WIT AND HUMOUR

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4407, 13 July 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

“Yes,” sighed the Aberdonian, “money is the root of all evil, but most people would like a forest.” Teacher—“ What is the future of the verb ‘to love,’ Jennie?” Jennie (sweet sixteen) —“To get married.” “Will nothing induce you to change your mind and marry?” he asked. “Another man might,” she replied. If every person would he half as good as he expects his neighbour to be wliat a heaven this world would become! The girl that marries for. money usually has a look on her face that Indicates she is having trouble collecting her sa’ary. “No man,” says a loquacious wife, “ever complains that a woman tajks too much when she’s a girl and he’s engaged to ker.” “Dear, dear,” said a stout old lady, as she waddled along to oaf oh the train, “what a true saying it is—more waist, 1 less speed.” “Bub I thought, this man De Wet had been pretty well woupd up ?’’ “Yes, but he’s like a watch; every time he’s wound up he runs again.’* Husband—“ Don’t you think it was very extravagant of yop tp buy all those things?” Wife—“ But I didn’t buy them; I had them charged.” Mrs Spondiill—'Ton look W9FGed. b it became you are SO deeply in deutp, Mr Spendall (gloomily)—'# o !, Its because I can’t got any deeper,” “What does it mean, Tommy,” the Sunday school teacher asked,- “wherh it says tney rent their clothes P” “I suppose they couldn't afford to buy them,” replied Tommy. understand, Mrs Brady, that both you and your husband had been vaccinated?” Mrs B.—Pat tpld me to get vaccinated on both afms an 1 that wid do for both flf «|.’ ! “I see beef is firm,” remarked the landlady, looking up from the morning paper,'' “Very ’ firm, indeed,” grunted* the thin hoarder, continuing hi® effort* to dismember the steak. A teapher wgs explaining tp u llttlp girl fcjJF tbe treps'developed «p&, ago in the spring-dame. “Ah, yes,!’ agid the wee lassie, “I understand; they ke°P their (nmiwpr'ph»«WP ip’tfcgff truukg,” “I say, mamma,” said four-year-old Tommy, “let’s phly I’m an awful-look-ing old tramp. ■ TIL pome rpund. to the hack 4opr and ask for something to eat. a n 4 ypw get frightened and git* it to mo.’ A slight young lady is engaged to » gentleman who is excessively corpulent, Her satirical brother made her very angry by saying—“l paw you this mornmg, my dear, with your captive bah loon. Kate—“ What v°u)d you df> if .a, m*u asked you for a kiss?” Edithr-”! wouldn’t give it tu him, a man who can’t get a kjss without, haying to ash fpr it. isn’t worth wasting pne's t|m* over,” . Magistrate (severely)r-‘TI O v couldypu be so mean as to swindle people who put confidence |n you ?’’ Prisoner — “Well, your honpur, I’ll make it worth something to ye if ye’ll tell-me now to Work them as don’t,” First Boy— “Youw folk ain’t as rich as ours.. My father and mother gp driy, ing every day," Second Boy—“My far ther drives every, day, too. First Boyi —“I don’t believe W mat does hi . drive P” Becond Boy —“ Nails.” An Old Sleuth-—Policeman —"This i« the roan, -yer honour, as sthole thm* 1 shoes from Finnegan’s.” Justice —“ Were, the shoes in hi* possession ?’’ Policemanr- ,f Np, serf.” Justice—mat |fi the evidence, then?” Policeman— Whin I rin down the shtrate pry|h’ ‘Stfffcn 1 thafp!’ he shouted at wanst ga’ looked back.” Hampson—“l hear your engagement! with May Minks is broken off. How'*, that?” Hill—“ Well, you see, that bea*t of a 1 parrot of hers was always yelling, *‘Ob,t Charlie, you shouldn't.'” . Hampson— *‘But what difference did that make P Your engagement wa§ not; a secret.’’ . Hill—“No: and my name isn’t Ohaiw lie."