SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20620, 19 July 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

A SLIGHT MISTAKE. A young woman left- hoi* husband's sido to look in a shop window. On leaving it she took, she thought, her husband's ana " You sec," she said, " you don t even look at anything I want you to see : You never caro how I am dressed. \ou no longer love me. Why, you haven t kissed me for a week." "Madam, I'm sori'y; that's my misfortune, not my fault," said the man, turning round. He was a complete stranger! SOLDIER AND HIS BOX. It was kit-inspection morning, and the soldiers had their things laid out on their beds. The colonel walked into the room and said to Private Brown : ."Three shirts, Brown?" "One on, one at the wash, aiid one in the box, sir." " Two pairs of boots?" " One on, and one in the box, sir." "Two pair of socks, Brown?" "One ou, and ouo in the box, sir." ; " Good. Now where's the box, Brown?" "I've lost the box, sir." A LABEL FOE FATHER. One morning a small boy presented himself at a well-known public-house in Durham, and handed an addressed label to the landlord. " Father won a goose in the raffle here •last night," bo said,-"'and lies going to call round hero for it after work to-day, so mother's sent this." " But if he's going to call for the goose there'll bo 110 need lor a label," said the landlord. " It's not for the goose." explained the youth calmly, "it's to tio on father." CHURCH OR THE BANK. A woman who did not understand tlie language of business went into the Bank of England, and, addressing the first ofiicial she saw, explained that she wished to'consult someono about her war loan holding. The clerk to whom she talked happened to bo rather a grave person. lie inquired: "is it a case of conversion or redemption, madam 1" " Conversion ■ . . redemption," faltered the woman. " Er. pardon me . . . is this the Bank of England or the Church of England V PLEASANT FOR THE HUSBAND. A lady who particularly wished to attend anevening performance of a certain play, arranged that a highly-recommended young woman should stay with the children. When the mother returned from the theatre she asked the girl if slio had had any difficulty with the family. " Not exactly," replied the buxom lass, " but the eldest boy, tile red-headed one, was a bit of a handful; I had to use force to get hint into bed." " Red-headed one," shrieked the mother. "Good heavens! That's my husband!"

JUMPING- TO CONCLUSIONS. Tommy had been warned by his nurse of , the awful results of bitiug his nails, but to no avaih She decided upon harsher measures. • " If you persist in biting your nails," she said, " you will swell out like an air balloon." . . . Tommy believed, tool; heed, and did not bite his nails for two days. On the third day his mother was giving a party, and Tommy was allowed to partake of tea with the guests. As soon as tea was over, Tommy approached a very corpulent visitor, gazed at her in silence for a few moments, and then exclaimed, in a loud, awestruck voice, "I see you bite your nails." Then the band struck up. DUKE OF CONNAUGHT STORY. Like the majority of old soldiers, the Duke of Connaught, always has an abundance of good stories to relate. Perhaps one of the best_ of these, tells how once, when quite a young .man, he was strolling down Birdcage Walk past. "Wellington Barracks, and paused to watch a squad of Guardsmen on parade. The Duke found himself standing i.e.\t to an obvious old oldier, and the two catered into conversation. " Are you in the army, sir?" demanded the man at length. The Duke smilingly confessed that was such the case. ' " Then take my advice, young man, and chuck it!" came the blunt reply, ""iou have no chance in the army to-day unless you have influence behind you, and it's easy to soc that you ain t got that!

WRESTLING WITH ALLIGATOR. 'l'ho best way to deal with ilil alligator, it is often suggested half facetiously, is to plunge one's thumbs into the eyes of the brute 111 tlie hope that lit; will release his hoi J.- Another milhod is suggested in u story bv Sir Hugh Murrav in his annual report on Papua. Sir Hugh says that, a native v/as looking for crabs on the bank 11 ■ a ; Tcek. and feeling himself sinking in (!:-• mud. placed his hand on a log to steady bin. 1 .1 he log turned out ,to he an alligator. "He came at me," --aid t'.-e native, "caught liold of rnv right aim, and at the same time struck me on the nb" with his ehnv. I struggled with Hie alliga;<>;\ hut as he was strong I could not get siwav from him. I placed mv left hand in the alligator's mouth and pulled his tongue out through the side. 1 pulled it. with all my strength, and he let me go."

NEEDLESS REPETITION. I At a small chapel in one of the Yorkshire dale:-; the appointed minister had failed to make his appearance at the time for beginning the service. One of .tin) waiting congregation, a local farmer, was eventually persuaded to officiate as .substitute for the absent cleric. The lesson was the chapter from the Book of Daniel which contains the oft recurring passage: "At what time ye shall hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbul, psaltery, and dulcimer, and all kinds of music." . ' Three times tho. farmer, with evident trepidation, waded through the comprehensive catalogue of ancient Babylonian instruments. , M When, however, he again came to .-U what time ye shall hear," lie paused for a moment, wiped the from his brow, and then continued: " It's t same band again, friends. Ah needn t read 'cm out." SURPRISE FOR BUTCHER. The following story is told by Norman Long, the well-known entertainer: "An out-of-work went into a butcher's {-.bop one /Saturday night and told tho Ulrfwr that lie wanted a joint for the id t.l. dny, but lie only had Is 6d. The /Shopk".'-\>'!)' happened to bo a sympathetic sort 'A num. , " ' '/on v.Mit a joint and you vc only •/hi uinhUmuiifiim V lie said, 'Well, how Willi'/ nut fh't/D In the family?" ' ''t'lii-.rn'n in" and tho inissuu and six replied the buyer. " ' 'JbfitV. •■lu.hi altogether," said the butcher. ' J lit f. a minute, and I'll go and talk to tho wife to xce what wo can do about it.' " Just as he was disappearing behind tho shop-door the out-of-work called out: 'And the missus suys I'm to say she don't like cold meat after Wcdnesduy !' "