FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 1970, 22 August 1889, Page 38

FUN AND FANCY.

— A hard chase— The pursuit of happiness. — No man ever had to be far-seeing to see temptation. — Sweetness and light — An underweight pound of sugar. — No Engagement. — " lam like a tree," he observed, as the clock struck 11. " I am rooted at your side." — " Yes, but you never leave, do you 1 " And then he " put forth." | — Waiter (bawling to cook): "One roast lamb and one potato." Old Gentlemgn : " No, no, not so much lamb and more potatoes." —Asked Too Much.— Mr Smith : " M-m-miss El-s-s-sie, I-1-l-love you." Elsie : " Oh, Charlie, say it again I " Mr Smith : " I-c-c-c-can't! " — " What'sthe matter 1 " the schoolmistress asked. " Back's sore, ma'am." — " What made it sore 1 " — " Pop pounded his thumb with the hatchet this mornin', and I laughed. — Domestic (who has been catechising prospective mistress) : " Well, Mrs Sharply, you have rather a bad name among the gurls in the town, but Oi think Oi'll give you a try." " — "Were you ever cut— cut dead?" says the heroine of a novel. " No ; I always think people are near sighted, or thinking of themselves," was the sensible reply. — A High-spirited Girl. — " But if you don't love him, Clara, why are you going to marry him." — '• Because he dared me to, mamma. He knew my high-spirited nature, too. Oh, I'll make him sorry enough for it— don't you be afraid." ' — At the Zoo. Mr de Bwown : "Do you weally think, Miss Wose, that man is descended from a monkey like that 1 " Miss Kose : " Well, I think it is rather hard to say that ; monkeys are so very intelligent." — Hostess (to parting guest) : " I trust you have enjoyed yourself Mr Smiley ? "' Mr Smiley (with intense self-complacency) : " Oh, you know, I am one of those people who never know what i1".i 1 ". is to feel dull, Mrs X — ." -Scholastic Progress. — " How are you getting on at school 1 " asked a parent of his rather indolent son. "I got kept in again to-day."—" What about 1 "— " About two hours and a-half." — A little boy sitting by his father's side in church, on Sunday morning, was given a coin to pufc upon the collection plate. No sooner had he deposited the coin than in a loud whisper, he asked : " Papa, have you saved any money for ginger beer ? " — A man never gets thoroughly disgusted with love's young dream until he has given a girl a ring, and three days afterwards discovers that she has been to a jeweller to ascertain its real value. — School Teacher: "Now, Bobby, spell needle." Bobby : " N-e-i-d-1-e, needle." School Teacher : " Wrong. There's no *i ' in needle." Bobby: "Well, 'taint a good needle then." — " Did anything about the defendant strike your eye as remarkable? " asked the judge of the plaintiff in a case of assault and battery. "It did, your honour." " And what was it ? " continued the judge.j udge. " His fist, yer honour." — A judge, ignorant of the virtues of two safes, which two rival makers were trying to induce him to buy, stepped over to the gaol to interview a safe-breaker who had been committed by himself, and obtained the opinion of an expert before giving his order. — Mary Jane Lemon married Ebenezer Sweet, and the local poet thus versifies the event: — What curious changes here we meet 'Twix Mary Jane and Ebenezer, She was changed from Sour to Sweet, And he became a Lemon squeezer. — Mrs de Kensington : "What is this I hear, Elizabeth, that you have refused that excellent young man Smith 1 " Elizabeth : " Yes, mamma. I cannot marry a man who gives ' Boulanger ' a pronunciation which indicates the wrath of a male of the bovine species." — "That's a purty good pictur' o' them country folks a loadin' hay. How much is it 1 " Picture Dealer : " Seventy ricunds, sir." — " Gee whiz ! Seventy pounds for those common people 1 Why, I've got a pictur' of the Royal Family up home that didn't cost but 55." — His advice.— Certain physicians are careful not to give advice to people except when they are formally consulted, or in the strict relation of physician and patient. One evening, at a social party, a lady was introduced to the celebrated Dr B . " Oh, doctor, I'm so glad to have met you ! " exclaimed the lady. " Tell me, what do you do when you have an awfully bad cold?" "Cough, ma'am I " said the celebrated Dr B » *