FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1891, 1 May 1890, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

— All along the line — Clothes pegs. — The troubles of to-day are easily borne; it is the troubles we anticipate Which shorten life. — " Any idiot can make money," said the counterfeiter ; " but it takes a wise man to dispose of it." — First German Student (fiercely): "I challenge you to a duel, sir. Choose your weapons.'' Second Student (after a moment's refleotion) : " Boxing gloves at 100 yds." — One of the heathen customs which lady missionaries have to get used to is not to seem pleased when natives tell them their babies look sweet enough to eat. — Visitor: "Tommy, l wish to ask you a few questions in grammar/ Tommy : " Yes, sir." Visitor : "If I give you the sentence, ' The pupil loves his teacher,' what is that 1 Tommy : " Sarcasm." — Old Mr Cumso : " The doctor certainly told me to drink hot water one hour before meals, and here I have only been drinking for 20 minutes, and I'll be eternally et ceteraed if I can swallow another drop." — Binks : "So you saved a man's life, did you ? I always thought you were brave and daring. Whose life was it 1 " Jinks :" My own. Slasher was going to exterminate me, so I ran." — " Begorra," said Mrs O'Murphy, as she opened a bottle of champagne for the first time, " the clumsy fool that filled this quart bhottle must ay put two quarths in it instid ay one ! " — Slammet : " The boys have organised a football team." Drummer : " That's fortunate. You may be able to put something in my way. Here's my card. I represent a firm of crutch manufacturers." — Patient (feebly) : " Hadn't you better bleed me, doctor?" Doctor (rubbing his chin absent-mindedly and mistaking the question) : " Wait until you are well, my dear sir." — Curate in the East of London (to Washerlady) : " I have not seen your husband for a long time, I trust he is not ill 1 " — " He is confined to his room, sir." — "Can I see him ? "—"" — " You must ask the prison authorities sir." — Its Full Meaning.— Small Boy : "Papa, what does ' monotonous ' mean 1 " Father (wearily : " Wait till your mother begins to talk dress with your grandmother, my boy. Then you'll realise the full meaning of the word." — A Strong Kecommendation. — Mr Hayseed (buying a cigar) : ' I hope this ain't one o' those weeds that burn out in no time at all. I want a good long smoke.' Tobacconist (impressively) : ' Mine frendt, dot cigar vill last till you vas sick of it I " — Paddy is often poetically polite. On picking up and returning a lady's parasol, which had been blown out of her hand, a gallant Irishman said : " Faith, miss, an' if ye was as sthrong as yer handsome, be jabers, a hurrican couldn't have snatched it from ye." — A bashful young man escorted an equally bashful young lady. As they approached the dwelling ot the damsel, she said, entreatingly, " Zekill, don't tell anybody you beau'd me home. " Sary," said he, emphatically, " don't you mind ; lam as much ashamed of it as you are." — The latest of " Monty Williams' " stories pays a tribute to the caustic wit of Sergeant Ballantine. "He never speaks ill of any man," it was casually remarked of a leader of the bar. " No, of course not," rejoined the Sergeant, promptly, " for he never talks of anyone but himself." — A funeral was on its way to the cemetery, not far from Edinburgh, the deceased being a woman who, during her married life, was notorious for ruling the roast. Her husband was one of the bearers ; and as the mournfu J procession wended its way up a rather stiff brae he called to his friends : " Canny, my lauds, canny. Whit's tli' quid o' makin' a toil o' pleeshure ? "