FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2812, 5 February 1908, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

How long the day seems when yon are short of money ! — Many a man, who looks wise can't make a Hying at it.

— One method -of dodging popularity is to give your neighbour advice. ' — "How does Mrs De Style manage to cro?3 the gaps in her inccme?" — "I think by bridge parties." — Geisld: ''Weren't we engaged Ja&r year?" Geraldine: "I presume so, if yui were here when 1 was."

— It's astonishing wha* comfort some people get -worrying over their neighbours who live beyond" their- incomes. — She ; t suppose you are ar-lover of music!" He: "Oh, yes; but you can go right on playing ~just the- same." — Biggs^ "I wonder what makes my eyea so weak?" Diggs : "I don't know, unless it's fceci.use they are- in a weak place." — Daughter: ''Father went off in^good humour- this morning." Mother : " My ! That reminds me. I forgot to ask him for any money." , "As your husband died intestats, you will, of course, get a third. Widow: "Oh, I hope to get my fourth. He was. my third, you. know."' — Husband: "Have you heard that they're going to start a museum of anti-quiti-s here?" W^fe: "So?- Then I can give ."-pin- this hat of mine!" — " -w is yowL^husband to-day, Mr.» Brooii — "Weel, he's~gey poorly. He was gettin' on fine, but tn doctor said last nicht that he had gotten; th' convalescence. ' ->— Corcoran 1 "Any improvement in the wife, Siroson?" Simson: "She's gettin' on fine, sir. She was- able to land me on the 'cad with a dish this mornin', -thanks t>e to God." — Shft (encouragingly) : "A faint hearc never won a fair lady, you know." He (with extreme nervousness) : "H — m ! No, and a faint heart never got away from one either." — Dolly : "Molly Wslcott told me amonthago that her new gown waa going to be a dream.'" Polly: "Well, that is all it is, so far. Her "husband won't give her the money for it." - — I hope you won't insist on a long en(?agement, dearest?" he said tenderly. "No, sweetheart, I won't. You hwven'fc money enough to make it enjoyable,"' she answered practically. — "Your wife seems to have- a mind of her own." — "She did have before our marriage, but it's leaving her."— "What's the matter?"— " She has taken to giving me bits of it in fche most liberal fashion in the world." , — Thib One : "They tell me your husband has discovered he's a baronet !" The Other: "Yes,. mum. v Goodness knows what he'll do for a living now! And just as we have worked up such a nice little greengrocery business, too." — "Yes, I used toy be as bad aa you, but I made up my mind to stop smoking and drinking, and I did it." — "Indeed ! L sup•pose a man who can stop smoking and drinking could atop almost anything "—" — "Oh, yes." — "Except, bragging about it." —^'Have you anything to say before sentence is pronounced against you?*' asked the Judge. "The only thing I'm kicldn' about," answered the convicted burglar, "19 bein' identified by a man that kept his head under the bedclothes the whole time. That's wrong." — "Oh. dear," exclaimed the society woman, "I feel so wretched, and this is my receiving day, too. I do hope no one will call, fo? I'll be in misery all the time." "Well," remarked her husband, facetiously, "I alway* understood that 'misery loves • company.' " 1 —"I say, Jane," said Mr Jones, looking up from his newspaper, and addresing his wife, "what do you think about the tragedy in the paper to-day? A whole family of ten has hef±n. butchered." "'I know who "butchered them," said little Elsie, the young hopeful. "Who?" queries Mr Jones. '"Mr Smith, the meat man, 'cause it says on hi» window, family butcher. ' " 1 — A tramp called _at the house of a gentleman and said : "Tve walked many J miles to see you, sir, because people told j me that you was very kind to poor men like me." — "Oh, they said so, did they?" — "Yes, sir; that's why I came." — "And are you going back the same way?" — "Yes, sir." — "Then, in that case, will you be good enough to contradict the rumour?" 1 — It was "at the London Lord Mayor's pageant. The spectacled" visitor, with catalogue in hand, approached one" of the characters, vrha, was wearing a toga and j smoking a short ilay, and said to him : "My gcod sir, are you Appius Claudius?" " 'Appy as who, guvnor?" was the reply. "No frn not; I'm as miserable as Mary ' Queen of Scots after her head was off.". — "Mark my words," declared Mrs ' Ferme, laying down the law to her long- j sufferinsf husband, "by the end of the century woman will have the -rights she is lighting for." "I shan't care if she has," replied Ferme. "Do you mean it?" cried his wife. "Have I at last brought you round to my wav of thinking? Won't you really care?" "Not a bit, my dear," returned her husband, resignedly 'TH be dead then." X ttou^bt. you Imkl. gone to r-^l&ua.^ bee 3," said the man from the city. "I don't see any sign of them, around here." "I had half a" dozen colonies of the finest bees I could get," answered the suburbanite, "and a whole library of literature on bee-raising, but they swarmed one day, and while I was looking through my books to find out what mi the proper thing to do when bees swarmed the blamed thinsrs flew away, and I've never seen 'em since." A PEW JABS. Jars of- jelly, jars of jam, Jars of potted beef and ham, Jars of early gooseberries nice. Jars of mincemeat, jaxs of spice; Jars of orange marmalade, Jaxs of pickles^ all home-made, I Jars of cordial elder wine, . I Jars of honey, superfine. "Would the only jaxa were these Thai 'Occur in families. • —The young man, with the unenfr hair and hungry look had submitted a poem for editorial consideration. "Weili" said? the man behind the blue pencil, after a'hurxied' glance at it, "how does thirty _ shillingsstrike ' you?" "Why— er— reafiy," stammered the rhvmeter, "that ia, moref -than I_ er ___ » "Well, that's the best I can do," interrupted' the busy editor. "F couldn't think of printing a poem like that for teas."' ' — John Bright, coming, out of the Beus«\ of Commons, after a hot debate on tho I erarae laws, met in the lobby, the .zrest

