EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 1892, 15 May 1890, Page 42

EDITOR'S WALLET.

The Tale of a Wag.

He was a wag. You could tell it at once, from the merry twinkle in his eye. And he had a deep furrow on either side of his mouth from laughing at his own jokes. And, as if that was not enough, to avoid every possibility of a mistake, he used to wear his hat on one side. So, altogether, there was no doubting it — he was a wag of the deepest dye. He is in the hospital now, poor young fellow ! It was like this. They had just formed a scientific society at Killiburn, and the wag came to hear of it, and, just to show what a wag he was, he wrote them, offering to read a scientific paper before their society. His offer was accepted with thanks. Apparently they did not know they were dealing with a wag. The following Wednesday night, the hall was crowded to overflowing, and as the clock struck 8 the •wag mounted the platform amid considerable applause. He at once sat down, and, after drinking half a glass of water, produced a newspaper and calmly began to read it to himself.

Some 10 minutes had passed in this way, without the lecturer so much as opening his mouth, when the audience began to show their impatience in such an unmistakeable manner that the wag thought fit to rise and make a statement.

" Ladies and gentlemen," he said, " I have fulfilled my promise. I offered to come down to Killiburn and read a scientific paper. This I have done. The paper I have been reading is the Scientific News."

And then he began to descend the steps of the platform, with a smile upon his lips. The smile did not stay there long, though. Some people cannot see a joke. The Killiburn people couldn't. The wag's present address is " The Infirmary, Killiburn." He is getting on as well as could be expected — under the circumstances. — Judy.

Impromptu JUiyining.

Many queer instances of verses composed and uttered on the spur of the moment have been recorded. Sometimes clever satire, broad and even grotesque humour, apt and telling repartee, or even verses rising to the height of true poetry, have been struck out upon accidental occasions. One evening at a party one of the guests, a loud talker who despised poets, stated that he could give a word to which no one could tack a rhyme. This was said in the hearing of a poet in the assembly who asked for the word.

" Di-do-dum," replied the challenger. The problem was at once solved (the reference being to the Queen of Carthage mourning for the beloved JEneas, who had forsaken her) :

When Oido's lover would not to Dido come,

Dido was speechless, and was Dido dumb. The poet scored, and the laugh was turned against the scoffer. A party of literati was one evening held at Sir Joshua Reynolds' house. Bishop Percy, who had rescued from comparative oblivion and modernised the " Old English BalladB," was present. The conversation turned upon the Bishop's versification. Dr Johnson, who was one of the company, Fneered afc tho rhymes an being simple and commonplace. " I could rhyme as well myKulf in oidinary conversation," observed the Doctor, in hi.s blunt fashion : and he at once proceeded to do so.

In order that tho reader may appreciate the accuracy of tho parody on Uie ihyllim as well as the rhymcH, we will fitht, quol« Hie two opening vorncs of one ol Uie ballad;-, " Chevy Chase " : Lol yonder doth Karl Dongas come, His men in armour bright ; Full twenty hundred Scotlinli spears All marching In our eight. AH men of pleasant Teviot Dale, Hard by the Elver Tweed ; " Ho ! Cease your sport," Karl Percy cried, " And take your bows with (speed. 1 "Now," said Dr Johnson, "I can do ah well as that, for example : " As with my hat upon my head I walked into the Strand, I there did meet another man With his hat in his hand. "Or," continued the Doctor, "to make the rhyme subservient to our own purpose" (turning to Miss lleynolds, who prefaided at the tea table) : " I therefore pray thee, Kenny dear, Thnt thou would'et give to me, With cream i\nd sugar Doftened well,

Another dish of U'* 1 " Nor fear, my gentle ruuiil, that I Will loi'g detain the cup, When ou' c unto the bottom I Have drunk the liquor up. " Fur hear, ivl.is ! the dreadful truth. Nor heir it with a fiow 11Thou cui^l- not make the tea so fast As I can gulp it down." Au'l ■-0 V- continued for several verses unii' «l." . • r nd critic was glad to cry for qmirttr.

f In passing it may be noticed that Dr Johnson's confession as to his liking for tea was not exaggerated. On one occasion he ii J was imbibing plentifully of the "cup that cheers but not inebriates," when a gentleman remarked :

"Why, doctor, you have drunk 13 cups of tea ! "

"Sir," rejoined Dr Johnson, "I did not count your glasses of wine."

The retort of Dr Watts to the two students in Edinburgh is worth recalling. The worthy author of the famous hymns was, like Zacchseus, little of stature. Passing along the street, one day, two tall young fellows, students, saw him. One asked the other : " Who is that 1 " "Why, that is the famous Dr Watts." "What 1 That little insignificant man Dr Watts ? "

He spoke a little too loudly. The Doctor overheard him, and, turning sharply round, retorted in impromptu verse : " Were I so tall to reach the pole, Or grasp the ocean with my span, I would be measured by my eoul— The mind's the standard of the man."

