Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 220, 27 November 1875, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Music by handle—A street organ. Hostile furniture —Armed chairs. How to signal a bark— Pull a dog’s tail. Men are geese, women are ducks, and birds of a feather flock together. Is there anything in the world can beat a good wife? Yes ; a bad husband.

“ As between a cucumber and a water-melon.” says a Western editor, “give us brandy and water.” AVaiting for dead men's shoes is, in most cases, a bootless affair.

When is a small boy like a big banker?—When he is a wrotlichild.

If you wish to make a drum-stick, set it on tiie top of a tar barrel.

The most steadfast followers of our fortunes—Our creditors.

AVai.stino sweetness—Putting your arm about a pretty woman.

Delightful “Patrons of Husbandry” Female match-makers.

A Cape May (America) belle savs the baths there are as “exhilarating as the clasp of a lover.” She lias tried bof.li.

“ Where a woman,” says Mrs. Partington, “has been married with a congealing heart, and one that beats desponding to her own, she will never want to enter the marritime state again.” A young lady while out walking heard for the first time her mother’s intention to marry again, and she was obliged to sit right down and cry about it. She could not go a step-farther. A poetical New Hampshire editor, speaking of trees, says Every tree is a feather in the earth’s cap, a plume in her bonnet, a tress upon her forehead ; wherefore, plant trees ! ” Very Natural.—The directors of several of the London joint-stock banks have lately been suffering from a complaint vulgarly know as the Colliewobbles.

A girl in Pittsfield was struck dumb bytlic liringof a cannon. A number of married men have in consequence invited the artillery companies to practise near their residences.

Douglas Jerrold said one day that lie would make a pun upon anything his friends would put to him. A friend asked whether he could pun upon the signs of tiie Zodiac, to which he promptly replied, “ By Gemini, I Can-cer !” AV hen a dog bites a Tennessee man the man can recover one dollar damages from tho owner, but the poor dog never recovers—which is doubtless owing to the inferior quality of whisky imbibed by tiie man. And this is called justice in Tennessee.— Norristown Herald.

Sat-isfaction.—An advertisement for a servant states that “ three maids are kept in the kitchen under the housekeeper.” AVe trust the good lady doesn’t find it necessary to bo constantly “sitting on them.” But girls, you know, require “keeping in their places” now-a days.— Fun. Some months ago an Oregon man named his girl baby after Queen Victoria, and wrote to the Queen to that effect. Not hearing from her Majesty, ho changed the child's name to Hannah, and went out and pounded the first Englishman he met. It is reported that a young lady who went out to the Fiji Islands last summer as a missionary is at home again. Her first Sunday-school class came shuffling in one morning with nothing on but necklaces, whereupon her enthusiasm in the cause all melted away. An exchange says “tiie Sandwich Islanders believe that Beelzebub walks the earth in the form of a woman.” And now and then you will find a man in this country who believes so too, and that lie lias married the woman. —Courier Journal. “ These be Brave Words.”—The Gazette de Pharmacologic is good enough to inform us that M. llaydach lias analysed orthoamidotoluene-sulphonic acid and diacortlioamido-paratoluene-sulphonic acid ; and also affirms that the action of pewter and hydrochloric acid on nitrobromacctanilide produces hydrochloride of ethenyibromopheny-lenediamite. Now that Phil Sheridan is married and obliged to creep into the house still when lie comes home late nights, lie sees the mistake he made in not paying more attention to the scouting business when he was in the army.— Fulton Times. Mr Rose AVall Flower deserves to bloom in a better world for his gift of *->OO,OOO for an astronomical observatory to be erected in Fairmount Park. AVe hope it will bo large and strong enough to enable us to sec him among the blessed. —Rochester Express.

She stood over the washtub with one of her husband’s stockings in her hand, and remarked to Airs. Afiggles: “ He’s been a good husband to me. 1 never had no trouble with him. It’s go;n’ on seven year now that I’ve washed for him. Do 1 think it’s askin’ too much ? Oh, no—one shirt a week, two collars, one pair of stockings, one pocket handkerchief, and no drawers. He’s what T call a whole man, Mrs. Migglcs.” And she slashed a fly off the buck of her neck with the dripping stocking and went to work again like a true wife. -Brooklyn Argus The Younkcrs Gazette, in a scientific moment, sends these plaints on pants forth to the world Time lias been wasted, midnight oil burned, brains turned, in the ineffectual search of perpetual motion. Men have gone down to their graves in tho prime of manhood with perpetual motion on the brain. Ifow many men have wasted years of their life in search of some new labor-saving machinery, and failed at last. Others have succeeded; their efforts have been crowned with success, and they have retired with princely fortunes. But for the man who will invent a stylo of pantaloons that will not bag at the knee, a princely diadem awaits, at the hands of his mortified, suffering brotherhood.