WIT AND HUMOUR.

New Zealand Times, Volume LXXI, Issue 4259, 19 January 1901, Page 8 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

W/yi 0 —should think it would be a good put the watering cart before wmi- 0 ?? 0 ' I N arama —“f can't see why, Willie. Willie—" Why, then, the poor .hors© could wado all over the town and Keep cool.

Johnny— Do they have elephants in .Asia? Papa—"Oh, ye?." Johnny— D° they have circuses in Asia?’’ Papa— N-o-o, I think not." Johnny—" Well, what’s the use of having elephants if they don t have circuses?” Most golfers will remember the story of the man whom a ball rendered insensible, The golfer gave him half a sovereign ns some consolation. "And when will ye be playin’ again?’’ asked the injured man as ho looked at the coin.

Mistress—"l told you that I did not want you to have so many male callers in the kitchen. Pretty Domestic—"Ycs’m.” "Lust night you were entertaining three policemen. "Yes’m. I had them there so as to keep the others out.’’

"Young man, said Uncle Jerry Peebles, "how do yon pronounce that?" "Ta)> blody bote, sir,’’ replied the waiter, a recent importation frofn Skedunk. "Correct,” rejoined Uncle Jerry, nodding his approval. "Bring me some of that.” Pendennis—"ls dyeing the hair as dangerous ns the doctors would make out?” Warrington!—-"Certainly; you may take my word for it. Only last spring an unde of mine dyed his hair, and in three weeks he was married to a widow with four children.”

A Sunday School teacher was one day trying to impress upon her scholars the meaning of the word "Conscience.'’’ "What is the small voice that comes to you after you h ue retired for the night?” she said at .lengths, "Oh, please, mum, I know,” quickly replied one of the little girls; "cats, ma’am.” Lady (interviewing parlourmaid)—"l’m afraid your’e too good-looking. You see I have grown-up sons, and young men are bo thoughtless and given, to flirting.” Swell Parlourmaid (loftily)—"Yon need not wony yourself ahojit that, madam. I have higher aspirations than your sons. I am engaged to a professional cricketer, and one of the best.”

He (adoringly)—"Darling, you are worth your weight in gold.” She (practically) —Yon do not value me sufficiently, Henry. Gold at its value of 16.50 dels an ounce is worth 264 dels a pound avoirdupois, and ns T weigh 140 pounds, my value would he only 36.060 dels; whereas the tax duplicates will show I am worth something over 75,000 dots.

A certain German professor of music to he met with in English drawing-rooms is an entertaining old gentleman. To him recently a lady friend said, when one of his compositions had hist been rendered hr one of the guests, "How did you like the rendering of vour song, professor?’’ "Vos dot my song?” replied the professor. "I did not know him !”

"Momma, is Mrs Thompson's husband rross-evml ?” '"Why, no, m v dear. Why do you ask?” "Cause when T was out walking 1 with nurse this morning Mr Thompson stormed us to shake hands with me. And ho said. "What lovely eves!" "Well, you have lovely eyes, my dear.” "Yes. but it seemed funny that every time he said it to mo he looked at nurse." Governor Ttnosevelt was taken hold of bv a golf enthusiast the other dav, and was much annoyed by the man's long exnosition of the virtues of the game. "There is one good point about it which vou have forgotten to mention.” he said finally. "What’s that?" asked his nersecntor. "One doesn't have to play it if one doesn’t want to." replied the Governor. The Polite Burglar—The rattling of silver spoons awakened the lady in the dead of night. "Who’s there?” she cried, as she leaned over the balustrade and peered down into the darkness. "Who’s there, and what are you doing?’’ The stranger in the dining-room replied with startling candour—".Timmy Bores, ma’am, at your service,” and gathering ns ranch of the latter as he could, fled hastily. Then She Stayed—" Our cook was going to leave yesterday 1 , hot mv wife’s diplomacy saved the dav.” "Is that so?” "Yes: when the cook gave notice, my wife, with great uresence of mind, said. "That's ton bad, Bridget, but I’m not surprised. Several of the neighbours’ girls predicted you would leave because you knew you wouldn’t have any shnw with the handsome new policeman who is shortly to be assigned to this beat.’” "What an energetic reformer Miss Bank is!” "She isn’t a reformer: she just starts reforms, and then she quits. "Sir ” said the young man. "I ask, for your daughter’s hand.’’ "Young man,” ronlied the father. "I am not disposing of her in sections.”

Mrs Peck—" Ton know very well. TTem-v that Pm a woman of few words.” Henrv—"Tme. my dear; hut the few are shamefully overworked.”

Mabel—"l would never marry a man I did not love/’ Maude—" But surmoso a really wenlthv man should propose?” Mabel—"l should love him, of course/’ Patron—" Why, this hill chorees for three plates of soup. We had only two.” Waiter—" Ah. ves; but monsieur forgets the plate I spilled upon the lady’s dress.” The Bride (from Chico era)—"This is my fourth bridal tour.” The Bridegroom—- " Well, T hope it will be your last one.” The Bride (bursting into tears) —"You selfish thing!” ‘Assistant—"That gentleman von sold a Imttle of hair dve to three weeks avo was here again to-daw.” Chemist—" Was he after another bottle?” “No, sir; he wanted to know if we kept wigs.” "My expenditure never exceeds my receipts.” said Hawkins. "Mine does ” sighed Wilkins. "In fact. lam very much afraid I shall never have any receipts for some of my last year’s expenditure.” "Did you have a good time at your picnic?” "I should say we did. When we reached the picnic grounds we were so afraid of snakes that we came home and had a perfectly lovely time in our backyard.” A Scotch beadle one day led the manse honseroaid to the churchyard, and. pointing with his finger, stammered, "My folk lie there, Jenny. Wad ye like to lie there, t«o?’’ It was his way of popping the question. Mr Danber—"Yes, since you were in my studio last. Miss Cute. I had one of my paintings. p»arlv finished, entire! v destroyed hy fire.*” Miss Cute—"What' a pity. Mr Dauber! But think how awful it would have been if it had.been finished ancl framed.”

Scene—Children's narty ('Punch anti Judy show: going): Tommy discovered by bis hostess’s norm in tears. Hostess's Papa— " Afraid, Tom? Cheer up. old man. Tommy—" They won't be dolls when I dream about them to-night.’’ care of her own things. This remark convinced her that it was I. not the ayah who had taken the ticket.