FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2170, 26 September 1895, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

- — If excuses bad a money value, some men would be wealthy. — Hard as Ifc Is to climb up in the world, It racka us a good deal worse to climb down SRain. Jones : "Do you think that 6trawfl ghow which way tho wind blows ? '" Robinion : " Straw hats do." . It happens frequently that the prophet who i> without honour in his own oountry can't afford to go abroad. « — Teacher : " For what wise purpose was tbe duck created with a web foot ? " Diok Hicks ; " Bozo he could 6tand on one leg and go to sleep. — His Honor : " You are charged with stealing chickens. Have you any witnesses ?" Mouldy Miko : " I have not. I don't usually ■teal chickens before witnesses." — " At any rat*," said a philosopher, " when women sit in Parliament you won't hear any more of that • I pause for a reply ' chestnut. They won't pause." — Mamma : " Willie, where are those apples gone that were in the •toreroom ? " Willie : " They are with the ginger that was in tLe cupboard." — Precautionary.— Burglar (just acquitted, to his lawyer) : " I will shortly call on you to settle up, j-ir." " Very good ; but in the day time, please." — "Ia the colonel through with his speech yet i »» — •« Yea ; he's now tiptoeing off the gtag«." — " Why does he do that 1 " — " Doesn't want to wake up tbe audience." — A True Pniloßopher. — " There's one comfort," said the philosopher, when his wages were reduced, " whtn I'm laid up ill in future I shan't lose bo much money." — Mrs Tanks : " There, you'Te got the hiccoughs again." Tanks (hleepily): " That's it. Woman are so sharp at finding out a thing. How did you— hio— know it ? " — - "In the economy of Nature," gays a philosopher, " nothing is lost. The inside of an orange may refresh one man, while the outside of the same fruit may serve as the medium for breaking another man's leg." — Keeps Things Moving.—" Why was tho bee seleoted aB a model of industry 1 " aeked TUlingbource.' '" Because busineas with him is always humming," replied Gildtrileevc. — Not S-'lfisb.— " Wny do you and Bobby quarrel so m«ch 1 I hope my Willie U not a Belfish little boy." — " No, mamma, I'm not eelfish, bnt Bobby is. He always wants to play the games I don't want to." — A Touch of Nature.—" What perfect sympathy there is between Mrs Plainface and her daughter." — " I should thick so 1 How could Bhe help sympathising with a daughter who looked like her ?" ■ — Downton : " Here comes Binkcrs. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death." Upton : " Well, here cornea a neighbour of mine who hag a new dcg. Let'B introduce them to each other, and leave them to their fate." — " Can anybody in the crowd change a £5 note ? " asked the Cheap Jack. " I cm," laid somebody In the crowd. " Very well. Give me the change, and I'll go and see if I can borrow a £5 note." Bat nobody trusted him. — The Husb*ud (on his death-bet 3) : " My darling, when I am gone how will you ever be able to pay the doctor's bills ? " The Wife: "Don't worry about that, dear. If the worst comes to the worst, I can marry the doctor, you know." — Among the questions sent out by a school examiner was the following example in arithmetic : " If one horpe can run a mile in loiin 50? Ec, and another a mile in 2min, how far would the first horse be ahead in a^ match race of two miles ? " A teacher returned tbe question with this attached : "I will have nothicg to do with horseracing." — Lord Brassey told a good story against himself at St. Martin's Town Hall. One day bi» lordship bad spoken at Harrow, at a meeting in support of Dr Barnardo'B Homes. After the meeting he started to walk back to London, and came up to four little girls who had been at the meeting. " What did you think of Lord Brassey I " said one. " I thought be was a nice gentleman," said soother. " I didn't," said another ; "he can't speak a bit — he humni'd and haa'd all the time." — There are some very funny young fellows in Paris, and many of them like nothing better than to play their jokea on entire strangers. One youth walking along one of tbe largest business streets one day, saw before a clothing shop a great placard, statiDg that the concern had 100,000 overcoats ! for sale. Entering the shop, the joker asked the man in charge if he were very busy. •' No," replied the salesman. " What can I do for you ? " "I see," said the jester, " that yon have 100,000 overcoats for sale, and I thought I'd like to try them on."

A severe iheumatic pain in the left shoulder bad troubled Mr J. H. Loper, a well-known druggist of Dea Moines, lowa, for over six month*. At times the pain w«s so severe that fee could not lift auyfching. With all he could do he could uofc geb rid of it until he applied Cb&mberUin's Pain Balm. " I only made three applications of it," he says, "and have since been free from all pain." He now recommends it to persons similarly afflicted. It is for Mle by all leading obemists,