FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2914, 19 January 1910, Page 78

FUN AND FANCY.

“Did young Skinnick’s uncle remember hitn when he made his will?”—“Must have. Didn’t leave him anything.” . —-“Well, my little man,” inquired a visitor pleasantly, “who are you?” “I’m the baby’s brother!” was the ingenuous reply. Johnny: “Pa, when is the freedom of the city given to a man?” Pa: “When his wife goes to the country for a few weeks’ holiday.” _ citizen. “Not, while I have charge of these houses,” said tho factor. “You’ll pay as you move in.” A Precocious Precisian. —-“Are you in pain, my little man?” asked a kind! old ■gentleman. “No,” was the reply, “tho pain’s in mo!” Plea that Failed. —“I’m deaf and dumb!” said a prisoner at- Wood Green when charged with “unlawful possession” and asked if lie had anything to say. Jonas: “Whenever I -have to borrow money, I try to get it from a pessimist.” Drown: “Why?” Jones: “A pessimist, never expects to get it back.” “John, dear, do you believe in tho ability of fortune-tellers to forecast events truthfully?”—“No! Due told me once that I would get. married and live happily.” Mrs Old wed : “Of course, my dear, I suppe*© you sometimes quarrel with your husband?” Mrs Newed: “Indeed 1 don’t; hut h-t or —sometimes quarrels with me.” “Has your boy made much progress in his studies?” “Go ay,” said the old man, “lie’s dacin.’ sac weal at h’s studies that I’m tld-.kiu’ -bo’s clean neglectin’ his go wff.” Sandy: “An’ hoo did ye like Canada, John?” John: “Canada! Gosh! it wis only warm yinc-s o' the time I was there, and that wis w lion the hoc sc next door was on fire.” Fortune-Teller: “Your future husband will be tall, have dark complexion, and be very wealthy.” The Caller: “Now, tell me another thing: How can I get rid of my y re sent husband?” Wife (making a desperate effort to convey a plain hint): “A tree, you know, gets new clothes every spring.” Husband: (too excited to be caught!: “Yes, dear, and it makes them all itself.” “You ofnce-hclders,” sneered the man who was vainly trying to be one, “don’t die very often, do you?” “No,” replied the man who was one, as he smiled benignly, “only on.ee.” Youth: “Lock here, this horse I hired from you runs on to the pave mar* every time he sees a motor-ear.” Horse-dealer: “Well, you don’t expect a horse to run. up a telegraph pole or climb a tree, do you?” First Tramp: “After all, it pays to bo polite.” Second Tramp: “Not always. The other day I was actin’ deaf and dumb when a man gave me sixpence. I says. ‘Thank you, sir,’ and he had me arrested.” Lady (engaging servant): “I ought to • ell you that we are all strict teetotallers here. I suppose you won’t mind that?” Mary Jane: “Ob, no. mum. I’ve been in a reformed drunkard’s family before.” ■—Mike had only recently been made foreman, but he knew the respect due to S>.is rank. “Finnegan,” he said to an 'irgumontativo assistant, “I’ll have nawthing out of v-ou but silence, and mighty little •:. : i that.” A diner in a restaurant sighed heavily in the hearing of tho waiter. “Anything Wong. sir?” queried the attendant. “Not much,” was the reply. “I was only wondering whether I should live to be as old as this chicken!” She (pining for pleasant words): “Oh, George, I cannot understand it! Why do you lavish this wealth of love on me when there are so many girls more beautiful raid more worthy than I?” He (absentmindedly) : “I’m bio wed if I know!” The census-taker had just asked Mr Bjonson- how many children he had. “Hive,” said Djonson. Just then there were scurrying sounds overhead, and the family physician came in, and excitedly whispered something in Bjonson’-s ear. “Mak-s that seven,” Gaid Bjonson. ‘ ‘lsn’t a lawsuit over a patent rightabout the dullest thing you ever saw?” ‘Not always. I attended a- trial of that kind once that was too funny for anything. A till lawyer named Short was reading a t>ooo-wcrd document he called a brief.” Bildad wants to know how he shall )iga bis name to a letter to his tailor expressing regret that he cannot pav his bill just yet —either “Yours truly,” “Yours always,” or “Yours faithfully”? The question is a new one to us. but on a chance Blow would “Tours unremittingly” do? on another stamp,” said a London postmaster to a boy who had inquired as to ■whether a packet was all right for posting. ’‘Garni” replied the e-mart youth. “Oo are tot tollin’ funny Hies to? Anuther stamp won’t make ic any lighter!” --After reproving her eldest son for the offence < f :-:grr-»ll I-smokine, the mother thou-gbi s’’ : improve the occasion still B’~!•• an-1 : -d of a younger member cf the fr-mily, aged twelve, if he had been smoking a!.-o. “No, mother,” was the reply. “1 have given it up.” M * Dearbuui: “You say that is Mrs Burke-Martm ?” Mrs Wabash: “Yes: Burke was her name and Martin was her ■husband’s name.” Mrs Dearborn; “But why does she the- hyphen between the names’” Mrs Wabash-: “To show that cho is . .p.-arated from her husband.” A cieior but very eccentric man, who sings co:u.c son as with a great deal of action, v j singing or.® day at, a. concert(given a! lunatic asylum. When he tied finished an old woman exclaimed with a sigh: “At- ! to think I’m in and he’s out!” Medicine Man: “What is the matter T’ith your Majesty?” Cannibal King: “Oh. I’ve an awful indigestion.”— “What have you been eating?”---“ I’ve, ■last pot shed l off .-n Am-ar-Lcan millionaire.” “Good .heavens! No wonder you ape ill. •I’ve told ou all repeatedly to beware of any thine too rich.” tv.r-c-st Joluiny is taking in his writing. Ho spends two hours a day at. it.” Visitor: “Really? Hew strange! How did gbfc him to do is?” Momma.: “Oh, I ‘told him to 'write me •out a List of everything- he wants for his birthday, and he’s etsll at it.’ sence? ” asked the elector. “ I left this g ] & to liar© for oaUea-a to write their nanaoa en. and it is perfectly clean.”—“ Ob. y»%” rct-h’cd Li© 6tu'v&nb. “A lot of folks hao

come, but the slate got so full o’ names j that I had to rub ’em all out to make room for more.” “What are you giving to those pigs, ‘ my man?” the learned professor asked. “Corn, professor,” the grizzled old farmer, who knew tho gentleman by sight, replied. ; “Are you giving it wet or dry?” —“Dry. “Don’t you know if it he wot the pigs can digest it in one-half the time?” The farmer gave him a humorous glanes. A°'T,’ lock hero, professor,” he said, "just tell me how much do you think a pig s time is worth?”