FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3274, 13 December 1916, Page 50

FUN AND FANCY.

Rowley: "I was just reading about a man-seventy yeara old who has been sent to prison' for the fifth time for burglary. Cowley : " Yes, old ago steals on."

Wife: "In a battle- of tongues a woman can hold her own." Husband: " M—yes, p'raps she can; but she never does. Young Man: "Why do you advise Miss Smith to go abroad to study music? You know she has no talent." Old Man: *' I live next door to Miss Smith." Sitter (angrily): "This portrait doesn't resemblo me at all!" Artist (coldly): " Pardon me, madam, but I once painted a portrait of a lady that resembled her." Patient: "Shall I have to give up beer, doctor?" Doctor: "No, I shan't forbid it to you." Patient: "It's extraordinary, doctor, what confidenco I have^ in you." He: "I wonder when you'll learn to make a cako like mother used to make?" She: "Probably by the time you learn to make a salary like father used to make.". Sportsman (wishing for fresh fields to conqueji) : " I should like to try my hand at big game." Fair Ignoramus: _ " Yes, I suppose you find it very hard to hit these tittle birds."

Miss Homeloigh: "Perhaps you won't believe it, but a strange man tried to kiss ine once." Miss Cutting: "Really! Well, he'd have been a strange man if he'd tried to kiss vou twice." Wife: "There is absolutely no esprit de corps in the kitchen." Husband (rich but ignorant): " Well, order some, _my dear. It is not a man's business to look after the supplies." —" Oh. Mrs Miggs, do you realise the danger of snnding one so young for beer?" " Lar' bless 'ec, sir. There ain't no danger. He's wunnerful careful; I've never known 'im upset a drop." Penelope: " Did the play have a happy ending?" Percival: " How should I know?"' Penelope: "You saw it, didn't you?" Percival: "Yes; but the hero and the heroine married each other." Old Gent: " Bring me some oysters, not too large, not too small—not too salty, and quite fresh, and I want them quick." Waiter: "Yes, sir. Will you have them with pearls inside, sir?" —" Tommy Ticker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to keep just as far away from him as you possibly can." "I do, ma. He stays at the head of the class most all the time."

Wife: " You arc very fussy about your food. Henry, my poor, dear first husband, used to eat uncomplainingly everything I cooked for him.'*' Sick Husband: "Yes, and look where he is now." Patient: "Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up—something to put me in fighting trim. Did you put anything iike that in this prescription?" Doctor: 'No. You will find that in the bill." Husband: "You charge mc with reckless extravagance. When did I ever make a useless purchase?" Wife: "Why, there's that fire-extinguisher you bought a year ago; we've never used it once." —M. : "Once when I was a youngster I got into old Brown's orchard and stole a quarter of a bushel of green apples." N.: "Well, what happened> then?" M.: ■" I got into a peck of trouble." , —" Your father was pretty rich when he died, wasn't he?" asked the young man in search of an heiress. "Oh, yes!" rcfjlied the worldly-wise maiden. "Did he eave your mother much?" "About twice a week." —" You don't stir from this hotel until you've paid your bill," said the manager firmly. " That suits me right down to the ground," replied the delinquent guest. "'l've always wanted to have a permanent home."

She: "When I don't want a man's attentions, and he asks me where I live, I simply say in the suburbs." Ho: " Ha, ha! Excellent! But where do you really live, Miss Brown?" She: "In the suburbs, Mr Short."

Village Landlady: "If some of your friends in the city are looking for_ country apartments, I hope you'll mention my name:" Departing Guest: "I will; but I can't recall anyone that I have a grudge against just now." The ever-burning question, "What shall ■we do with our boys?" secms < to be satisfactorily answered in the following advertisement, which appeared in the window of a butcher's shop: " Wanted, a respectable boy for beef sausages." —" Edward," said his mother, " I want you to stop taking the baby's toys away from him. It isn't a bit nice of you to tease your little brother." "I'm not teas ing him. mother; I'm just trying to teach him to keep his temper." Caller: "So your son Willie has started work as an office boy. How is he getting on?" Fond Mother: "Splendidly! Ho already knows who ought to bo discharged, and is merely waiting to get promoted so that ho can attend to it." Bridget: "The new neighbours want to cut their grass, mum, and they sent over to ask the loan of your lawn mower." Mistress: "Lend thorn our lawn mower to cut grass on the Sabbath ! Certainly not! Tell them. Bridget, that wo haven't one." —"I tell you, a farm is the only place to bring up a boy. I was brought up on a farm myself." " But you left it the veryfirst chance you got." "That's just it. Living on a farm gives a boy an incentive to get out and hustle for something better." —" Twelveponco one shilling." said the schoolmaster. "Now, go on, sir. 'twenty shillings make one' —what?" "They make one mighty glad these times," replied the boy, and the teacher, who hadn't got Lis last month's salary, concluded the boy was right. Typist, (to manager after the holidays): "May I have n further seven days' leave?" Manager: "What for?" Typist: "Well. I wish to get married." Manager: "Why didn't you get married while you were away?" Typist: "I didn't wish to spoil my holiday!"

—" Did you speak to father about mo, Arthur?" asked the girl. "Yes, I did, dear, and ho with me heartily," replied the wooer. "Then he said T might marry you?" " Why—er—no. I rlidn't quite get so far as that. I just said you were a fine crit'l."

Mary Ann: "Please, mum, I wish to give notice. My cousin has [rot me a place in a munition?; factory." Mistress: "Dear me, Mary. Well, of course, you know that If yon go dropping shells ahout as you do our crockery you won't remain long in your situation." The old man's wife was getting into a carriage, and ho neglected to assist her. "You aro not so gallant. John, a* when you were a boy," she exclaimed in gentle rebuke. "No," was the ready response; "and you are not so buoyant as when you Hrere a gal."

Physician: "Have you any aches or pains this morning?" Patient: " Yvs, doctor. It buns me to breathe —in fact, the only trouble I have now seems to bo with my breathing." Physician: " All right; I'll give you something that will soon stop that." —Mr Landry, n. wealthy, though miserly man, was one day relating to a friend a tale of deep distress, and concluded by saying, "I could not but feel fcr mm."

" Is that so?" was the friend's caustic reply. " But did you feel in the right place —in your pocket?" Tradesman (who has been at the telephono for a quarter of an hour, to his apprentice) : " Hero, William, take the receiver, as long as my wifo is talking to me. You don't need to make any reply; only when she asks, ' Are you still there, James?' say 'Yes, Amelia, dear!'" married three years, as she beamed across the table on her lord and master, "tell me what first attracted you to me? What pleasant characteristic did I possess which placed me above other women in your sight? And her lord and master simply said, " I give it up !"