In the old days in country villages the occupation of barber was often combined with that of surgeon (there is a company of barber-surgeons in London), and the pole, striped red and white, generally exhibited outside the shop, had reference to this combination of the two callings.

A barber once asked' Dean Swift to write a motto as a sign for his business, he having combined with that of barber the trade of a beer-seller.

The Dean's impromptu ran thus : " Rove not from pole to pole, but step in here, Where naught excels the shaving but the beer."

The following lines are attributed to a prisoner, who wrote on the walls of his cell many years ago : " Could I with ink the ocean fill, Were earth of parchment made, Were every blade of grass a quill, Each man a scribe by tradeTo write the love of God above Would drain the oceau dry ; Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Though stretched from sky to sky."

An Awkwabd Predicament. — A rich German wished to show his appreciation of a great friend of his, a celebrated poet, and to carry out his intention he gave a dinner in his honour. There were, of course, a great many people present, all admirers of Herr N , the poet. Dinner being over, some guests of a poetical turn of mind begged Herr N , in glowing terms, to read some of the poems. After a little protestation he yielded, but the host was observed to show great uneasiness, the cause of which became apparent when Herr N 's poems were called for. Alas 1 the rich man had not a copy of his dear friend's works. There was great consternation and much secret laughter among the company. However, the host was equal to the trying occasion. He sent his servant out to get the book — not to the bookseller's, though, but to the circulating library.

Splitting on His Relatives,— No more odious creature dwells on the surface of this planet than the juvenile chatterbox whose tongue is always on the wag, and who, whether in public or in private, has some impertinent remark to utter upon every passing event. In the recesses ot his home his interpellations do not so much matter, but when let loose in the omnibus, or the railway carriage, his effrontery knows no bounds, and brings many a blush to the cheeks of his disgusted guardian. One such youth was iately on the fidget and the rampage in a public vehicle. " Sit down," said his mamma. " Sha'n't," was the ready answer.

" Willie, I shall tell your father."

" How can you when he's run away, and nobody knows where he is?" replied the unfilial wretch.

Then the young demon commenced tampering with the window. " Willie, I shall have to punish you." "If you do I'll tell that grandpa was run in by a bobby." " Willie, come here ! " " No fear, mother." "You are a naughty boy, and I shall not let you come out with me again I " " Yes, you will, or I'll tell that the reason pa run away is because Mr Davis came to our house so much."

This unexpected bombshell completely floored the miserable mother, and the untamed cub was permitted to range around till at last nature kindly demanded repose. Yet ere he finally closed his eyes he fired a Parthian shot by exclaiming :

"Mind you wake mo up when we got to grandma'fi. I want to hear her swear and take on because pa turned her out of doors last summer."

Di-'KJ; ok Poutunkhh.- Old Jmlgo Fori)ul<l, of Santa Uailnnn, lias Mio reputation of being Uie politest man in California. Ho ricvfi lobp.s an opportunity to <10/F liin lial, or lo olVor f-onKi blight jillcnUon to wayfaring man ;iiid women. Ono day, a.s he was about to laku the I lain for Han Francisco, ho inched tho rear s(ep of the last carriage ju.M, aa il, waH approached by a young priest. " After tho cloth," said tho chivalric judge, alepping back with a courtly bow. " Grey hairs have the preference," returned the prieht, with a splendid wave of the hand.

" The Church always has precedence," retorted the judge, taking another backward Btep, hat in hand. " The Church follows in the footsteps of tho Fathers," replied the priest, bowing low and indicating the way to the step. The duel of politeness was not half through, neither yielding an inch, when the train pulled out, leaving both bowing and smiling on the platform.

The Bill Was Doubled.— Dr M'Lane of the College of Physicians and Surgeons carries beneath his professional dignit.y an inexhaustible store "of wit, humour, and anecdote, says the New York Star. In a parlour, one evening this week, the conversation chanced to fall upon Dr Willard Parker, and lie told the following story :

" Yvl.eu Dr Parker was just beginning his famous career he was sent for by a rich but avaricious man, wlio had dislocated his jaw. The young .surgeon promptly put the member in place,

" ' What is your bill, doctor 1 ' asked the patient. " ' Fifty dollars, sir.'

" ' Great heavens 1 '

" And the man opened his mouth so wide as to dislocate his jaw a second time. Dr Parker again put things to rights. " « What did you say your bill was 1 ' again asked the patient. "• I said it was SOdol ; now it is lOOdol.' " The man grumbled but paid it."

A Veterinauy Surgeon Wanted.— At the time when Josephine Wessely, the great singer, exoited so much enthusiasm at Leipzig, a student called on the famous Dr Thiersch, complaining of a severe pain in his right arm. On examination Thiersch found that one of the sinews of the arm was displaced and asked the student how it happened. The young man stated that he, with several companions, had taken the horses out of the carriage of the fair artiste and had dragged it from the theatre to her hotel. The doctor, who had no kind of sympathy with such doings, drily replied :

"My good friend, in that case I can do nothing for you ; you will really have to consult a veterinary surgeon, who understands the treatment of horses and asses 1 " — Pinturicchio.