FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2325, 22 September 1898, Page 49

FUN AND FANCY.

— " Well." exclaimed Pat, as the cannon ball blew off both his legs, " that's a greatsaving in shoe leather, sure !" The Test. — He : " Your dearest friend told me all about you yesterday, Marie." She:- "And you -still love me?" Father : " Has my daughter encouraged you at all?" Suitor : " Well— er— she told me you owned a row of houses." — An old lady, hearing somebody say the mall was very irregular, said : "It was so in my young days ; no trusting any of 'em." If you want to place a small boy in a spot where you will be sure to find him five minutes later, put him in the pantry. — " There are ways and ways of breaking the ice," said the diner-out. " I once took a girl out to dinner, whoso first remark to me was : 'Do you talk or listen?' " — A Western Episode. — Stranger: "There isn't a chap known as Rustler Rube hanging around here, is there?" Native : " No ; he was cut down this morning." — Teacher: "Can anybody tell -me why the multiplication table stops at 12?" Son of a Superstitious Parent : " 'Cause ma says it's unlucky to have 13 at a table." — Lived To Tell It.— Young Wife: "But aren't you the young man I gave some cake to on Monday?" Tramp: "Yes, mum, but thank 'Ewin I've got over it." — Mamma : " I don't understand how ifc is, Willie, that you are at the bottom of your class." Willie: "I don't understand it myself ;- but I- know it's dreadful easy." — Papa : " Well, did the photographer succeed in making the baby look- pleasant?' Mamma': " No ; the baby succeeded in making the photographer look unpleasant." — A little girl of four, standing entranced btfore the window of a toy shop : " Oh, mother ! if you was my little girl, wouldn't I take you in and buy you some of those lovely tl-ings!" — -" The war began the very day we were lr.iiTied," said Honeymoon at the club. — " I reckon that every married couple can truthfully say the same thing," snapped the crusty old bachelor. — "I wonder," said the Garrulous Boartier, "why they speak of Truth being at the bottom of a well?" — "Because," said the Cheerful Idiot, " it often can be got at only by long pumping." — Mistress : "I should like to know what bus Jr. ess that policeman has in my kitchen every night in the week?" Cook: "Please, mum, I think he's suspicious of me neglecting my work, or somethinV — The Voice of Experience. —Edith : "Oh, Ethel, what shall I do? Jack says jhe supposes it is all over between us and that he'll send my presents back." Ethel (experienced): "Tell him to bring them." — " Do you ever try to tell people by the clothes they wear?" — " Occasionally. For instance, if I see a man with a blue suit on, a helmet on his head, and a baton in his hand I'm willing to bet lie's a policeman." — "Ts there any bicycling at Dawson City?" asked Wheeler. — "You bet," eaid the returned Klondyker. "And it's the finest in the world ; the air freezes so it can't escape when the tyres are punctured !" — Stage Manager (to lessee of theatre) : ■" Our scene-shifter wants a holiday. He says he hasn't been away for three years." Lessee: "Well, tell him he cannot have one. He gets change of scenery enough vt^

— Mother : " I gave each of you boys an orange. Charlie, you said you wouldn't eat yours till after dinner. And you, Jack, said the same. Have you deceived me?" Charlie : '' No, mother ; we didn't eat our own oranges. I ate Jack's, and he ate mine." — "Any war news?" inquired a bystander on a railway station of a farmer (a Scotchman), who was reading his paper, just received by the evening train. "Weel," was the reply, " I see wheat's doon to 3s 3d a bushel ; I dinna ken ony waur news than that." — Mrs Bridely (in tears): "Oh, John! How can you scold me so? You know you often said before our marriage that you de-lighted-in cleanliness." Mr Bridely (grimly) : "So I do. But I draw the line on paying for a woman to scrub the bottom of the coalscuttle just before the coal is put in." — Griffin (telling his lady-love — the latest — a veiy interesting yarn about an illness he once had) : " Yes, it was a bad time, I assure you. Do you know at one period I thought I should lose my mind entirely !" Lady-love (meekly) : " And did you, Mr Griffin?" He didn't quite like her question, though she did ask it so prettily. — " Doctor," said a man to his medical attendant, who had just presented a small bill of 35s for treatment during a recent illness, " I have not much ready money. Will you take this out in trade?" — " Oh, yes," cheerfully answered the doctor, " I think we can arrange that. But what is your business?" — " lam a cornet player," was the startling reply. — A Familiar Subject. — Wife (after returning from church) : " You should have been in church this morning. We had a , beautiful sermon." Husband : " I'll bet > you can't repeat the text." Wife : " Yes, I can. It -was the tenth verse of the sixteenth chapter of Ezekiel — ' I girded thee about with fine linen and I covered thee with silk.'" Husband: "Huh! It is nc wonder you remember it." — Algie : 'Bai Jove, Awchie, you dc i look pawly. Whatevah is the mattah?" | Archie : " Aw, deah boy. I'm growing a mustache, dear boy, and it gwows so beastly awfully wapidly fast that it Scips me stwenth, deah boy !"