sportsman, the Hon. Grantley Berkeley, who had that night opposed him. "Mr Berkeley," said Mr Bright, "if you had not been a gentleman you would have been a poacher." "Mr Bright," replied Berkeley with emphasi?, "if you had not been born a Quaker you would most certainly V^ve been a prizefighter. ' — Dowr on a southern plantation the dairy hands were accustomed to do the milking squatting down in primitive fashion until ihc owner iutroduced the milking stools, with other improvements. But the initial experiment with the innovation waj not exactly a. success. The darky who first sailied forth with' the stool returned bruised and bettered, and with an empty pail. "Ah done m;i best, sah," he explained. "Dat stool looked all right ter me, "but de blamed cow she won't sit on it."

— A noted politician haa;-a facility 'or p epartee that he sometimes turns to good account. He was addressing a meeting on. one occasion, when a portly individual in ihe aucience, a large employer of labour. Interrupted him, charging him with "fattening on the aweat of tho people." Th« orator, slim and dapper, waited untiL perfect quiet replaced the commotion which this remark had made. Then he observed, calmly: — "I leave those present to decide which- of us is the more exposed to that charge."

— The young curate, who was said to b«» rather "sweet -an tie attractive school*mistress, was paring: a, ■rasifc to the school. Aftev questioning the children on varionssubjects, he said; with a patronising-: smile : . "Now; DGys and girls, is there any question you would' like 'to ask me before I go away?" Instantly one little girl held up her hand. "Please, six," she said, in response to an encouraging nod, "mother says teacher can turn -.you round' her little finger, and we woulH like very much, to see her doing il."

— "Ma faither's , a sojer/' said a little Scottish lassie to her playmate. "And so is ma faither, tae," replied the other. "Ah, but ma faither's been, in the war, and he's got a hale lot o' medals, and he's got the> Victoria Cros3, and the Queen pinned it on wi' he'- am hand," said No. 1. '3sut ma faither *e braver," said the other. "He's been in dizens o' wars, and he'e lots o* medals and Victoria Crosses, and he*s -got a rale wudden leg," and with a triumphant air she added, "and the Queen nailed' it on wi' her am hand."

, — Jone» was one of those conceited, .make* helieve bold hunters, and was always, spinning his yarns about his experiences in Africa, and he generally wound up by saving he never yet saw a lion he feared. One night, after he had finished yarning, be wm a little taken aback by one of Ms audience, who said: "That's nothing. I have l*m down end actually slept among lions in their wild, natural state." "I don't believe that I'm no fool," said the bold hunter. "Itfa the truth, though." "You slept among lions in their wild, natural state?" "Yes. I certainly did." "Can you prove it? Were they African?" "Well, not exactly Afiican lions. They were dandelions."