HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LII, Issue 12199, 25 July 1925, Page 16

HUMOUR

ODDS AND ENDS Grimsby fishermen have formed a eon* pany. The idea is to pool the net pro* fits. * * * * "you've been a lon* time, Mary. Didn't yon hear me ring?” "No, mum* not 'till the third time. * * * • The Army golf club at Aldershot is a freat success. Recruits on joining are rst taught to forth foursomes. 1 * * * First Golfer: "Confound it, sir, you nearly hit my wife.” Second Dub: "Did I? Well, you take a shot at mine.” * * * - * cr Your daughter talks a great deal, doesn't she?” "Yes, I think she must have been vaccinated with a gramophone needle.” ♦ * * e Soan: "Here's a motorist who bought some petrol and then robbed the filling station.” Dunn: "Well, turn about is fair play.” *'+ . * e Mrs Bands: "Does your husband confide his business trouble to you?” Mrs Hands: "Yes, indeed—every time I buy anything. *' * * * • . Jones: "So you think smoking is good for a headache ?” Smith: "Yes. My mother-in-law always leaves the room when I smoke.” * * * * Cross-word teas are now popular. Any* body who can successfully juggle with, a cup of tea, a cream-cake and a dictionary deserves a prize. * * * * *He: "Then what did you marry ms for?” She: ''Mamma figured it up at the time and said it was abont tnree thousand a year.” ♦ * * ,* Mother* (to young son who is packing his bae for a camp): "Willie, why, you haven’t put in any soap.” Willie: "Soap! * We're fm* a holiday!” He: "Do yon believe in signs and omens?” She: "Yes.” "Last night, I dreamt you loved me. What does that mean?” "That you were dreaming.” e * • * m . Old *Lady: "Aren't ashamed to be seen smoking cigarettes, my boy?” little Boy: "Yus, mum. But wotis a fellow to do when Jus pinched his pipe?” Lady Lawyer (cross-examining a witness): "Where were you on the night of February 18th?” Witness: "Great Scott l Who do you think you are—my wife?” -** * * Wife (reading): "It says here that Bleep is conducive to beauty" Hubby: "I don't believe it. Just look how plainlooking some of our Government officiate am” » ;** * • Hill: "MacShorte has sold a POMS to Scribblers entitled 'Ode to a Fair Lady/ ” Hulls: "Has he? Well, he is more competent to write verses entitled 'Owed to a Landlady/ ” * * • a Manager: "What’s the troubla here? Why are all you men idle ?'* Labourer: "A broken belt, sir/' "Where's the foreman?” "Gone home. It’s his belt that's broken.” * •** * a - "Father,” said Mabel, "do you enjoy hearing,me sing ” "Well,” waa the answer, "I don't know, but it's rather soothing in a way. .It makes me forget my 'other troubles/' a • .* e. /'The American is increasingly cautious" It isobserved that profeasors prophesying the end of the world are now careful to fix a date when they will no longer be in it. * *. * Jones: "Women are different now from what they used to be". Brown: "How's hat?” Jones: "There's my daughter, for instance, she's taking up the law, whereas her mother always lays it down" * * * * * /With & single stroke of a camel’s hair brush, Sargent the painter could uhange a smiling face -to a frowning one.” "That's nothing. ' My mother can do that with the back of a hairbrush/' *.* • • Promoted. Squire’s Wife: "And where's your daughter, Mrs Hodge ?'' Mrs Hodge: "well, to tell you ths truth, mum, her was that useless in the ''ouse I sent her out to- domestic service/ 1 *. * • * • • A man rushed into an old furniture store. • "What do you want?” asked th« proprietor. "Is this a second-hand shop?” asked the man. "Can't you see it’s a second-hand shop?” "Well, I want ons for my watch" *■ • Mother (sternly): "Johnny, didn't I teu you to come straight home from the barber's shop?” . Johnny: "Yes, me.” Mother: "Then why didn’t you obey?” Johnny: had to wait while grandma got her neck shaved." * * e Housewife: "We are having a few friends in fo/ a musical evening to-night, Bridget, and I’d : like you to do your best. Her Cooks "Sure, mum, I ain't sung for years, but you can put me down for Tt Ain't Gonna Rain No More/ '* a * * • This waa after the lovers' quarrel. "X can never forgive ypu" he cried. "Last night you said I was a lobster.” "But, my dear/' she replied, coyty, "you must remember how crazy I am about lobster.” With a glaa cry he folded her to his heart. a * * e "You can’t see Mr Bright,” said the sharp-faced woman to the political canvasser. "But I want to find out what party he belongs to/* said the canvasser. T can tell you that,” said the woman; rest your eyes on me. ' I'm the party ho belongs to" * a .* • e . She was caught in heavy Tain without an umbrella. A friend coming along was about to pass without speaking. "What are you trying to do—cut me?” she demanded. "Oh, is that you, dear?” said the friend. "I didn't recognise you without your complexion.” . • * a * ■ * A man had bought a horse, having made a thorough examination of the animal. "There’s only one . thing T ‘don’t like about this horse" said he. "What's that?” asked the dealer. "Why, he won't hold'op his head.” "Oh, that’s only his gride" said the dealer. "He will when e’s paid for ” * ♦ e * A landlord called on his tenant, who was considerably in arrears with his rent. He was tendered a few shillings .on account.” Surely you can do better than this?” insinuated the landlord. 'No. I can’t,” came the emphatic replv; 'and if I had not been able to sell the back door for firewood you would not hare got even that/' , , * * * * A young man who prided himself on his scientific knowledge went to call on an eminent professor one evening. He found his friend bending over a spirit wllic h a small pot bubbled 'What is it this time?” inquired the young man. ' Gu©«s,' said the professor Mjctococci/ "No" "Spirochaeta?” No. Give it up. "Sausages,” said the professor, prodding his supper with a fork. . -