FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2921, 9 March 1910, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

■ — "Did you have a good birthday dinner, Jimmy?"—"l should think I did! I had to take four kinds of medicine after

Professor: "Does my question em oar r&ss yous" Student: "Not in the least, sir. It's tha answer I'm bothering about " "Woman," said the crusty person, "may say that she will forgive and forget, but she will never iet you forget that she forgave." She.; "Just look at that man on the bicycle. Why on earth does he stoop so?'' He: "He must be trying to put his shoulder to the wheel." Little Ethel (feeling that there musf be a special way of speaking to a bishop): -"For Heaven's, sake pass the salt!" Teacher: "What is the meaning oi 'elocution,' Harold?" Pupil: "It's the way people are put to death in some countries."

Mamma: "Yes, dear, the angels can hear everything; they heard your ' prayers last night." Effie; "That's funny j J didn't say tbem." Mrs Newbride: "Boohoo \ Henrj tnrew a cake ,ii me. One that I made myself, too.' Mother: "The monster! He might have killed you."

—Mr Cutter: "What's that you just put under your pillow, Ethel?" Mrs Cutter: "A piece of Mrs Thricewed's divorce cake. I'm sroins: to dream on it."

"Was Blank here last night?" asked the young diner of the waiter. "Yes, sir," the waiter answeied. "And," said the youdh nervously, "was I with him?" White: "Hello. Brown, what's you. hurry?" Brown: "I'm seeking trouble I'm off to the station to meet the w'V mother."

Creditor: "I ask you for the last time to pay me that five pounds ; you owe me." Debtor: "Thank goodness. There's an to that silly question." "Tell me, is there anything on earth that new yacht of yours can't overtake and pass?"—"l should say tfcere "What's that?"—"lts running expenses." "Before we were married, Jack, you said mother could 6tay with us whenever she pleased."—"Yes, my dear, but since we have been married she has ceased to please."

—Mr Tyte-Phist: "Have you any idea how much monev is in circulation in the British Isles?" Mrs Tyte-Phist: "I presume it's all in circulation— exceDt what you happen to get hold of." -Green: "Poor White is in hard luck. He has one arm in a sling, a black eye, two teeth missing, and a mortgage on his home. Brown: "You don!t say! How long has he had the motor?" prospective purchaser. "Well, I should think so," replied the owner. "He kicked the stableman three times in the same spot yesterday."

- Two hours of sleep before midnight [s better than four after that hour "- . * »*«estiefc«! Two horn's' sleep after one is called m the morning is better than uV the others

Smyth: I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended hei sorely a week ago, and she has not spoken a word to me since." Blythe: "Would you mind telling me what it was?"

Arc exquisite, leading a dog by a string, lounged up to a ticket office of a railway station and inquired: "Must I—aw —take a ticket for a puppy?" "No: you can travel as an ordinary oassenger," was the reply.

- - Stout Gent (to applicant for post as chapel-cleaner): "Yes, I like your face. How long were you in your last place?" Applicant: "Seven years." Stout Gent: 'What were you doing- there?'' Applicant: "Seven years."

Friend: 'Why do'you encourage these women suffrage meetings? Surely you don't approve of them?'"' Husband: "Approve! With all my heart! I cair come home as late as I like now without finding my wife at home to ask questions." She: "So you don't apnrove of the airship?" He: "I don r t say that, but I must admit that I can't quite see the need of it, when railway and motor cars already afford such extensive opportunities for riskingl life."

—Mr Southern went into a barber's shop to have his hair cut re.Anf.ly. 'Will I have to take off my collar?" he asked. ''No," replied the barber, glancing at Mr Southern's polished dome. "You won't even have to take off your coat."

Weston: "Did you congratulate Bronson on his marriage?" Preston: "I couldn't —I don't know his wife." Weston: "T|ien you might have wished her happiness." Preston: "I couldn't do that. r know BroiiiSon.

-Mistress: "Get dinner to-day on the gas stove. Bridget." Bridget- ''Plaze, mum, I did thry, hut the stove went out." Mistress: "Try again, then." Bridget: "Yis, mum; but it's rrot com. back vet. It wint out through the roof." "Does your husband play cards for money?"—"Judging from practical results." answered young Mis Tomkins, "I should say not. But all the other men ir. the game do."

