. I don't know how Jt will turn out, but it rather strikes me, from what I hear about the young man. tkat I'm taking on another son." —A gentleman was disturbed in his rest in the middle of the night by someone knocking on the etreet door. "Who's there?" he asked. "A friend," was the answer. "What do you want?" "I want to stay here all night." "All right; stay there by all means," was the benevolent reply. —"I understand that most of the people in this region are intense** religious," interrogated the tourist from the north. "You betcha!" replied Mr Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark. "The big end of the shootings that take place yur are over the meanings of different p'ints in tho Scripters." Theophilus Jackson, who had just been acquitted of tho theft of a watch, was most grateful to his young attorney. "From do bottom of mah heart, I thanks yo'." ho said. "I ain't sot a cent to pay yo', but heah'e cle watch-. Take it, suh; it's <le best I kin do lo\ do present, an' I might have another job fo' yo' soon." A well-known doctor who dabbler/ in literature recently published a poem Shortly after its appearance he was conversing with a lady celebrated for her wit. "Well, doctor," she remarked, "so I bear you have taken to writing verse." "Oh, merely to kill time." "Indeed! Have you disposed of- all your other patients?" Life Is an Eternal Question Mark.— "I should think it would be a great relief at night to get home, and away from this ocaseless asking of questions," said the stranger. The man in charge of the bureau of information emiled a wan smile "It isn't much relief," he replied. "You 3ee I am the father of nine children." A man of benevolent turn of mind ensountered a small boy in his neighbourhood who gave evidence of having emerged but lately from a sovero battle. "I am sorry," said the man, "to see that you have a black eye, Sammy." "Whereupon Sammy retorted, "You go home and be sorry for your own little boy; he's got two "

—An Irishman was being medically examined for tho army, and the doctor was doubtful as to whether ho had previously" served in the army. Seeing- some tatooing on Pat's arm. ho remarked, "How is it that your name is Murphy and you have Sullivan tatooed on your arm?" "Whjst." said Pat; "sure* I've been married twice."' Doctor. I don't seem to bo getting any better for all your medicine." groaned the patient. "Wall," replied tho doctor jocosely, "perhaps you had better 'take Shakespeare s advice, and 'throw physic to tho dogs.'" "I would, doctor," replied rlic eick man, as he turned his head on the pillow, "I would, but there are some valuable dogs in this neighbourhood."

"Father," said tho young man, who had been feeding at the parental trough for i number of years, I have made up my mind to paddle' my own canoe hereafter " "I'm certainly delighted to hear it, my eon," replied the old man. "And, futheiV continued the young man, "I want to betjiu at once, so kindly let me have £lO to buy a canoe and paddle with." Tho parson, with tightly-closed lips and steely eyes, wrestled with his collarstud, while perspiration bubbled from every pore "Bless the collar!" he muttered. "Bless the blessed collar!" His wif-o thought it time to change the subject. "What is- your text for this morning's service, dear?" she asked. "The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, but war was in his heart," replied the parson. The city man decided to engage a girl as "office boy." The first applicant for the job was a fair, frizzy-haired young thing with a lace blouse and as much jewellery as you can get for a shilling at a penny bazaar. The city man eyed her suspiciously. "I —er—hope you were carefully brought up?" said the city man gruffly. "Oh, yes, thank you, sir," replied tho damsel; "I came up in the lift."