HOGADONE ON ENGINEERS' REPORTS

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXII, Issue 4824, 29 November 1902, Page 4 (Supplement)

HOGADONE ON ENGINEERS' REPORTS

'‘l've bin read’ll tho report of the city engineer of Liaropuiis iu a recent publisi!id itugaaouc, and it strikes me as peculiarly peculiar rn some respecks. "*1 have, eucuuiiu the past year/ sezee, ’caused the lay in' of 13UJ superiisiuii square yards of far 'u' mud m iho way of repairs to our arterial thoroughfares. 1 have not laid I‘J.UOO.Oi'O sDopeiMishul square rods of unkivered natural deposit, bekaso 1 didn't see ht. ‘"rfiow and stiddy is my policy/ sozoe. '"V\oxks of a great nature require time an' patience aa' money. iVo are poor an* needy, and we can’t afford to cover the roads of. our beautiful city with expensive material cspcshuli.v as the noble animals that draws cur trams might slip ’n' fall down on smooth pavement.

‘"Maekadauin pavement is a foolish outlay of the community's wealth,' sezee, ‘and now that we have two town clerks an' most of the orphan boys of the city in tho offices of the municipal writiu' bureaus wo must husband our resources, and keep from further debt. “*1 have to complain,' sezee, 'of the sarkasticlc manner in which the local press speaks of our tram pheds not bein' painted. How docs the newspaper man expeck that we can keep on our force of employees all tho progeny of the widders ami widdarera of this city and spend good money foolishly in paintin' tram shnds? “ ‘V/c air purceed'n', sezee. 'as fast as wo can. in the widenin’ of our main arterial thorrerfares to tho uniform width of Clift. “ ‘Wo have already widened Willus street, endurin' the past year, to tho extent of 57,802 sooperfishul cubick indies. • “‘Several buildin's of consekwents hav bin ‘set back on Bad Maimers street while Woolcombin' Alley has bin spread out a inch on both sides. “ ‘Sum saucy and unregen'rit person has stated in the publick press that I mfido a error in allowin' a man to build up a new struckshure on Willus street to come out to tho old street line when the police of the city is to set hack all the buildin's. I would like to- know if that person is aware of the fackt that it would 'a' cost a thousand pounds compensation to have prevented that man from huildin' on the present occupied line. This would 'a* bin a rockliss expenditure of the publick funds. " 'To fassilitate tho stupendous work of convertin' our present boss tram lino into an uj>-to-date dectrick road I have caused the Electric Engineer to draw up plans and make a detailed survey of all the now existin' tramways so wo would know where they was. " He has also located 4762 yards of sooperfishul drains, telephone, telegraph, electric light lines and gas pipes that was lost. '"Cross sections have also bin prepared showin' how high above some other place every other place was. I have also fixed several sites. " 'Fixin' sites is not within the prawvinco of my dootios for, which I was hired, but. •I clone it jest the same. '"I would propose that soup kitshuns and free feed'n places be attached to tho city destructor so as to utilize the power generated by tho fire necessary to burn up the 785 stray dawgs that have to be cremated every year iu accordance with tho Ackt. The distruckshun of 47,832 cubick sooperfishul yards of refuse endurin' the years proves the effikisy of the clistrucktion machine. " 'There has been no nuisance for three years, at least, I haint seen none. " 'lt hog been said, in my headin', that we haint got a abbatwoir. "'Why do we want a. abbattwoir? Anybody except a sore-eyed lunatick kin see diseases on meat, can't they? " 'Anyway, s'pose we had an abbattwoir, how do wo* know that tho butchers would use it "We can't afford to hire an expensive man to run round all the butcher shops to see if they broke tho law. ‘"Our citizens are a honourable people 'n' don't break laws. It is a insult to a butcher to paw over his meat a-lookin' f'r microbes. I never seen a microbe.

"'Our waterworks systum is most complete 'n' pcrfict. True, tliey ain't no water on the hills, but why don't the people move off'u tho hills, which was intended by Nature f*r sheep, anyhow? ‘"To sum up, mo and my force has. endurin' tho year, thcrrally mado up a report of what we have done an' haiut done; tended our offiises durin' ofiis hours; stood off 2857 sooperfishul life insurance agents; examined into all the whys an' wherefores of all tho streets, alleys, lanes, highways, byways, ruts, roads an' gutters within the corporate limmits of the Burrer. Two thousand eight hundred and forty-three an' a-half sooperfishul square feet of maps is now bangin' in my ofßis, bo that by castin* my eyo over 'em I can tell at a glance jest how high above the road it is to any telegraph 'r telephone lino at any intersectin' angle 'n' I’m willin' to bet on it. I know how far it is from Kuckay street to tho main entrance of any pub. on Lemmedown Quay, 'n' how many paces a ordinary person must step in walkin' from Miramar Flat to the Hntt road slaughter-house. Me ah' my employees allows no man to spit on our consecrated; footpaths. “ 'One most important matter is the by-law I had fixed up which - relieves a train driver from the job of feediji' his horses on Sunday 'n* thus breakin' the Sabbath. Wo have hired onrepenerite outsiders from among the lost to do this fur 'em. " 'Havin' found that ‘ they is two 'r three pints about the installation of the electric tram service that mo 'n* my side pardner, the Electric Engineer, don’t egsackly savve3 T . I have arranged for him to go to London 'n' New York 'n' ask some feller. This may delay tho work for four or five years, but wheu he gits back, if he ain't lost 'r strayed 'r don't fall off’n the earth, ho will have a full and sooperfishul knowledge of the whole thing, *n' be competent to drive a tram 'r mend a wire. "‘I close by payin' that I heartily approve of the polisy of the City Counsul in disapprovin' of everything mootin' with public approval/ "Wall Wall Of all tho windy, wordy, weary, wormy messages of State this here report grasps the pastry. "For twelve solid months this offis has done nothin’ but gather a lot of perfectly useless an' unusable statisticks 'n' mend about seven mud holes in the road, while its two town clerks was tendin' the kindergarten down in its olhs, 'n' leachin’ its 72,offis boys not to swear. “Still, the pilot o* the oonsarn has good pints. He don't allow no tram driver to feed live stock on Sunday, n'r docs he allow any furious drivin' on their part. He's had dawgs burned up to get rid of 'em. 'n' he’s rode around tho town so's everybody could have a good look at him n" see that he wasn't proud. “Considerin' the kind o' men that sot on the Town Council, he's somewhat of a improv'ment over a consid’able number of 'em. He's pot a memory f'r dates that's water-tight 'n' copper-riveted. I presume he's a pood feller—certainly ho haint never done nothin' harmful, 'cause ho haint done nothin' at all, Tho Counsul wouldn't allow him to. “Thev 'used' to have a few 'men' up at Gasopolis employed in the munissipl red tape 'n' by-laws shop, but thcv’vo mostly fired 'em 'n' got kids. Kids is cheaper, I suppose." •