FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2928, 27 April 1910, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

The dignity of labour may be all right, but lots of mer are not hankering after dignity. . Jerry: "I ain't goin' nowhere. I've been where I'm goin'." "What was the best after-dinner speech you even- heard?" The other fellow said: "Let me settle with the waiter." Mabel: "He was awfully nervous when he proposed" Maud: "So were you until he did so, were you not, dear?" "How bright and happy May looks since her engagement. "-"Yes, a match usually lights un a girl's face. , . Mrs Y "My daughter is a promising musician." Mrs 0.: "Well, get her to promise she won't sing any more. ".father, what do they call a man who has two wives?"—"A bigamist, my boy. -■ "But when, he has-more than two, tatner < —"A lunatic!" , Artist (to visitor, who is fingering a wet "masterpiece"): "Be careful, the paint is fresh." Visitor: all right. 1 can wash my hands." "Shame on you! You came home last night actually tipsy."—"So I did, my dear. I. just couldn't resist the pleasure of seeing two of you at once." Departing Guest: "Well, I've had a delightful time." Hostess: "I'm so glad. At the same time I'm sorry the weather kept all our best people away." "Papa!"—"Yes, mv dear."—"Whowas Cinderella?"—"Why, Cinderella, my child, was the first woman to get a No. 4- foot into a No. 2 shoe, I believe." to ask for your daughter's hand." Fullpurse: "H you will wait until I change my boots I'll give you my answer " Traveller: "I suppose, my man, you get a great lot of idiotic questions iput to you every day?'' Porter: "Oh, yes, sir; you are the twenty-first to-day.' r Grandma: "Naughty, naughty. When I was a little girl I always washed my face Dolly: "Yes, and now look at it." "Were you ever in love?" asked the sweet young thing. "No," replied the bachelor, "but you can't mention any other fashionable disease that I haven't tried." . —Disgusted Diner: 'You ought not to have killed that fowl." Restaurant Proprietor: "Why, sir?'' Disgusted Diner "You've robbed it of an old-age pension." Mrs Oldun (angrily): "You have been telling people that I bleach my hair. You know it is fake." Miss Youngun (surprised): "Indeed. I had no idea it was." "John is gettin' used to public speakin , ain't he?"—"Oh, yes. I remember when you could hardly get him to stand up, an' now vou can hardly get him to sit down." Mrs Youngwife: "My new home has stained gilass in all the windows." Mrs Boredwun: "Now, that's tco bad. Cant you find something that'll take the stains out?" , She: "I lost my umbrella last week, and it had my name on the handle, He: "Then vou had better take mine. She: "Your 'umbrella?" He: "No, my name." "No, Willie," said the nurse, no more cakes to-night. Don't you know you can't sleep on a full stomach?" "Well," said the indomitable Willie, 'I can sleep on my back, can't I?'" "Does your daughter play Mozart? inquired the young man with goild-rimmed glasses "I believe she does," answered Mrs Sanders, affably. "But I think she (©refers tennis." Young Wife: "Don't you admire a man who' always says the right thing at the right time?" The Spinster: "I'm sure I could if I ever have the pleasure of meeting suoh a man " girl in the world," said the young man. "Funny, isn't it?" commented the clerk. "That makes thirteen hundred licenses for that girl this season.' Jones: "Your dog seems a very intelligent animal, keeper." Keeper : 'He be all that, sir. Only t'other day 'e bit a gent as only give me a sovereign after " day's shoot!" (Hint taken.) "Mr Grimes," said, the rector to the vestryman, "we had better take up the collection before the sermon this morning. "Indeed?" "Yes; I'm going to preach on the subject of economy " Poet's Wife: "My husband read this poem at a public celebration before thousands of people. Alas! it was the last poem he evjir wrote." The Publisher: " T °<*» Did they lynch him or shoot him?" Lady Haullon: "I want you to hang up all my summer things." New Lady's Maid (the last place was Mrs Stoneybroke's) • "Yes, your ladyship, and how much do you want on them?' Her Father (sternly): 'Genevieve, you are engaged to some young man." Herself: Oh. father, how did- you discover my secret?" He* Father: "The gas bill ,for last quarter is suspiciously small." Rivers: ''What have you go ; , that string tied around your finger for?" Brooks: "By George I'm glad you mentioned it. That's to remind me to ask you for the 'fiver' I lent you a month ago." Continental Police . Inspector: "Why didn't you report at 11 o'clock as I told you to? It is after 12 now!" Detective: "Fact is, sir. I didn't know the time One of those pickpockets I was shadowing stole my watch." A country girl is credited with the following reply to a question as to whether she had been to the fair: "I didn't went. I didn't want to went; and, if I had wanted to went, I couldn't have gotten to gwine." Miss Screecher: "I wonder if Uncle Jim remembered me when he made his will? I used to sing for him." Lawyer: "Yes, he evidently remembered you —at least.' your name isn't mentioned in the document." ner you'd get along bettea* in business." remarked a wife to her husband. "Rot!" rejoined the man. "I tried the genial tack once, and everybody I met wanted to borrow' money!" Tammas (to M'Tavish, whom he lias iust pulled out of the water): "Man, Donal'! Ye sucl be lookin' happy. Are ye no thankfu' yer life's saved?" M'Tavish (sourly) : "I dinna see nae cause to bo thankfu'. The glass o' whusky I had afore I fell into the water has been fair drobned !" Two little negro boys were having a row. The insults that were being hurled at each other were finally clinched by the following remark: "Yo—why, yo raos' black enuff to go naked to a funeral."- i