FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2105, 28 June 1894, Page 39

FUN AND FANCY.

— Many an orator proves that it is not impossible to mix the oil of eloquence with the water of a very weak argument.

— Strange, that when a person happens to have deep feelings he tries to hide them, but, possessing none, pretends that he has.

— Miss Broadf oot : " Under the circumstances, what would you do if you were in my shoes ? " Mi6B Tinytoes : •• Get lost."

— It is easy enough to say that you wish your enemy no evil, but wait until something happens to him and see if you can help feelIng glad. — Oa6toms Officer : " Have you anything to declare 1 " Mr Bonanza (from America) : " Wai, I declare that this is the worst passage I've ever had across."

— Didn't Want to Exercise his Jaws. — Waiter: " The usual steak, Bir ?" Regular Customer : " No ; lam tired to-night. Bring me a plate of hash." — Just to Ohanga the Subject.— Jess : <f How do yon suppose he came to propose to me?" Bess: "Got tired of talking about the weather probably." — The average man's indignation against the contemptible sneak who palmed off a bad sovereign on him never cools until ha has passed it on to some one else. — Clerk : "My wife has presented me with a little boy, sir." Absent-minded Employer : "« Boy 1 Well, if he is a smart lad bring him here ; we want an office-boy 1 " $. _ Doubleday : " Mißs Twilling rejected me the other night, but she let me kiss her before we parted." Podmore (reflecting): "Did she 7 I'll go round to-night and propose myself."

— " Whatever bscame of that greyhound you had ? " " Killed himself." " Really ? " " Yes ; tried to catch a fly on the small cf bis back and miscalculated. Bit himself in two." — Young Mother: "Baby is somewhat cross to-day. He is teethirg." Bachelor (in great awe of the mite of humanity): "A*.d when do you expect him to ccommencee — cr — hairing?" — Grubb : " I think your boy will become a very distinguished man if he lives long enough." "Yes? What do you think he will be distinguished for ? " " Longevity— if he lives long enough." —In Birmingham. — Newspaper Boy : " Extra I Extra i Terrible loss of life ! Full list o' th' killed an' wounded 1 " Enthusiast : "Here boy, quick I Give me a paper. Wbioh football match was it 1 "

— Mistress : •' You must really break off that dreadful habit, Babette, of always wanting to have the last word." French Maid: "But how am I to know, ma'am, that you have nothing more to Bay 2 " — Jamson t "Do you believe in second sight 1 " Hardup (sadly) : " I'm sorry to say that I do. I picked up a coin the other 'day, and thought it was a half-sovereign ; but at second sight I found it was a farthing 1 " — A few nights ago a woman delivered a lecture on " How a Family of Five May Live on a Pound a Week." Next morning she asked her husband for 30s for the purchase of marketing for two days for a family of four. .*. *

— He Was Not Interested.— Wife : " What are you reading ? " Husband : " A book of • Don'ts for Mauled People.' " " What does It say husbands are to avoid," "Haven't noticed. lam reading the ♦ Don'ts' for wives."

— Biassed.— Bob : " Dick, do you believe in putting a tax on bachelors?" Dick: ••Rather — give it to 'em— nail em to the mast I They've no business to be having so much easier a time than us poor married wretches."

— A few years ago there was a man in Devonshire who had six or seven very corpulent daughters. When asked how many children he had, his answer was generally something of this kind : " I have three boy?, and about 13cwt of girls."

— A Young Quibbler. — Aunt Jane : " Rob, dear, won't you try to be a nice goosl boy to-day 1 " Rob : " I will, aunty, for a penny." Aunt Jane : " Why, Rob t You want pay for being good 1 " Rob : " Well, aunty, dear, you wouldn't have me good for nothing, would you ? "

— Newcome : " I hear that while you were round at Miss Redbnd's the other night you broke a chair." Orawley: "Yes, and her father wanted me to pay for it." Newcome : «• What did you tell him ? " Orawley : " I told him that it was as much her fault as it was mine."

- Wouldn't Do for the Business.— Grocer : " The boy you recommended won't do at all." Customer: "What has he been up to?" Grocer : " I gave him a notice to stick up, "All the Delicaoies of the Season Will be Found Inßide,' and he pasted it on the rubbish barrel."

— A Sad Case " Have you heard of the gad misfortune that has befallen our friend, Blobbs 1 " "No I What is the

matter 7 Why, only last night he j lined us at supper, well and hearty, as usual 1 " " Yes, and to-day, only twelve hours afterwards, he was married." — Her Test. — " I once endeavoured in

vain," writes a well-known wit, " to persuade a very charming young lady at dinner to take a second glass of champagne. 'No,' she said, 'I have had enough,' 'Bat how do you know you have bad enough.' 7 'When I find myself saying to myself, " Now what was that he said to me last ? ' " was her intelligent reply. — Poetical Longlocfcs says; "The profusion and colour of her hair would lead one to look upon it as though it was spun by the nimble fingers of the €asy hours as they glided through brigb.t; June days, whose eunny rays of light had been caught in the . meshes and were content to go no farther." Practical Jack expresses the same thirjg by saying : " Her hair is awfully red."