EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 1970, 22 August 1889, Page 37

EDITOR'S WALLET.

The Ambassador and the Valet. Eank in England dominates even the servants' hall. In the " high life below staifß, 1 ' a duke's footman is sometimes ad* dressed as " your grace." A duke's valet is obsequious to his master, but supercilious to the servants of noblemen of inferior rank, and, when they dare to be so, to the noble* men themselves. An amusing illustration of this happened at the British Embassy, in Constantinople, at the beginning of the Crimean war. The Duke of Cambridge, who. is a cousin of the Queen, was expected at the Embassy, and his valet, having arrived early in the morning, was busy in getting his Royal Highness' rooms in order. Lord Stratford de Eedcliffe, the ambassador, who had a habit of • personally seeing . everything done, visited the duke's rooms, attired in dressing gown> and slippers. The chamber floor was strewn with articles of baggage, and he undertook to instruct the valet as to the best method of arranging them. i "I'll tell you what it is," said the man, staring at the ambassador, " I know how his Royal Highness likes to have his things arranged better than you do, so just you shut up and be off, will you, old fellow 1 " Lord Stratford, ivhose temper was as explosive as gunpowder, immediately left the room in great anger, and sent an attache to tell the Valet who it was that he had addressed in such insolent language. The messenger seemed amused when ho returned. " Well, what did you say to him ? " asked the ambassador. " I said to him, my lord, that the person to whom he addressed such language waa her Majesty's representative in Turkey." "Yes: quite right. And what was his answer \ " " He answered, my lord, that he • never said you wasn't 1 ' " The reply so amused Lord Stratford that his anger vanished in a hearty laugh. A Good Investment. 1 Several winters ago a woman was coming out from a public building where the heavy doors swung 1 back and made egress somewhat difficult. A little street urchin sprang to the rescue, and as he held open the door she said " Thank you," and passed on. " D'ye hear that 1 " said the boy to a companion standing near by him. — "No; what?" ■ " Why, that lady said ' Thank ye ' to the likes of me." Amused at the conversation the lady turned and said to the boy : "It always pays to be polite, my boy; remember that. Years passed away, and last December, when doing her Christmas shopping, this same lady received exceptional courtesy from a clerk in Boston, which caused her to remark to a friend who was with her : " What a great comfort to be civilly treated once in a while, though I don't know that I blame the store clerks for being rude during the holidays." ,v, v The young man's quick ear caught, the words, and he said : " Pardon me, madam, but' you gave me my first lesson in politeness a few years ago." The lady looked at him in amazement ' while he related the little forgotten incident, • and told her^hat that simple " Thank you rt awakened his ambition to be, something In the world. He went and applied for a situation as office boy in the establishment where he was now an honoured and trusted clerk. Only two words dropped into the treasury of a otreet conversation, but they yielded returns most satisfactory. — The Congregationalist. Why Johnny Did It. A Stevens avenue young lady was much j pained and shocked as she walked down the street yesterday to see her young brother sitting astride the prostrate body of another boy and raining down blows upon his struggling victim. " Johnny ! " she almost screamed, " what are you doing? Come here this minute. Aren't you ashamed of yourself, fighting this way in the street ? " The boy reluctantly arose from his vanquished antagonist and faced bis indignant sister. Then he explained : " Well, I don't care. He said you wasn't good-looking. I don't think you are either, but it ain't none o' his funeral. So I licked him." This explanation was too much for the sister, and she retreated in disorder. — Minneapolis Journal. Children's Knowledge of Wellington, " What do any of you know about Wellington, children ? " asked a teacher in the school one day. One bright-faced youngster put up bis hand. " Well, Willie, what do you know about Wellington?" " He was the great general who fought for England at Waterloo," replied the boy. There was silence then* for quite a minute. This seemed to have exhausted the