FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3097, 23 July 1913, Page 62

FUN AND FANCY.

Song for the Suffragettes—“ Ta-ra-ra-bornb-de-ay?” The spirits of an optimist are like a cork in the water —they always rise! Powder —the stuff that makes many a man. turn pale. “Why is a fiddle like a young lady?’ Because it must have a bow. “A fellow no sooner wins a girl’s hand than he is under her thumb.” The spat, a fashion note assures us, is dying out. On its last legs, in fact. Nurse (to young doctor): “Your practice is waiting, sir. Shall I show him in?” —“ A girl's heart is like an umbrcl a. Sooner or later some fellow is bound to steal it." Head Master; ‘‘Well. O’Brien, what are you doing out of bed?’’ O’Brien: ‘‘l just got out to tuck myself in. sir.” keeper: “Hi, boy! You can’t catch fish without a permit.” Boy: "Well, I'm getting on well enough with a worm!” “Do you believe in Platonic friendship?” ho asked. “Not,” she replied, “as long as there is a chance for anything else.” Parent (sternly): “When I was your age, my boy, I was making an honest living.” The Boy: “ And now look at you!” Heckler (to orator): “Hi! guv’nor. do you support early closing?” Orator: “Certainly I do. my friend.” Heckler: “Then s>hut up.” Young Widow: “Did you have any trouble getting Jack to propose?” Girl Ericnd: “No, dear; I told him yon were after him.” the new motor car.” “Yes! Another case where a man is displaced by machinery. ' —“I am not a (Suffragette,” cried an indignant witness at the West London Police Court. “ I am a respectable married woman.” - “ I do not consider a man drunk until he goes to the pump to light his pipe,” said a witness in a Cheltenham licensing application. Customer: “That was the driest, flattest sandwich I ever tried to chew into.” Waiter; “Why, here's your sandwich. You ate your cheek.” Gillespie: “I wonder what sort of a debt-collector I would make?” Hardrum: “ You might let me have a fiver for 10 days and find out.” He: “My dear girl, you spend all your money in getting your hand read.” She: “ And you spend all yours, old boy, in getting your nose red.” Mrs Backpay: “ Good-morning, sir. Will you take a chair?” Instalment housecollector: “No, thank von, ma’am. I’ve come to take the piano.” Shabby Individual (to painter on ladder); “ Hi, you’re dropping you’re paint over me.” Painter: “ Well, you’re badly in need of a enat of some sort.” —■-'She: “ 1 hear Captain Donaldson’s married.” He: “Really? I’m glad to hear that; and yet I don’t know why I should be. Ho never did mo any* harm.” —-“This is the way of it: A woman begins bv promising nothing and ends by giving all; a man begins by promising everything and ends by giving nothing." man on the platform to a restless audience. “There’s no chance for preserves hero!” a man yelled back. “ There’s too much jam.” ‘ I understand you have just bought a motor car?” “Yes; I saw seven of thorn chasing one pedestrian the other daj, and I decided that I was on the wrong end of the snort.” inquired Airs Small of her boarder, a young barrister. “ I have tried it, madam,” be returned, sadly “and the chicken has proved an alibi.” Some men do like to brag about their wealth.” “What’s the matter now?” “ Bartlett stopped me yesterday to tell me proudly that he lias hens in his backyard that are still laying eggs.” —“ W by, Johnny,” said the teacher.' have you forgotten your pencil again? W hat would you think of a soldier going to war without a gun?” Johnny: “I’d think he was an officer!" Foreman (calling ■ip to workman): “ Pine.-,t ere ycz doin' un there. Casey?” Casey: “Oi'rn lavin’ bricks, av coorsc.” Foreman: “Be Jabots! by the still av ye yer nioight be lavin' eggs !” “Now, Johnny." said the teacher, “von may try your hand at writing a short story.” A few minutes later Johnny handed up his slate, in widt h was written: Cs bovs ail loves our teacher.” Ardent Suitor: “ I lay mv fortune at vott” ’ lair Ladv : “Your fortune! I didn’t know you had one.” Ardent Suitor; “Well, it isn’t much of a. fortune, but it will took largo beside those tinv feet.” wreck?” Indigent Seaman: “Yes. mum.” Lady : “ How did you feel when the waves broke over yon?” Seaman; “Wet, mum—worry wot : but How, mum. I feels dry—worry dry.” Mamma: “Al y dear, what are you doing? ’ Little Daughter: “ Making a penwiper for mv little sister.” Alarnma ; “ But vott haven’t any little sister!” Little Daughter: “No. not yet; hut Sallv Stncknp has jest got one, and I know wo always got everything the Stuckups do." -Boh: "'I hat’s a fine dog you've got. old man. Do yon want to sell him?” Bill: I’ll take throe pounds .for him!” Bob: Is be intelligent?” Bill : “ Intelligent ! Why, do yon know, that dog knows about as much as I do?” Bob: "Oh. does he? Then I’ll give you fourperee for him.” —1 wo men sat at a table in a club. Tim first man, frowning at the other asked : '■ W ’lv on earth do von 'et Tour wife go around saying that she made a man of you? You never hear my wife saying that.” “No.” the ot her frowned Ivek; “but I’ve often heard her sav elm tried her hardest.” The h *ad mistress of a school was examining a few of h r r select punils in grammar. “ Stand up. Joan, and make me a sentence containing the word ‘seldom,’ site sa-d, poinding to a small urchin. Joan via u«e« 1 as if in thought; then, with a flush of tiiumtih in her face, replied: “ T.-'St week fatln-v had five horses, but yesterday he seldom !" for these trorcers?” asked the clerk of Shninps and T-uior, “ Skxteen hob—the tisu il pi c-e? ’ Shmpps and Taylor pondered. “ Stronger i-t is a good customer, is he not?" ne r> fleeted. “lie is.’’ said the clerk. “ And ne always nays tin uroirmtlv ?”_ “lie does.” “And never haggles?” “He doesn’t." “Well, then.” decided Sl>nip;iß and Taylor, “charge him a- pound I”