FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2996, 16 August 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

“Doctor, I am feeling worse to-day “Then, stop taking the pills I proscribed for you.” —“But I haven’t taken any yet. —“Then take them.” Butcher: “Well, sir, did that large fowl I sold, you do for the whole family?” Buyer: “Very nearly. The doctor is still calling.” Beggar: Please help me to recover my child 1” Lady: “Is yoijr child lest?” i Beggar: “No, mum, but his clothes are worn out.” * . “Well, young Dr Sheer has made- ms mark already, hasn’t he?” —“Yes- —did it on his first case.” —“Gpeat ■ work ! What •die he do?” —“Vaccinated him.” “Father,” said little Rollo, “what is meant by ‘Sabbath day’s journey’?” —“I am afraid, my son, that in too many oases it means twice around the golf links.” The Court: “You will swear that the prisoner stole your umbrella?” The Plaintiff: “Your Honor, I will swear that he stole the umbrella I was carrying.” Old Gentleman: “Now, kiddies, do you want me to have a game of romps w r ith you? Eh?” Youngster: “Oh, no! We’re playing at Indians and you’re no use. You’re scalped already.” Woman expects more for her money than man. I was in a shop one day when a woman oame in and said to the salesman: “Give me one of those penny mouse traps, and hurry up, please, I want to catch a train.” _ —“I am sorry,” said the sarcastic professor to the student who was half-asleep. „. “I am sorry to interrupt your meditations.” “That’s all right,” replied the student; “you don’t interrupt me —I’m not listening.” _ , Customer: “Don t send me any more meat like that last lot.” Butcher; “What was the matter -with it?” Customer: “It was so wretchedly tough that I couldn’t get my fork through the gravy !” “You must have dreamed last night that a handsome man was proposing to you —now own,up, Bessie!”—“What makes you think so, auntie?” —“Oh, for a quarter-of an hour you kept saying ‘Yes!’ in your sleep!” . She: “And knowing my sentiments on the subject, did that odious Mr Binks insult you by offering you a drink?” He: “That’s what Mr Binks did.” She: “And bow -did you resent it?” He (meekly): “I swallowed the insult.” “Really,” said the X-ray operator to the surgeon, “there is only a grammatical distinction between our professions.” “Do you think so?” asked the surgeon. “Ccr- - tai-nly. I see bones and you saw bones.” money, old chap.” Tom: “Delighted, I’m sure! Who was the charitable old bloke that died?” Bill: “No, no, no! I mean I’ve just dropped in to ask you for something on the quid I lent you last week.” Constable: “What, sir! Dae ye suggest that I would tak’ a bribe. Dae ye insult mo, sir?” The Erring One: “Oh, excuse me, I Constable: “Bit now, supposin’ 1 wis that kind o’ man, how much wid you be inclined to gi’-e?” —An old labourer was hurrying along a railway platform to catch a train when a porter suddenly collided with him, knocking him down. A gentleman happened to come along as__be was slowly rising to his feet, and said to him, “Ah, my good man, is 'this the whisky again?” . “No, yer honor,” replied the old labourer; “it was the porter.” Briggs; “I suppose, if I accept your fnvibatkin to go to that dinner, you will want me to make -a speech?” Griggs: “No, my dear fellow. You see, it’s this way. Everybody w-e have invited so far wants to make a speech, and what I am trying to do now is to get together a few listeners. - This was heard in an overcrowded tram car:—“Say. Dick,” said the young man. whose football tactics had won him a strap in the rush; “say, Dick, Tve tra yelled in on the oar every mornin’ except Sundays an-’ holidays for two years, and I’ve never given up a scat to a lady yet.” “You’re a polite one,” sneered Dick. “Nothing of the kind,” .retorted the young man. “I’ve never had a seat to give up.”

The man who had rocked the boat and turned it bottom upward was clinging' desperately to its slippery keel. Half an hour passed away. “Then suppose yon let yourself down and wade out,” suggested the other man. who had been standing on the ground all the time and apparently struggling to keep his .head above water. “It’s only about four and a-half feet deep here — I am sorry to say.” Many witty letter-writers have made effective points by starting a sentence on on© side of the paper and finishing on the other. One celebrity always replied to letters asking for subscriptions in this way: “Sir, —I feel highly honoured by the application you have made to me, and I beg to subscribe” —here the reader had to turn the leaf—“myself your very obedient servant,” etc.

A man from the country visiting Dublin for the first time took a seat in a train. Being next to a pompous-looking swell, he commenced conversation in a rather free and easv style. At length the misrhtv one said: “My good man, reserve your conversation for one of vonr pouch. I’d have you know I’m a K.C.” At this the countryman stood no with outstretched hands, exclaiming: “Shdce hands, namesake; I’m a Casey nivself.” —ln oiuvering tones the dying man dictated to hi? lawyer his last will and testament. “To each and every clerk who has been in im- employ ten years. £10C0.” “Rut. mv dear sir,” gasped the lawyer, “think of your sons and daughters! And 1 your fortune is not oolo«®il!” “That’s all right!” mnrmuvrd the sick man. “Pmnb have always said that I was ©Vise and hardI want them to think well of me when I! am gone. It will look so well in the papers, and there i«n’t a clerk in mv place, bv the wav, who has been with mo ten months!”