FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3031, 17 April 1912, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

Good intentions aro the paving-stones on which many a man slips up. Teacher: "Tommy, what is the future of 'I give'?" Tommy: "You take." Williams: "Did Uie millionaire attain his success in life by burning midnight oil?" Peter: "No; by selling it!" The average small boy's appetite would seem to indicate that he is really Larger than ho looks from the outside. ) Neighbour: "I s'pose your Bills lttin •the 'arp with ihe hansels now * Long-suher-|ing Widow: "Not 'im. 'lttin' the hangels wiv the 'nrp's nearer 'is mark!' Wifie (eyeing her new extreme model costume): "I wonder if the hobble skirt is ever going out?" Hubby (also eyeing the same, with decision): "Not with me. -"Is your husband even tempeied? "Yes," answered Mrs Wurryd "he s even tempered enough. He's just about as I irritable one day .as another. -Angry Diner: "Confound you, waiter! There's a nv in my glass." Waiter (examining glass): "Lor' bless your _ art, sir, that ain't a fly; it's a bit of dirt. i "There's one of the wisest men I over met." "He does seem to be mighty wellinformed." "Well-informed? Why, that 1 man actually knows almost as much as the chairman of our County Council thinks he j lady called on a friend, who was not at home and finding the piano dusty wrote upon it "dirty.'.' They met the next ! day, and the lady said, I called on you 1 yesterday." " Yes, I saw your card on the > Pl The" Lawyer: "01 course, my dear 'madam, the 'great thing in a case. oi to* : sort is to introduce something into the ! evidence that will appeal to the jury. The •Lady" "Oh, I shall change my costume Veteran: "So. you fought all through the, Bp war *d Second were in South Africa/ j Second Veteran: 'Neither was I. I was at "What's the mattinir on our verandah! , , ~ I I Teacher: "How many weeks in the ! vear Tommy Timkins?" Tommy: "Only IfifS this year." Teacher: 'You know verv well there are fifty-two." Tommy: -No, 'm; not this year Pa says he s goinr to take two weeks oft. . _"Mh» Ethel is a long time coming down," said the youth to the servant^ after waiting some time for the young lady's appearance. "Perhaps, ho added, with a laugh. " perhaps she is making up ; h>r mind whether to see me or not j "No" said the servant, with an icy smile, : " it isn't her mind she is making up. i —"He is a good man," said the optim- ' ist of one of his friends; "too good a man I sometimes think, for this rougn wicked world of ours. He is an idealist and an optimist. Indeed, ho is such an incurable idealist and optimist that, if you should send him on a wild-goose chase, he'd speak of himself for ever afterward as a big-game hunter." Not lon- ago a stock of crockery was sold at auction, and Mrs Wilson attended the =ale When she returned her face was radiant with joy. "You must join the Cremation Society." were the first words she said to her husband. Mr W.: W 7 hat for'" Mrs W. : "I've bought such a lovely vase to hold vour ashes! You have no idea Low it will set off the mantelpiece." A farm hand had worked on the held from dawn till darkness. " I'm going to leave," he said to the farmer at the end of the month. "You promised me a steady job." "Weil, haven't you got one?" was the astonished reply. "No," said the man, " there aro three or four hours every night when I don't have anything to do except waste my time sleeping." i —Jones: "What is Newly wed Bigsrnedd looking so glum about?" Smith: "Why, the gipsy fortuno-tellor has just told his wife that she would have two husbands, and that the second one would be a very fine sort of a man." Jones: "Ha, ha! And Bigghedd thinks that is a reflection on him. I suppose-?" Smith: " Oh, no! Ho thinks his wife must have been married before, and never told him." A British regiment on its way to India stop|>ed at Aden, but noting how dull and arid the placo looked, very few went ashore. A genial officer observed a pri- ! vato of his company leaning o\er the ship's side, j,azin£ intently at the town. " Well." my man, and what do you think of Aden?" the officer inquired. " Well, sir," was the startling answer, "I'm hanged if I know what Adam and Eve saw in it." Husband: "My dear, these trousers : aro frayed at the ends/' Wife: "They are the best you've got, John, except your dress trousers." Husband: " Well, give those to me. I have an important inter- | view on hand to-day in which I expect : to bo at different times proud, haughty, j indifferent, dignified, and perhaps a trifle disdainful. A man can't be all that successfully with a fringe on the bottom of his trousers." \ When a gentleman with decided ten- ', dencies towards looking after everybody's business but his own saw a furniture van j being loaded near his house lie sallied forth into the street on investigation bent. "I say, carter," lie began, bumptiously, " are . the people here •moving?'' The vanman | looked at him scornfully, then he wiped the perspiration from his brow. " No, sir," ; he returned, tiredly ; "we're just taking the j furniture for a drive." A few weeks ago several commercials : were travelling in a train to the north, j and had to change at a roadside station far from any sign of refreshment. One of tho number whiled away tho iime by chaffing the solitary porter. He had been at this game for some time, when the porter's turn came. "I say," asked the funny commercial, " what made them build the station so far away from the village?" " I don't know," replied the porter, gravely, "unless they thought it would be more convenient to have it down • here near the railway."