FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2509, 16 April 1902, Page 59

FUN AND FANCY.

— '"He said he'd like to kiss me." — '"Yes?"' — "And I was up m arm> agam-t his cheek directly." — The people who help us mo>t are tho^e who make light of our achievements and have faith in our possibilities. — "That man Smithers is a clever fellow. He can write with either hand.'" — " I- that .so? How does he do it';" — "One a typewriter." — Mrs Gocdsale : "To .vhat do you atuibut& your appetite for strong drink v Is it hereditary?"" Wragson Tatters: "No, ladj ! it's thirst." — " Ah, old man ! I hear you've had an addition to your family.''— " Yes, two." — "Not twins''" — "Oh, no: the baby and my wife's mother!" — Confirmed.— Mrs A. : " Did you say your husband liked those clinging go\uis?" Mrs B. : " Yes, he likes one to cling to me for about two seasons." — Between Friends — Nellie : " Charlie says I grow more beautiful every time he sees me." Maude: "If that's the ca^e you ought to make him call twice a day." — Defined.— " Strategy in war," explained the Irish military instructor, "is whin ye don't let the inimy discover that the ammunition is run out, "but just kape on firing." — Jaggs: "Doctor, my wife has insomnia very bad. She often remains awake until 2. or 3 o'clock in the morning. What shall Ido for her?" Doctor: "Go home earlier." —In Proof.— Sdhoolmastoi< : "Are you sure you understand what is meant by ' appellation?'" Pupil: "Oh, yes ! It's like when the fellers call Tommy Smith • Mugsy.' " — Teacher: "Have animals a capacity for affection?" Class: "Nearly all." Teacher: '" Correct Now, what animal possesses the greatest attachment for man?" Little Girl: "" Woman." — Claia: "Jack intends to ha\e e\crything his own way when we are mained." Clara's Mamma: "Then why do you marry him?" Clara: "To relieve ni> mind of a fal^e impression." — M 'Jigger: "That's a funny thins." Thingumbob: " What is?" >1 "Jigger : " Miss Passey was an old maid before «he married, and now that her hut-band is dead she has become a young widow. — Oh, mamma," said httlo Bessie. " I found a gweat. big clam shell on the beach." ""And was there a clam m it?" asked her mother. " No," replied Bessie, I des-> he falldcd out and got dwound." —As Described. — " Are you working — have you an engagement now ':" asked the elastic-skinned man of the lning skeleton. " No," replied tho other freak, " I am what is known as 'an idle curiosity.' " — Sized Up — " A man is known by his works." declared the irrepressible reformer, who was addressing a large and enthusiastic audience. " Your-> must be a gasworks!" shouted a rude uncultuied per-on who occupied a back .seat. — " Boon shooting to-day?" — "Yes," said the amateur, with the wild, apprehensive look in his eye "Hove you hit anything" "I don't know yet. I'm waiting for tho rest of the party t<> get into camp, so that we can call the roll." — " Tl.ese doctors are all frauds. They all say that a good laugh is healthful. T know hotter." "Been experimenting"'" "Yes. The governor fell downstairs this morning and I had a good lau^li. Now I cannot sit down without pain." -Bolter Off.— ' Dear me!" exclaimed the man who had been ostentatiously- fishing for his tram fare. "I'\o lost my la-t penny. I'm not as well off as I thought I was." " No," replied the wise conductor, as ho rang the bell to stop, "but you're really better off " — Might Be Worse. -Practical Father: "I am told that young man who comes to see you wriros poetry?" Daujrhtei : " Yo=, father, ho does." Father: "Ha' Publishes it. too, I suppose"'" Daughter- "No one will r-i-int it." "Then there is s-ome hope for him — Similarly. — " You were very patient beforo «.• were married." he remarked com-plainnip-ly. "Yes." she admitted "You're \prv patient, too. when you're sitting on tho bonk of a stream trying to get a fish, but your patience doc-nt continue after you have landed it." — A vulgar fop tailed to a bootblack to polish hit shoes and «howerod Aituporatnc epithets upon him for hi* slow no--, till at lait the little follow "-topped hi- work and, looking up, exclaimed: "See heie. im-.t»r. 'iain't no use to work on vmir --hoc-, till 'i mcb')dy poluhi— your tonir.ii 1 ff an S and an I and ,v» O *• « i « ' a L T , With an X at the onci, spell Su ; And an E and <i V and an E >pell I, Pray what l* a speller to do Then, if nho an S and an I and a G And an H E D spoil oido. Tbores nothing mvi li left for a spoiler to do But to go and commit siouxoyesighcd. — A good «tory is told of a \iMt paid by an American to t'»e Niagara t-kating-nnk in London not long ago He watched the skateis for »ome time, and then turned to his companion " Wa'al, he said. "I've seen our Niagara, and now I've seen ynuri Our show is very fine and imposing, but I guei-s your falls arc more amusing." — " Why due ye no buy your meat off me noo'-" a^ked a Glasgow butcher of one of bis old customers who had recently taloon to dealing with an opposition shop. " Wppl," replied the old woman, '' the last I got frao y.^ I fould hae soled ma buits hi' it." "An' v. by did ye no' dae it?" asked the butcher, sarcastically. "So I wid if I could hao got I.icks tae gang iluougli't. Colljp->e >>f butcher.