stock of information, until at length a triumphant smile about a little girl's mouth broke out on the general area of perplexed faces, like a splash of sunshine on a muddy pool. A little hand went up. " Well, Annie, what can you tell us about Wellington ? " said the teacher, with an enouraging smile. " Please, he's dead ! " answered the little girl. The Lime Kiln Club. " I ob3arve dat de semi-annual occashun fur pitchin' into de divorce courts is now at hand," said Brother Gardner, as the meeting opened in due and ancient form. "It has allus struck me as a mighty inconsistent thing fur people to argue dat you kin trade a hoss which doan' suit — sell a house you doan' like — bust up a bizness partnership which ar' unpleasant— give away yer dog an 1 pizen yer cat — but you mustn't part from de husband or wife who is makin' yer life one of misery. I thank de law dat it was.-wisa enuff to foresee some sartin things, and among 'em de fact dat people would make mistakes in marryin', It is only natural dat

dey should, and when dey do divorce am de easiest way out. If de law refused divorces, elopements and murders would increase a hundred per cent. " When you hey tied up two people who truly love, honour, an' respect ea^h other — who kin bear an' sacrifice — who can smile in adversity as well as in sunshine—you hey done a blessed thing, an' airth an* Heaven ar' de better fur it. But when you hey tied up two pussons who argy, bicker, dispute, and hate — who see nuffin alike — who kin neither love nor respect, you would hey de heart of Satan to force 'em to continer sich a life. You couldn't do it. Dar would be murder if no other escape offered. j " An' dar am sartin pussons who claim dat I divorce induces laxity of morals. Among all de scandals of de- last y'ar hey you seen de name of a divorced man or woman 1 Among all de bad women arrested in a year do you find de name of a divorced woman 1 It ar* de wives an' gals who suicide— not de divorced women. It ar' de wives an' gals arrested fur street walkin' an' drunkenness — not de divorced women. " Me an' my ole woman hey stood by each other fur nigh onto 60 y'ars, an' we ar' gwine to sail in de same boat cl'ar down to debank of de dark riber. We agree. We ar' fitted fur each other. We think alike. But suppose we didn't ? Suppose we quarrelled an' bickered an' wished each other dead ? De law which would compel us to live together would be an inhuman thing. I ar' glad ebery time I see dat a divorce has bin granted. - 1 wish de cost was only sdol, and de time reduced to one day. Husbands would hey mo' respect an' tenderness fur deir wives — wives mo' confidence an' trust in deir husbands. We will now attack de reg'lar programme of bizness." SHE WANTS DAMAGES. The Secretary announced a communication from a Mrs Moses Taylor, of Lexington, Ky., who announced that her husband fell into a creek and was drowned while on his way to mail an application for membership in the club. She had been advised by a coloured ex-justice of the peace to demand 5000dol from the club as damages, it being as plain as the nose on a man's face that if Moses had not decided to join the club he would not have been drowned. If the money was not forthcoming she would bring suit for double the amount. Brother Giveadam Jones was instructed to borrow and carefully peruse as many as a dozen law books, if necessary, and to inform Mrs Taylor that the club would die in the last ditch sooner than pay her claim. HE WAS SQUELCHED. The following communication, dated from New York, was then read : — Bro. Gardiner,— I am now " gravitating" towards Detroit with my great lecture on " Gravitation." I have an open date for May 1, and would be pleased to arrange with the, Lime Kiln Club for this date. Terms, 250d0l (O. O. D.), which includes printing, advertising, heat, light, and incidentals. The club may fix the price ot tickets and net a handsome sum. This is an opportunity that you cannot afford to let pass. An early reply will favour yours truly. ltorroß O. A.. Johnson. P.S.