FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2004, 21 July 1892, Page 37

FUN AND FANCY.

— Cheating : When others get the best of you in a bargain. — A Swindling Concern : The rich company in which you are not interested. — A clock should never be placed at the head of the stairs ; it is so apt to run down. — Snagsby: "Poor Smith hasn't a friend in the world." Swiveller : " How did he lose his money ? " — A bachelor has been described as a man who never has to answer questions he does not want to answer. — Mother : "Ah I now you're a little man." Fred (in trousers for the first time) : " And now, ma, can't I call father Harry 1 " —At Sea. — She : " And why is a ship called • she ' ? " He : " Ay, ma'am I because the rigging costs so much." — Johnny : "Ma is this hair oil in this bottle ? " " No, Johnny, liquid glue. Why do you ask ? " "I couldn't make out, Ma, why I couldn't get my hat off " — Miss Smilax : " My, what a bouncing baby that is I " Baby's Brother : " Yes'm, it ought to bounce. It's just B wallowed a rubber ball." — The man who is always anticipating happiness to-morrow is, at all events, a good deal better off than the man who spends his time thinking how wretched he was the day before yesterday. — A north-country editor has invented a new way of stirring up delinquent subscribers. He writes obituary notices of them, assuming that they must be dead, since he does not hear from thorn. — One of the medical journals devotes a great deal of space to explaining what causes cold perspiration. Any man who has gone up a dark lane and stepped on a dog would be wasting valuable time in reading it. — One must admire the firmness of an absentee Irish landlord. "Stop where you are," he wrote to his agent, " and if my tenants think they will alarm me by threatening to shoot you they little know the man they, have to deal with." — " Surely, Tommy, you haven't drunk baby's milk ? " " Well, mother, I asked her three times if she minded, and as she didn't answer, I " (baby is just three months old.) — " How is that little mining scheme of yours getting along? Any money in it?" " Any money in it 1 Well I should say so 1 Ail of mine, all of my wife's, and about 3000 that I got from my friends." — His Way of Looking at it. — Moneylots : " Look here, Sam ; I told you never to wear those trousers I gave you on week-days, when I am wearing the coat and waistcoat of the suit"." Sam: "Why, boss? Is jo' 'fraid we will be taken fo' twins 1 " — A gentleman travelling in the Isle of Wight on horseback suddenly drew up, and inquired of a country lad : "Is this the way to Ryde, my boy 1 " "No replied the urchin " tuck in yec 'eeles and stick yer knees out more." — At a history examination recently, one little girl, in answer to a question requiring important events occurring in certain years, wrote : " 1496.— TLe Cape of Good Hope was made much bigger." On referring to the text-book the teacher found that " Diaz doubled the Cape of Good Hope in 149 G." — The following is a specimen of Western eloquence : " Where is Europe compared with America ? Nowhar. Where is EDgland 1 Nowhar.—^Chey call England the mistress of the sea, but what makes the sea ? The Mississippi makes it, and all we've got to do is to turn the Mississippi into the Mammoth Cave and the British Navy will be floundering in the mud." — Too Strong for the Dish. — Mrs Hendrick3, the landlady (complacently) : " Yes ; it is an exquisite butter dish, I think. Best Venetian glass, and so delicate that I am in constant torments for fear the servants may break it. It was a present." Cakeley : " I should think you would be afraid to put this butter in it." — Not altogether Eeckless. Wife : " John, dear what would you do if I were to die ? " Husband : " Don't speak of &uch a thing. I should be desperate." "Do you think you would marry again?" "Well, no. I don't tbini I should be as desperate as that." A well-known English peer, now travelling in America, writes to a friend that at a dinner party over there he noticed the little daughter of his host eyeing him most intently. Later on she remarked, " And you are really and truly an English lord ? " " Yes, really and truly, my dear." " I have often thought I should like to see an English lord," Bhe went on, "and " "Well, and now you are satisfied at last?" put in the peer. «• No," replied the trathful infant, " I'm not satisfied, I'm much disappointed."

A WINTER THOUGHT. With icy beard and snow-flaked hair The'winter God sweeps through the air, While from his freezing breath Chill winds are blown, and as they pass, On tree, and shrub, and tender grass Are marked the signs of death. Upon the mountain's highest crest Old frost, the monarch, takes his rest, And gazes o'er the land ; His binding spell o'er earth he throws, And every little stream that flows He holds within his hand. All Summer's flowers, thab erst had graced The earth's fair bosom, warm and chaste, Now dead and withered lie ; And over Nature's dreary grave The fitful tempests howl and rave With sad funereal cry. —John M'Combe. Roxburgh, July 1892.