After playing a visit ho a famous entomologist' whose wonderful microscopes proved that there is always some livin'g thing to be found preying on the minutest creature, the visitor exclaimed: "I came here believing myself to be an individual I lea-re knowing myself to be a community." Noble Sportsman: "Whatever it is I've* shot, it makes a most unearthly row." Keeper: "Yes; pcor Bill airr't got a _nueica! voice, 'as 'e? But I heard him say he was going to take singing lessons." "Do you and Miss Ransom still play ducts?" —"No; we gave them up. Our hands always pot so mixed up that her mother objected." Little Mar] went into the country on a visit to her grandmother. Walking in the garden she chanced to spy a peacock, a bird she had never previouslv seen. She ran cmiekly into the house and cried, "Oh, grandma, come out and see. There's an old chicken in full bloom."

"No." said the tiresome man. "1 never knew a woman who could tell a story well. Most women appreciate the fact that they can't and don't try " "Yes,"' interrupted the weary listener, "and some men don't appreciate the fact that they ean r t and are very trying."

Wife: "Fm_ going into town to-day, my dear, to my, shoemaker's, milliner's, and dressmaker's. What does the paper say about the weather?" Husband: "Rain, hail, and thunder storms.'!-

I "What 's this peculiar key on your typewriter? I never saw it on any before." I —"Hist! My own invention - . Whenever | you can't spell a word you press this key and it makes a blur." I Little Girl: "I've got a father and a muvver and a grandfather." Old Gent: j "And 'ow old is yer grandfather?" Little Girl "I don't know; but we've had him a lone time." j "Say," exclaimed the irate flat-dweller as he rushed into the gas office, "do you '' mean to say this bill represents the amount of •gas we burned last month?" "Not j necessarily," calml* replied the man behind the desk. "It merely represents the amount you have to pay for." -Tommy Tuff seemed particularly obtuse that morning, but "dear teacher" was determined to make him understand. "You say you own a dog. Tommy," she said. j "Then you have a quadruped, don't you see?" "No'm," replied Tommy.—" But I explained to you a moment ago that any ; animal with four legs was a quadruped."— "Yes'm, but Buster lost one of his fightin' a motoi oar." j —Father: "Bobby, I'm surprised to see ' you crying because a bee stung you. Buck Jup and act like a man." Bobby: "Y-yes; air' y-you'd gimme a. 1-iiokin'. Y-you told me w-what you'd do to me if you e-ever heard me u-usin' that kind of l-languai°re." I "Don't you like that quotation from Shakespeare, 'The friends thou hast and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel'?" be asked, souli fully. "I think hoops of gold would be batter," eaid the girl, shyly. ) —lndignant Wife: "The new chauffeur has only just brought the children and j me heme, and now he's taken the cook out for a spin." Husband: "Gr.eafcheavens! j He doesn't half know how to manage a j car. and she's the first decent cook we've i had in a year." j —"Here's an article in this magazine entitled 'How to Meet Trouble,' *' said Mrs Wedderley. "Shall I read it to you?" j "No, thank you," replied his, wife's husband. "How to dodge trouble is the brand of information I'm looking for." j Mrs Brown: "I used to be so fond of fiction before I was married." Mrs Smith: "And don't you read much now?" Mrs Brown: "No; after the tales' my I husband tells me about why he is late getting home, mere printed fiction seems ! go tame and unimaginative." j —The Teacher (reading): "'Then the girl-warrior faced the mocking foe and unsheathed her deadly weapon.' What does l that mean, children? Well, Elvira?" | Elvira: "Please, ma'am, I think it means she stuck out her tongue." j "Tommy, how dare you beat your little sister?" Tommy (aged ten): "Oh, if you j mayn't beat your own sister I'll chuck up ! family life altogether!" i Stupid Man: '''l've a new typewriter, dear." Wife (coldly): "Indeed''* Stupid j Man : "Yes; a pretty little • thing—one of the kind you can take anywhere with you and hold on your knee, ! and ' : A flood of tears. Stupid Man i (an houi later): "But, my dear it's a machine —not a girl." j A certain young fellow has got the • parrot's complaint—he talks too much. And this is how it let him down a cropper at an important interview:—"You love my daughter?" said the old man. "Love her!" he exclaimed passionately; "why, I would die for her. For one soft glance from those sweet eyes I would hurl myself from younder cliff and perish, a bleeding, bruised mass, upon the rocks two hundred feet below." The old man shook his head. "I'm something of a liar myself," he said, r 'and one is enough in a small family like mine."