MISGUIDED ZEAL

New Zealand Times, Volume XLIII, Issue 10000, 18 June 1918, Page 2

MISGUIDED ZEAL

ITS ORIGIN AND ITS RESULTS

WEIRD HAPPENINGS ON BRITISH DESTROYER.

A good story, founded on fact, bui discreetly camouflaged as to the names of the participants therein, the actual location of the happenings, and so forth, is told by "Extreme" in a recent issuo of "Land and Wiatei": — "My dear N"-p," r>aid the captain of H.M. destroyer "Bloodlhc-und" to his Fusi Lieutenant, "zeal is excellent iu jits light place. In the abstract it is. 1 suppose, always a desirable U-alt in eithur one's own or anyone else's character, but in real life it is often u datlliod nuisance." lAi:u.toiiant-Comm,andor Airmaeh lit anoi .el' cigarette, and continued:— '"lake the Gunner." At these words Lieutenant Clambos, sometimes called Napoleon, from tho shape of his head, but more often known us "Nap," stirred uneasily on the settee upon which he was lying and murmured something that seemed to be in the nature of a prayer. It was evident uaat thinking of the Gunner moved him somewhat. "Look at his effort the other day," gloomily remarked Airmaeh. "Do you mean the jrrabjby's dinnerparty we gave?" inquired the recumbent First Lieutenant. "Great Scott! there's not been anything else since, has there?" anxiously demanded Airmaeh. THE FLAG OFEIOEIE'S BARGE. "Oh, only last night he fired a rifle bullet across a ikg-ouicor's barge, which was taking the old boy back from a aiiuit.t-ipurty in the flagship. The boat had engines that mako a noise like a fasih'.onablo night dub's ragtime band, so of coarse tno coxswain never heard tho hail and our Air Cocker assumed it was 'a destroyer or other 'cstile craft' and fired a shot across his bows. The flag-officer was in the stern sheets digesting, and though he was a hundrod yards off, it was quite easy to see the colour of his _face by the light of his cigar, they harmonised somewhat,", eloquently concluded Clambos. "Well it might be worse," remarked tho stepper. "He didn't hit anyone. I did he?'' "We haven't had the Service letter about it yet," said tho First Lieutenant, "so ho may have done for all I know. Lord! It is blasted hot in this placo. Wfhen is it our turn to patrol tho Straits?" at dawn, my boy, will gee you hauling the hook up on the fo'c'sle. We've got to patrol the West flank from 9 a.m. for twenty-four hours. I liopo that perishin' field gun on Giaba el Wiad has been flopped out by tho Anzfics. Johnnie Turk will catch us 'bending with it one day. I bet they've got some swine of ft Hun spotting for them." - - .-•■■■-- "Apropos of that gun," remarked da-mhos, "Mr Cocker told me he had a scheme for silencing it." "No doubt he has," replied Airmaeh. "Our Mr Cocker has a schomo for most enterprises. I shouldn't object to thorn if they didn't invariably recoil on my head. • a • THE GUNNER'S LOVE LETTER. Lieutenant Clambos re-read "La Vie Parisienne" for the third time, cursed his lack of application -to "the study of the French language in the earlier days of his youth, cursed "the heat, tho flies, Gallipoli, and life in general, and then gently dropped off into an uneasy sleep. Tho perfect peace which brooded over the destroyer as she lay on the glassy surface of her base amiddt half a dozen pf her sisters was only broken by tho low persistent rumble of the guns which rolled across from the blood-stained peninsula and echoed and re-echoed dully on tho rocky and sun-dried shore of Rabbit Island. The whole ship's company seemed asleep and though .hor. bare iron decks were unpleasantly hot to the nand, reoumbent figures were scattered fore and aft in such shadow as her ventilators, funnels and torpedo tubes afforded. There was one notable oxception to this state of slumber.

,mP 1 °„ e , xceDtlon was Mr Cocker, Gunner (.T). This gentleman was sitting j. n his cabin riaht aft, attired is a pair of duck trousers and a vest, and sweating profusely. Every few moments he absent-ly-minded dabbed his forehead with a piece of Service blotting paper. His dampness was duo to two causes: first the Gallipoli sun, secondly, he was writing a_ letter. _ When it is added that tho letter .was to a girl, much is explained. Mr Cocker was a big man, and looking at him in his cabin one was irresistibly reminded of those model ships you see inside bottles, which aro used to adorn so many publia houses. On tiiis very hot afternoon, Mr Cocker was endeavouring to write a letter to a certain young lady in Plymouth for whom ho had a deep and abiding affeci , n- , l l was a lamentable and deplorable fact from Mr Cocker's point of view, that this affection was not entirely reciprocated. The young lady's affections wavered between Mr Cocker and Quartormaster-Sergeant Basher of tho K.M.L.I rocentlv awarded- the Military Medal for having throttled a Hun in a trench raid on the .Wfcatern front. It was this medal that seemed to Jio like a shadow between Mr Cocke,, and hi a adored one. a» h» savaxeh -bit his pen in ills tiny cabin; for tho young lady had intimated in a letter which Fay before him that th 0 gallant Basher was pressing Ins claims pur medium of field postcard*, and that although she did not withurnw all hope from the more distant Alfred Cocker, yet h or patriotism told her that his chances would be consider, ably improved wore ho to achieve some martial glory. "At Teast, AH." she con eluded, if you really love me you will get mentioned in dispatches. Bill his sent mo his photo taken with th 0 medal on. He look si n hero."