— Will divide 10 per cent, of the 250d0l with the officers of the club. This on the strict Q.T. " I move dat de terms be accepted," said Samuel Shin, as soon as the reading was finished. " Brudder Shin, do you know what you ar' talkin' 'bout 1 " demanded the President in severe tones. " Sot right down an' keep mum or I will fine you ten millyon dollars fur disturbin' de meetin' 1 Now, den, who is Mistah Johnson 1 What ar' gravitashun ? Why should we want him to lectur' befo' dis club at any price 1 De secretary will answer him to de effec' to keep away from Detroit at his peril." " I suppose de char knows what gravitation is 1 " queried the Rev. Penstock as he arose. "De char does, Brudder Peastock ! " sharply answered the President. " Dis char has made a special study of gravitashun. All dar is in it is de fact dat a stone frowed into de air will come down, bekase it is heavier dan de air. Sot down, Brudder Penstock, sot down ! " HE APPEALED. A poet named Stuart Mosby sent in the following poem a few weeks ago in competition for the prize offered for the best banjo melody. It was marked down to thirteenth place on the list, but he appealed from the decision of Waydown Bebee to the chair : — A DANCE AT THE NEGRO QUAETEES. V. Stuart Mosby. Now, Sambo, jest put down dat banjer, Fur me an' Uncle 'Lijah's gwine ter pat. Won't some er yer darkeys kick dat dog from und' de table, Fur he's chawin' er mer Sunday 'at, An' shove dat bao' log fudder on de fire, An' sweep up de trash from off de flo, While I puts de hoe-cake down in de ashes, Den I'm gwine ter give yer niggers fan, fur sho\ Lead up, ladies, s'lute yu pardners, gemmen, An' cut a double shuffle on de flo, Eight foot, left foot, up and down de middle, While Sambo play 3de flddle wid de bow. Now hold de ladies' han' jest like dor w'ite y'ung gemmen, An' don't be a-grinnin* like a coon ; Don't spit in de fire w'en de ash-cakes am acookin' — Er I knock yer in de middle er nex' June, Now, Dinah, pass de gourd wid de new cider in it, An', Moses, take dat 'bacca out yer jaw. Jest look at dat cat wid de ham-bone in de corner, An' dat rooster stuffin' hoe-cake down his craw. Lead up, ladies, s'lute yu pardners, gemmen, An' cut a double shuffle on de flo, Bight foot, left foot, up and down de middle, While Sambo plays de fiddle wfd de bow. Whalebone Howker moved that the appeal be received. He said it was a poem that touched his soul like a root tonic. Colonel Cahoots objected. It not only sounded to him like a steal from Lord Byron, but the committee on poetry was supposed to know its business. Elder Toots called for a vote on the appeal, and it was voted down by 84 to 21. The meeting then adjourned, — Detroit Free Press. It did not Always Pay Him. The late Dr Trousseau, a celebrated Parisian "physician, had the reputation of being exceedingly sharp after his fees, though he always declined to take anything in the nature of a present from his patients — perhaps because he thought the acceptance of such gifts might render it difficult for him to exaot his honorarium. Once Dr Trousseau had been fortunate enough to cure the only child of one of the few rich members of the French aristocracy. When the onHd had become convalescent,

and the doctor was paying his last visit, with renewed thankful expressions the mother pressed a small silken purse into Trousseau's hand. " Thank you, madame," he replied ; " but, pardon me, I never accept presents." And he firmly rejected her offer, probably regarding both the purse and the appeals as things of equally problematical value. " My fee, madame," he quietly added, " is 500f." Opening the purse, Madame la Comtesse took out the sum named, and, presenting it to Dr Trousseau, remarked : " I am sorry you do not take presents ; the purse contained 4000f." Monkeys and Snakes. — It is a curious fact that monkeys, who have an intense instinctive dread of Jsnakes, would seem from ] experiments in zoological gardens to be strangely attracted to them. An American observer, Mr. A, E. Brown, coiled a dead snake in a 1 newspaper, so as to be easily capable of coming loose, and sefc it on the floor of a cage containing a great variety of monkeys. It was instantly carried off by a leading spirit; but in a, few seconds the paper became unfolded and the snake was exposed. The monkey instantly dropped it and went away, hut with a constant look behind. The other monkeys, perceiving the snake, approached, step by step, and formed a circle round it 6ft or Bft in diameter. None approached it except one Macakue, who cautiously made snatches at the paper. At thi3 moment a string which had been attached to the snake's tail was genily pulled ; the monkeys fled precipitately, with great chattering and screaming. Some time after they gradually returned to their former position ; and they continued this procedure for some hours, showing both intolerable fear and a strange attraction.