Wise and Otherwise.

Opunake Times, Volume LVV, Issue 3675, 26 October 1923, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

Officer (angrily); Burton up that coat! . , , Married recruit (absent minded\yj; Yes, my dear. The New Science ' Magistrate: How is it I hat you succeeded in taking this man's watch from his pocket, when it was secured by a patent safety guard? Percy pickpocket: My fee, yer worship, is a quid fer a full course ot six lessons. The clothes of a 3 500-ye.:r-old mummy now govern the fashions - We tru*t that archaeologists do not v find the tomb of Adam and Eve. A small boy stood in front of a ' grocery store one day, looking at a display of apples and pears. He moved towards the fruit, then back several times. ■■ At last the grocer went outside and said lo the youngster: "Are vou trying to steal something, son?' «No, mister, 1 ain't trying to steal They mqt by accident in a bank, and before long were exchanging loud words. Evidently there was an old grudge between them. "You looked down upon"me when I was poor, " bawled one. "To-day I can write my cheque for a million." He. wrote a cheque for a million. "Now, I'll show yon what I think of a million, " and he tore the cheque up.

Mr Smart: Let me carry that dog, my dear, and you carry the babv. Mrs Smart: No, noi You carry the baby, 1 couldn't trust you with Zip:' -You'd let the'"poo? fellow fall. Ml carry Zippy myseif.

v - A-man stepped out of a shop just v as 1 a large dog bounded down the footpath, towing a length of string and a big tin The dog upset the man, who /ell on the roadway. Be fore he could pick himself up a fliv* ver ran over him. VVhen.t-he unforlunate man regained consciousness, he wafo in hospital "How do you feel now, " asked a * rfurse. "Not tod bad, " was the answer. ••'The dog didn't hurt ire,, but by ' <erip«j; (Ha tin tied to his tail fairly kiiockd me 8i11y. ,( 'The Drawbacks Of Religion* A peloid woman consulted the Villigfl lawyer. # #j§H.' want to divo'ce mah hus* mRR " she said. #sVhat's the trouble? " asked the •'That nigger's done gone an' got ireligion, and we ain't seen a chicken ou de table fob two weeks. '' A Very Old Sailor. She never lost an opportunity of ■ pointing a moral to her Vmail nephews and nieces. She took them to the museu.-n for a treat. "This, " said the guide, "is Nelson's waistcoat, worn at the battle of Trafalgar, and this hole is where the fatal bullet went through. " 1 There, children, you remember vrhat I said about a stitch in time saving nine, " said their aunt. "If, jtbat hole had been mended the gullet wouldn't have gone through and Lord Nelson might have been living yet! I One half-crown per foot. A youth secured a position in the tax office of a provincial town, and, with the enthusiam of most beginners, proceeded to make things move. A farmer, very angry and indignant, came to the office one day and tried in very forcible language to point out that he had been wrongly charged ten shillings for' keeping a fflp goat. 7 The clerk insisted that no mistake had been made. "Look here !" he said, "It's in the rules ! Read them yourself" The farmer read the following clause: "For all property bounding and abutting on the highway, 2/6 per foot.', '• /;'■:■' 'With a heart full of good intentions, he was paying his weekly visit to the local hospital. In one ward he found a pale young fellow swathed in bandages and looking very miserable. So he stopped to administer a few words of comfort^ "Never mind, my man/' he finished up, in cheering tones. "You'll ; soon be yourself again, they tell me. just try to keep on smiling. That's the best way in this world." "Ml never smile again," replied ."the patient sadly. "Oh, nonsense !" "There's no nonsense about it," fgroaned the sufferer. "I'll never smile again. I say— at least at another fellow's girl !"