Blmltm' Turkov: flat-footed grabbv that \ s what- ho is." muttered Mr Cocker fi B ho continued to wm=tlo with the problem of convincing tho damsel that h c beloncred to a service noted for its and in which potential V.C.'a might blush nnseon and unheard of.

A MIGHTY OATH REGISTERED. Mr Cocker had been aware of th e hidy's parttiality for heroes for some months and when ho left England in tho spring to loin tho ''Bloodhound'' lie had registered a mighty oath to distinguish himself in some manner or other. The power of love i M areat, and in two months ho had been in tho ship he had cortainlv distinguished himself,, but not in a manner likely to bring a medal to his manly breast or even a mention in dispatches.

His first exploit hnd been to arrost. and confine in the afterhold for three hours an individual who had strolled on board tho ship at A p.m. one day in plain clothes in Malta Dockyard. On Airmach's return from the club at 7 p.m. ho had instantly ordered tho roloase' of the prisoner, and a dishovelled apparition, smelling strongly of tnr, paint, and new rope, had merged from tho manhole. When it could speak, it transpired that Lieutenant-Commander Airmaeh had entertained unawares a hi"hly re spoctable Member of Parliament on' a commission travelling through Mnlta to tho Far East.

This episode was but tho first of a series culminating in an awful faux pas at a military dinner, which cannot be doscribed even here, and lastly he luv' only tho night before committed tho betise of adhering strictly to the letter of the regulations in a' matter" concerning a flag-officer. At O'p.m. Mr Cocker completed his labours and took to h\? bunk, there lo revolve in his active bra ; 'n Cj-«sh schemes whereby he might imuro&a

his oaptain with a proper sense of Alfred Cooker's efficiency.

a • THAT POUErPEBISCOPED IT-BOAT. The next day at dawn, as ordered, the "Bloodhqund" weighed, anchor and proceeded towards the" peninsula. , At G a.m. Mr Cocker came up to 10lieve Clambos," who warned him before turning over that it had been definitely established that Gorman submarines had arrived, and a look-out was to be kept accordingly. Mr Cocker's faco lit up on the instant, and who shall say what visions flitted through his optimistic mind. Imagine thon, if it bo possible, what his feelings were when at 6.30 a.m., distant half a mile on tho port bow, ho sighted a small dark projection apparently standing up about a foot above tho water. To ring "Full speed ahead" and starboard his helm was the work of an instant.

At over-increasing speed the "Bloodhound" bore down on the suspicious object. Trembling with excitement, JJ.r Cocker, with glasses glued to his eyes, prayed the object would not dip. When they had but three hundred yards to go Mr Cocker dropped his glasses in amazement, then, staring wild-eyed, shrieked out at the top of his voice: "Submarino with four porisopes right ahead." As Airniach reached the bridge the "Bloodhound" reached her quarry, and there was a slight bump and a perceptible report. "Wo got her. I got hor. We got her!" exulted Mr Cocker, executing a species of war-dance round tho bridge. "Got what. Mr Cocker?"

"Submarine, Sir! With four periscopes. Four of 'em, Sir! Saw 'em with my own eyes. Alust bo one of their latest. Rammed' her fair and square.''

"Nonsense, said the captain. - "But didn't you feel the bump?" indignantly demandod the Gunner. "Yes, I did feel something," admitted Airmach. "Turn the ship round at onco," he concluded. "Did you see anything, Johnson?" qumi.-d Airmach, addi-easiug tho coxswain. AN UNDERWATER BANG. "Yessirl I seo four hobjocts, a sticking up in the water, and we 'it 'om fair and squiiro. likewise I iolt the blo.v and 'curd a noise, a kind o' underwater bang like." "Groat Scoft! What jiu appallim stoncii!" remarked Clnmbos, who arrived on the bridge at this juncture. ''Heavens' What on earth is it?" said the captain, as a fearful odour began to pervade tho atmosphere. The next instant everyone who had a handkerchief was applying it to his nose. After a few moments of agony, Clamoot muttered through lus handkerchief: "It seems to come from foro'ard, sir."

An A.B. was despatched to explore, and cautiously making his way on tno fo's'cle, leant over tho side. Ho speedily withdrew his head, and speaking with difficulty was understood to shout that "we've gone and got the innards of an adjectival amruaul round our bows."

It was at this juncture that Mr Cockor really established his reputation. Without hesitating far uu instant, he jammed both telegraphs to full speed astern. The "Bloodhound" came to rest, and then slowly gathered stem-way. As she did so the honoured remains detached themselves from the bows and tho Mediterranean absorbed the carcase of a mule which had died for his eoimU-y somo weeks perviouslv on the Gollipoti Peninsula, and had been drifting about with bis legs in the air ever since. As. a result of this adventuro Mr Cocker Jiad a long interview with Lieu-tenant-Commander Airniach. Tho Gunner emerged therefrom wreathed in smiles; exactly what transpired was never officially published, but it may bo noted that at tho date of writing Lieu-tenant-Commander Airmach is a godfather in tho Cocker family, that Mrs Cocker cherishes an official "strictly private" letter from Lieutenant-Commando r Airmach which speaks in glowing terms of her husband's unremitting attention to duty and his* stupendous zeal. It also insinuates that it was" only Mr Cocker's extraordinary modesty that stood in the way of his being recommended for a V.C.

Mir Cocker is still serving with Lieu-tenant-Commander Airmach, so it may be presumed that his zeal has abated somewhat.

Quartermaster-Sergeant Basher is stil! throttling Huns in Fiance with added riciousnossc