FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3183, 17 March 1915, Page 65

FUN AND FANCY.

“Yes, but it is often bad for the reputation.”

Cynthia: “How do you like my new hat?” Margie: “I think it is charming. 1 had one just like it last year!” She: “It was a great descent I made when I married you.” He : “Yes, everybody said I took ,you down from the top shell.” _ Customer (entering poultry shop) : 1 should like to sec a nice fat goose.’ Small Boy: “Yes, sir; father will be down directly.” Hicks: “What do you think of the General Staff?” Wicks: “Huh! I use more real strategy to get a night out with the boys.” . . “Oh, where shall I hide?” said the burglar. “Jump in the card index, ’ said the office manager ; “I defy anyone to find you- there.” “Drs Smith and Jinks are going to operate on Hawkins.” “Yes. Ur Jinks wants a new car, and Dr Smith has a heavy bill coming due.” -—James: “The rain falls alike on the just and unjust.” Jones: “True, but the unjust man is generally provided with the just man’s umbrella.” Boss: “Haven’t you swept the office out yet. Willie?”- Willie: “No, Boss: “Then what have you been doing? Willie: “Sweeping out the dirt.” “Marie, can you cook?” “No, J ac k; Can you afford to keep a motor car “No, dear.” So they did not marry, and they lived happily ever afterwards. silence,” she remarked. “I should put it differently,” replied the mere man. How, pray?” “A silent woman suffers a lot.” Mrs Hutton: “We are organising a piano club, Mr Flatlei-gh. Will you join us?” Flatleigh: “With pleasure, Mrs Hutton. What pianist do you propose to club first?” Tommy: “Aren’t ycu ashamed to wear such old boots as those, and your father is a bootmaker?” Harold: “Your father is a dentist, and your baby has only one tooth.” Button: “Got a house in the country, eh, and going to buy an auto! Aren t you living a little beyond your station?” Subbubbs: “Yes; that’s why I’m going to get an auto.” “Johnnie, did you peel the apple that I gave you before you ate it, as I told you to?” “Yes, mother.” “That’s a good boy! What did you do with the peel?” “I ate it, of course!” —ln an East End school in London a small boy was asked how ho would spell saloon? The reply was startling. “Why,” said he, “with a Hess, a Hay, a Hell, two Hoes, and a Hen.” “But,” protested the wayward son, “you should make allowance for the follies of youth. “H’m!” growled the old man. “If it -wasn't for the allowance you get there’d be less folly!” “You are always talking about the high cost of living.’’’ “Well, that’s about all I hear at home.” “From your wife?” “No, from my wife’s father. We are living with him, you know^” c —“I admire patience an’ self-control,”* said Uncle Eben, “but when I sees a man dat kin keep on smilin’ after he done bruise his thumb wif a hammer, I can’t help bein’ s’picious of his capacity foh deceit.” and my second for love.” “Then you are very happy now, I suppose?” “No, I’m not. You see, my first husband married me for love, and my second for money.” A little lad had been convicted of swearing at his sister, and his father, after admonishing him, quoted the text, “Swear not at all.” “I don’t, father,” replied the youngster; “only at those who annoy me!” —“I tell you.” the orator exclaimed — “and the experience of a lifetime confirms my statement —that if you want a thing well done you must do it yourself!” “How about getting your hair ■ cut ?” asked his friend.

The waiter had been very slow in serving dinner, and the diner had grown sarcastic. “Now, waiter,” he said, “bring me a coffee and liquor, and while you’re away you might send me a post-card now and then.”

Beulah: “Without a penny, I suppose?” “On the contrary ; he brought back quite a lot of money with him.” “You don’t mean to toll me Bob went down there as a waiter.”

Old Lady (to district visitor): “Did you hear a strange voice tins morning, miss, at about four o’clock? I thought it was one of them aireoplanes; and my neighbour was so sure it was one he went down and let his dog loose.” —Punch. -—Lady Teacher (drowsily) : “What is it, Tom?” Tom: “Jimmy’s swearing.” LadyTeacher (still drowsily): “What did he say?” (Pause.) Tom : “Well, miss, if you say over all the bad words you know I’ll toll you when you come to it!”

Mistress: “The Jacksons are coming here to dinner to-night. It’s a great bother, but I suppose we must do our best.” Cook: “It’s all right, mum; you leave it to me. I’ll give them such a dinner that they’ll never want to come here again.” The Painter: “You. play charmlntrly. Do you ever play for charity?” The Pianist: “Oh, yes; frequently.” The Painter : “Well, come over and play at my studio some day. Then perhaps I can get some people to look at rny pictures.” Old Lady (compassionately): “Poor fellow ! I suppose your blindness is incurable. Have you over been treated ?” Blind Man (sighing): “Yes, mum, but not often. ’Tain’t many as likes to be seen going into a public-house with a blind beggar.” Comedian: “You seem to be in excellent spirits to-night, sir.” Actor-manager: “Yes; splendid house to-night, old man—great crowds, lots of money, and such a jam at the door that they’ve crushed all the ancient eggs they had in their pockets.”

From an' Agony column“ Grey Toque and Mantle. —You honoured me by accepting my escort when in difficulties at Boulogne in June. Also with some measure of your confidence on the crossing. Is it permissible to express the hope that a very charming acquaintanceship may bo renewed? —Brown Ulster.” A goods porter at a country railway station received instructions from the War Department the other day to collect and load np 400 tons of hay, _ Big with importance, he unburdened himself to an acquaintance thus: “I am now going round the farmers for carts and horses, and if they won’t let me have what I want I shall domineer them.”

Mother (who has very strict ideas of behaviour for her daughter’s young man): “Now, Sarah, when Mr Green calls this evening as usual and attempts any undue familiarity, just sit on him. Two hours

later mother looks into-darkened parlour, and exclaims, “ .Sarah! whatever are you doing?” “I’m doing as you told mo, mother. I’m sitting on him.” Sarah was perched on Mr Green’s knee. The class had taken up the subjects of the rulers of the world, the President of the United States, the King of England, and their powers and functions, had been discussed. Suddenly _ the teacher said, “Now, Willie, what’s a kaiser?” “A kaiser,” replied the absent-minded Willie, whose long suit was geography, instead of politx-al history, “is a stream of hot water springing up and disturbin’ the earth.” —-It was ;n a country harbor’s shop, and a farmer with, a week’s growth of stubby beard had seated himself in a chair to have his whiskers eronped. “Guess you’ll have a time gittin’ them off,” he remarked, as the barber began rubbing on the lather. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the barber carelessly. “All boards look alike to me.” “Wunst I went into a barber’s shop to git shaved,” resumed the farmer, “and after the barber was done and 1 was payin’ him, he remarked, ‘Say. old man, if all beards was like yourn, I’d quit the barber business." I sez to him, I sez, ‘Well, you haven’t got anything on me, old man. If all barbers was like you, I’d let my beard grovv.’” .