EVER HEARD THIS?

New Zealand Times, Volume L, Issue 11655, 20 October 1923, Page 14

EVER HEARD THIS?

STORIES FOR ALL MOODS A MIXED BAG. An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery. Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened hiis eyes and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: ‘Alary, thaib’s a nice smcfl, it’s just like a ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked.” The reply ,wns: “Thee get on with the dying, that ham i a for the funeral.” Thin story is one of three hundred good yarns told in “Ever Heard Thisi?” by F. W. Chambers (Methuen). Here are some others:—. A NEW RECIPE. At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in, become almost grey with age. “You ought to carry those peas to Reusing ton,’’ said ouo of the party. ‘‘Why?” asked another. “Because it’s the way to Turn’om Green.” Oliver Goldsmith, author of “Tho Yicar of Wakefield,” who had no sense of humour, hearing this, was delighted and made a note of the joke. Tho next evening, dining out, lie wa6 pleased to find a dish of yellow peas on the table. ‘‘Those ought to be sent to Kensington,” he said. “Why?” ho was asked. “Because that’s tho way to make them green,” he replied. A Scot and a minister were in a train together travellnng through a lovely part of Scotland. Beautiful sceneay—mountains, dales, rivers, and all tho glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw* a ht*ge adver tisement for So-and-so*® whisky. The Soot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, “I’m glad to ace, air, that you agree with

me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement.” It’s no’ that, sir,” said the Scot, bit- , terlv, “it’s rotten whusky.” WHATS IN A NAME? A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead tho cause of an offender, began by saying: “1 know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent scoundrel.” Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was hi® client, when he immediately continued: “But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?” At Durham Assizes a deaf old lady, who bad brought an action for damages against a neighbour, was beiug examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. “His lordship wants to know what you will take?” asked the learned counsel, bawling ns loud as over he could in the old lady’s ear. “I thank liis lordship kindly,” answered the ancient dame; “and if it’s no ill-, convenience to him, I’ll take a little' warm ale!” A great punster was Sir G. Rose. ; Once, observing someone imitating his gait, he said. “You have the stalk without the rose.” Tlie late Judge 0 one day had occasion to examine a witness ■who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. » “I believe,” said his lordship, “you are a ..-Very great rogue.” “Not so great a rogue as you, my lord, t-t-t-tnkes roe to be.” Miss Grace Ellison, in her “An Eng-lish-woman in Angora” (Hutchinson, 18s.), describes «a Turkish wedding, which she calls “a fine example of true democracy as practised in Hie East.” “Among the guests in their elaborate ball-dresses, trimmed with orange blossom, I noticed the Grand Vizier’s wife; and then, catching sight of a very differently attired group of women, wearing faded and worn tcharrchaffs and feradjes, I realised that the ‘bath-women’ of th« familv had come uninvited to the feast l And the door of the harem was wide open, that all might enter in to sec the presents, admire the dresses, and all the other delightful feminine intimacies of such an occasion. “As a matter of fact, I was told by Zevneb, any woman can go to a Turkish wedding without having been invited. ‘You in England only ask your intimate friends, and yet you have to employ detectives to watch the presents.’ ” STORIES THE TURKS LIKE. “Simple stories about the Royal Family of Great Britain,” says Miss Ellison, “interested the Turks far more than my ‘grander’ or more romantic reminiscences from the Courts of Europe. They are never tired of hearing that our Edward VII. only required one ‘gcntleman-in-waiting’ at a time at Marnmbad, whereas the Czar (Ferdinand) of Bulgaria was always accompanied by a suite oi eight or nine. Sir Edward Gosehen was instructed to dress, like his royal master, in a green Tyrolese hat with it* little nhooting feather. He was sent to sit on ‘the king’s bench’ until the crowd had satisfied their natural desires for ‘a good view’ and gone home to breakfast. Then Edward VII. himself arrived . ’ ’ Miss Ellison say® she had never met an “old maid” in Turkey, and doubts whether one could be found. THE CONFESSION. “The Southlands of Siva” (Thpi Bodley Head), by A. Butterworth, is full of good anecdotes of Southern India and its inhabitants. The author had to go to a prison and take down a confession by a nativo murderer, who had broken into a house with some friends and murdered tho owner. The prisoner made a full confession, and then said: “As we were coming away from' the house we saw a cock. Muttayva wanted to kill it, but 1 said, ‘Why should we kill the poor bird? Let it alone!’ ” When Air Butterworth was in Trichi-

nopoly he received the following letter from a resident one Christmastide: “Many happy returns of the season await you! May the thorns of care never beset your path 1 May peace be an inmate of your bosom and rapture a frequent visitor of your soul! May the bloodhounds of misfortune never track your steps nor the 6creech-owl of sorrow alarm your dwelling I May enjoyments tell your hours and pleasures number your days! Blessed b« he that blesses you, and cursed be hi that curses you!” WHAT STRUCK HIM. There is a tale of a young Englishman who had spent two years touring the world. On his return he was asked what he thought was the most remarkable eight he had seen. After a little thought he replied, “Well, do you know, I think the thing that struck me most was the way those fellows in Australia light a match in a gale of wind.” THE HINDU’S SIMPUCTY. The Hindu is often most eztraordin* arily simple, says the author, and he illustrates this with a story, told him by a friend. “Maclntyre met a man walking alone along a road, carrying in his hands a constable’s turban and tulwar and on his head a large bundle. There ensued conversation. “ ‘What are you doing with that turban and sword?’ “ ‘They are the constable’s. I am a prisoner, and he is faking me to the lock-up.’ “ ‘Where is the constable?’ “ ‘He has stopped behind for a bit in the village over yonder. He will be coming along soon.’ “ ‘What is the bundle on your head?* “ ‘Oh, that is the stolen property.’ ” “AS THE CROW FLIES.” A subaltern, who had been on a duty-journey, put in a bill for travelling allowance, which wa6 not permissible, as the journey did not exceed five miles. “He got back an Objection Memo, signed by a Colonel Bird demanding his reason for making the claim, the two places not being five miles apart ‘as the crow flies.* Die reply endorsed on the memo, by the subaltern ran: ‘I did not go as the crow flies. I went on a horse. I am not a Bird.’ “The subaltern was reported for insubordination, but the story goes that Kitchener was so amused that he did nothing.”