FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1892, 15 May 1890, Page 42

FUN AND FANCY.

— Hogs, being liter-ary animals, are naturally at home in their pens.

— Doubtless, to beard the lion in his den would make the lioness whisker tail.

— First Needle : " How's the world using you 7 " Second Ditto : " 0 sew, sew."

— The goat may not be the most sagacious of animals, but he gets in a great deal of head work.

— She : " I visit this spot annually." He : " Are your stays long 7 " She : " Sir I 1 thought you were a gentleman."

— An unpoetical German has described ladies' lips as " the glowing gateways of beans, pork, sauerkraut, and potatoes."

— A recent sufferer says he does not believe that any great deed was ever accomplished by a man with a cold in his head.

— " What is the first thing to be done in case of fire 7 " asked the professor. " Sue the insurance company," promptly answered the boy at the foot of the class, whose father had been burned out once or twice.

— We commend the following Eussian proverb to the attention of those who think of marrying. " Before going to war, pray once ; before going to sea, pray twice ; before getting married, pray three times."

— Alf Spooner (to Florrie'fi little brother) : "How do you like your new neighbours, Tommy 7 " Tommy (a bit stuck-up) : " Common people. Little boy's mother only paid two pounds for her teeth, and I know Florrie's cost five guineas I "

— Young Mr O'Donovan, (native born, to his father, of foreign extraction) i " Don't yer go deceivin' yerselt by thinkin' I'm a cryin' 'cause yer licked me, for I ain't. I'm all upset at bein' struck by a furriner, an' not bein' able to strike back ! — American paper.

—Teacher (to class in chemistry) : " What is gas?" [No reply.] Teacher (sharply): " Can none of you tell me what gas is 7 " [Plumber's boy, in back seat, raises his hand.] Teacher : " Well, Johnny, what is gas ? " Plumber's Boy : " Gas is 4s a thousand feet,

ma'am."

— Fair Yachtswoman (enthusiastically) : " Was ever anything more delightful 7 The air so fresh and sweet; the sky so clear and blue. Could anything make one feel brighter or livelier 7 " Old Salt (dogmatically) : "Aye, aye, mum, the furst mate with a rope's-end." — Young Eligible: "What a beautiful house your father has given to your elder sister on her marriage 1 If, is just the sort. I should like." Young Miss Blushington : " Did you notice the two by the side of it." " Yes, they were almost counterparts of it." " They are, Mr Eligible, and us other two girls go with them." — No Doubt About It. — (A small boys' class in natural history.) Professor : " Animals that have no feet and crawl along the ground are called reptiles. Who can give me an example of a reptile 7 " Young Brown : " A worm." Professor : " Excellent. Now, will some boy think of a second reptile 7 " Young Jones : " Another worm I "

— -Togg : " And so you have got a first-rate servant ? What paper did you advertise in 7 " Fogg : " Didn't advertise in any. My wife told Mrs Gray we wanted a girl, but made her promise not to tell anybody." " Well ? " "Well, we had the door-bell ringing for a fortnight from morning till night. No less than a hundred applications for the place."

— On a sultry summer's day, when thunder and hail showers had prevailed in the early morning, a wedding party came to the church from a distant parish. When the register had been signed, tho vicar asked the bridegroom, " Have you had any hail this morninfj 7 " The wmi blushed aiirl hesitated, but f>l/longl.li replied, "Well, sir, we did just have a glass apiece afore we starred." — A French correspondent,, in a letter from London, sa-* s thai he was run over by a hansom while attempting to cross Victoria street. The wheel of the vehicle passed over his arm and was within an inch of crushing his head. With great difficult} he managed to scramble on to the pavement, when the driver disdainfully called out, "What are you doing under my cab ? " and drove away, evidently out of temper. — " Yes," said Mrs Oatchem ; " those are my daughters over there on the sofa. They have half a million between them." It was not until they were married to those daughters that the young men who overheard the remark found out that Mrs Catchem referred to the rich old codger who sat on the sofa between the girls. Mrs Catchem couldn't tell a fib, but she knew how to speak the truth advantageously. — Life Insurance Agent (out West) : " What did Mr Newcomer say ? " Assistant : "He wouldn't talk with me at all ; said he was too busy to talk about life insurance." "Well, I'll bang about his house to-Right, and shoot holes through his windows, and when he comes down in the morning you be behind the fence in some vacant field, and put a few balls through the top of his hat. Then, when he reaches office, I'll drop in and talk life insurance again.