FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3331, 16 January 1918, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

Poet (rejected and dejected) r "I'll be thought better of when 1 am dead and gone.'' Editor: "That's so; you won't be 'writing any moro then." Howell: "Half the world does not know how the other half lives." Powell* " I think you over-estimate the number of people who mind their own business." Prospective Lodger: "That bed is rather short, don't you think?" Landlady: "Well, the people who take the ton back attic are rather short, too, as a rule !" •

When he dismissed her she had the audacity to ask for a recommendation. He wrote: " This young woman has been -inrriv employ for a week, and I am satisfied."*'

"My dear lady, you are in perfect health. 1 can't find a thing the matter with you." " I wish you'd try ,again, doctor. I do so"" want to go away to recuperate !" Bridegroom: "Whit's the matter, "my dear?" Bride: "Oh, I'm trying 'to tell that Mrs Miser person how perfectly beautiful we • think her horrid ' old wedding present is." . —"What have automobiles got to do with life insurance?" "If you own a car," replied the solicitor, " the premium is less, for there isn't the danger of being run over by one." Gossipy Wife: "When my husband married pia he s.aid he would lay down his life for me." Second G.W.: "So did mine; but now I can't even get him to lay down the stair carpet." - —Lady: "I'm worried about my. complexion, doctor. Look at my face." Doctor:- "You'll have to diet." Lady: "I never thought of that. What colour would suit mo best, do you think?" | The seven-year-old son had been playing with a companion from next door, who saw him to bed. " Don't you say your prayers?" said this elder boy. The other replied: "No, my daddy's home now!" "Do you have matins in this church?" asked the High Church visitor of the verger of the village church. " Mattin's — no, indeed," replied the dignitary, with scorn; "we has oilcloth, and right up the chancel, too I" ! Mother: " Oh, Erio ! I thought you were going to economise to help the poor Belgians, and here I find you with both jam and butter on your broad." < Eric: " Why, of course, mother! One piece of bread does for both!" Mrs Mover (viewing a house for sale): "Oh, how beautiful! Oh, how lovely! How exquisite! The magnificent surroundings make me absolutly speechless." Her Husband: "Then whatever the cost may 'be, I'll buy the house." # ■ t She was much interested in prison

reform, and was visiting a large prison one day. " Don't any of your friends 'oome to see you on visiting days?" ( she asked of a big, . burly ruffian. "Norn, responded the ex-burglar ; " they're all hero with jne." . the sick man. The doctor hesitated. "Can you stand it?" he asked gently. ( "Yes, yes!" exclaimed the sick man. "Tell me. the worst." "Well, 'if you insist," said •the doctor in a hushed voice, " your bill will be E97d01." - Officer (as company is temporarily about to vacate trench which has been reported mined): "You two will remain here, and if there is an explosion you will <blow a whistle. You understand?" Private Casey: "Yes, sorr-,! Will we blow it going up .or coming, down, sorr?" A very stout man stood gazing longingly at the nice things displayed in a haberdasher's window for a marked-down sale. A friend stopped to inquire if ho was thinking of buying shirts or pyjamas. " Alas, no !" replied the fat man wistfully. " The only thing that fits mo ready-made is a handkerchief.", Lady: " What will you charge me for the use. of a horse and buggy for a few hours?" Liveryman: "It will cost you 2dol for the first hour and Idol for each additional hour." Lady: " Well, • I'll use it for two additional hours. I've got some shopping to do, and will not require it for the first hour." —" Hey," yelled the keeper, appearing suddehlv above the young fisherman, "you are fishing for trout! Don't you know they ain't in season?" "Yes," replied the youth. "But when it's the season loi trout, they ain't around; and when it ain't the egason, there's lots of 'em. If the fifh ain't a-going to obey the rules, I ain't, neither."

A food faddist harangued a mob on the marvellous benefits to be obtained from a vegetarian diet. " Friends," he cried, "two years ago I was a walking skeleton—a haggard, miserable wreck! What do you suppose brought this change in me?''' He paused to see the effect of his , words. Then one of his listeners asked, " What change?" The policeman rushed into the editorial sanctum. " What do you mean?" he t roared. " What do you mean by insulting me as you did in last night's 'Clamour'?" , "Just a moment," replied the editor. "Didn't the story appear as you gave it to us—namely/ that you had resigned as city treasurer?" "It did. But vou put it under 'Public Improvements.'' 1 Calling on, a North British village grocer at the 'end of the year, a commercial traveller with an eye to business offered him a- box of cigars. " Nay, I never tak' presents," wae the reply. ''But « it's only a small gift, you- know; if you don't care to take it as a present, give : me a nominal sum —say a shilling." "Verra weel." said the Scot, producing a florin, "I'll tak' twa boxes."* The East End doctor was attending an , Injured woman who had come to his surgery with her arm severely bitten. He dressed tho wound, and as he did so ho remarked: "I cannot quite make out what sort of animal bit you. The wound is too small for a horse's bite and too big for a dog's." "Oh, it wasn't an animal!" ' exclaimed the patient; "it was another lady." A tramp leaned atrains't the door-jamb, while Miss Sabina Mettleton peered out ' at him through the open window, and he ] gazed past her at the kitchen table. "You look strong," said Miss Sabina. "Are you ' equal to the task of chopping up half a load of wood?" "Equal to it, madam?" said the tramp. " The word is inadequate. I I am superior to it!" and he strolled away i in the sunshine. i

—" If you're going my way, doctor, you might take a look nt my wifo," said Mr Hangaboufc. "Oh, is she ill? What are her symptoms?" asked tho doctor. " She's queer," said Hangaboufc. " When ehe's milked the cows, fed tho pigs, got breakfast for the men and washed up,

lit the wash house fire, and done a few little jobs, she compla'ina of feeling tired. I shouldn't wonder if her blood was poor. A dose of medicine would put her right!"