Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 658, 9 July 1864, Page 17

Varieties.

' What constellation is like an empty fire-place? —The great bear.

Who is the largest man ?— The lover ; he is a man of tremendous sigh 3.

It is a 3ure sign, when a man slips down in the mud, that he has had a drop too much.

A gentleman who has recently lost an eye begs to intimate that he has now a " vacancy for a pupil."

" Whynre all tinkera expert "musicians ?—Because they're kettle drummers."

"Don't touch me, or T'll scream!" as the engine whistle said to the stoker.

An old gentleman of great experience says he is never satisfied that a lady understands a kiss unless he has it from her own mouth.

Where will you find the sacred tree «f the Druids, and the coronal leaves of the Romans combined ? In a billiard-board, lined with green baize and made of oak.

Some people are never contented. After having all their limbs broken, their heads smashed, and their brains knocked out, they will actually go to law, and try to get further (famages. A certain nobleman was much addicted to the bottle. On the occasion of a fancy dress ball or masque, he asked a friend what new charnot r he should go in ? "Go sober," was the reply.

A Chicago paper gravely remarks that "the longer the present war lasts the more public opinion begins to settle down to the belief that it willjby no means be a short one." The editor i« quite firm in this belief.

In the story of the courtship of a loving couple, after all had been arranged, and the time fixed, the narrator says:— "Here their lips •■ came together,'and the report which followed was like pulling a horse's hoof out of the mire."

When a late master of the Chapel Royal heard that a distinguished member of the musical profession had been knighted, he is said to have observed, " I suppose it must be on the score of his merit, not r.n the merit of his score."

" How many kinds of motion are" there ?" said a Glaswegian professor of physics to one of his very bright pupils. "Three, sir," was the reply. "Three— name them?"— " The retrograde, the progressive, and the standstill motion."

" Morrow's Library " is the Mudie of Dublin, and the Rev. Mr Day a popular preacher. " How inconsistent," said the late Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of qertain ladies here. They go to day for a sermon, and to morrow for a novel !"

A little fellow, not more than five years of age, hearing some gentlemen at his father's table discussing the familiar line. "An honest man's 1 the noblest work of God," said he knew it wasn't true ; his mother was better than any man that wa3 ever made.

A correspondent, discussing the ragged and shoeless condition of the Southern army in Virginia, calls them " Lee's Miserables."

Honest Germans.— The German Powers contend that in declaring that they recognised the integrity of the Danish monarchy, they did not engage to respect it. Just so, the recognition of a gentleman's watch and seals does not prevent footpads from g.irotting him and stealing them.

t Why is a young lady just from boarding school like a building committee ?— Because she is ready to receive proposals.

" Sir, I shall never forget the service you have rendered to me, as well as to my party." said a new-fledged M.P. to an active supporter." Nonsense," said the free and independent} " I have not worked hard either for your sake or for the sake of your principles. I did it to spite the others.''

A story is going about Pari3 that is yery creditable totheEmperor. It is said thatridingone day in the streets, he nearly rede over a little boy, and pulling up suddenly, and ascertaining that lie was not hurt, asked him good-naturedly if he would like to see the Emperor. " No," replied tlie child, for my father says he is a scoundrel,"—" Indeed." said the Emperor, " I am sorry to hear that, but I think your father cannot be much, of a judge."—" Oh yes," said the boy, " he is a senator ;" upon which one of the the Emperor's traia asked his name, but was peremptorily interrupted by his master, who declined to ask or hear it, and rod&.on.

It is said of Madame Talleyrand, that one day her husband, haviai told her that Denon was coming to dinner, bid her read a little of his book upon Egypt, just published, in order that she might be enabled to compliment him upon it, adding that lie would leave the volume for her on his study -table. He forgot this, however : and madarae, upon going into the study, found a volume of Robinson Crusoe on the table instead, which, having read very attentively, she was not long on opening upon Denon, at dinner, about the desert island, and his manner of living, to tha great astonishment of poor Denon, who could not muke head or tail ofwnatshe meant. At last upon her saying, "Ah, dear Friday !" he perceived she took him for no less a person than Robinson Crusoe.

Smiting the Rock.— ln the puff on Secretary Chase, which that gentleman's friends paid for in certain papers at so much per line, occur the words which Webster applied to Hamilton : "He smote the rock of our national resources, and abundant streams gushed forth ; he touched' the corpse of a public credit, and it stood upon its feet." A western paper suggpsts the following amendment to suit Mr Chase's case : "He smote the handle of Floe's printing-press, and abundant streams of green-bac s gushed forth. With the wand of his green-backs he touched the national conscience, and it became shoddy. — " New York World."

About the time the temperance reformation be^an, a well-disposed former told one of his men that he thought of frying to do his work without whiskey, and raked him how much more he should have to give him to do without it. The man told him that he might give him what lie pleased. " Well," said the farmer, " I will give you » sheep if you will do without. 1 ' The eldes son then asked him if he would do without whisky " Yes," said the father, "you shall have a sheep if you will do without." The youngest son, then asked if he would do the same by him. "Yes -andy," was the reply j " you shall have a sheep, too, it you will «lo without whiskey." Presently shandy asked, " Father, hadn't you better take a sheep too?" This was a home question: the father had hardly thought that he could do without the i e good creature," but thi3 direct appeal was not to ba disregarded. The result was, that the demon was at once banished from the premises. r